For having a go at dh? Always "coming down with" whatever sickness I have

[27Bumblebees]

I woke up on Saturday morning feeling really terrible. Achy joints and pains in my lower abdomen like needles in the ovaries. We were heading to a nearby city for an event in the car (which I was already nervous about being well enough to attend) and told dh I was still feeling rough. He replied saying how he's also not been feeling well.

Every single time I'm sick, he also miraculously comes down with what I have. It's infuriating and means I can't just get the rest I need without him making a point that he too is coming down with what I have (despite no symptoms). Eg when I had covid last, he was convinced he was going to get it/ coming down with it despite never testing positive or having symptoms.

So this time I was just so annoyed, I said "ugh that's a real bloke thing to do". I regret the man bashing, but there is history too. What should I have said? He was acting so wounded after i said that.

Just tested positive for covid, so am legitimately sick, and he's doing it again. Negative tests for him and the 3 kids but he's sure he's "not been right".

For context, when he is really sick, I let him rest, sort the kids out etc.

I’m a woman and used to live with a woman, and she did this, too. Seemed to think I was her mother. Very selfish, entitled, and ignorant.

Someone who does this is ignorant and ill mannered in other parts of life as well. It’s a symptom of poor character, low empathy, and a lack of an ethical backbone.

So deeply unattractive… then she wondered why I wasn’t enthused about sleeping with her. I was completely turned off, and hurt and upset. I was very ill with Covid, and she was perfectly fine, testing negative, yet feigning illness, and didn’t lift a finger to help me.

Suffice to say I left and it was a very short lived relationship. I was met someone else who is a grown up shortly after. If there are no children involved, this sort of thing would make me leave without a second thought.

My only regret is that I didn’t leave sooner.

It's definitely wet common! My H tries it on still but I no longer pander to him. He gets the same behaviour as I get.

Are you married to my husband ? After my section I actually told him so when are you going to catch this ?he's always worse off and always dying. I think men are just a bit precious

Mine doesn't do this. Well, not exactly. It's a dog and an autistic (and quite demanding) teen he needs to look after while I'm ill.

If I say I'm ill I have to make it really clear that I can't do my usual chores by complaining and whinging and looking horribly sick (last bit is usually effortless as I am actually ill). Then DH will say he's felt like this for three days.
I ignore this and carry on being ill and unable to assist.
The world continues turning and then in a day or two I can take over running the household when he finally really does succumb to whatever it was.
I firmly believe that if I didn't do the whinging and complaining I wouldn't be allowed a rest either!

The MN approach to illness is just one of the most bizarre things.

I've never actually met anyone who fakes illness to the extent that apparently all your husbands do (and would think it was borderline psychotic behaviour).

I've never been in a relationship or even a houseshare where I was expected to crack on as normal when ill.

When DP or I are ill the natural reaction from the other is to be sympathetic. Hating your partner when they say they're ill is not normal.

And the nature of contagious illnesses is that yes, they tend to be passed on and one person will get it a few days after the first person.

Yep-common in our house too. Gives me the ick. It’s pathetic. He does it with the children now as well as me, so if they have something, he also has to have it. DD very wise to it. She has terrible period cramps and deliberately doesn’t tell him that’s what they are until he starts down the oh and me-my stomach has been cramping all day. Then she’s like really-must be different to me then as mine is my period. Shuts him right up.

My DH does this. It’s annoying and I tell him this. He has so many pills and potions in anticipation, they take up a whole kitchen drawer. Every time I get something, which is rare, he’s worse and tells everyone how ill he is without mentioning me. We have been married for 40 years and he’s got worse with age!

My husband doesn't do it either.

Normal couples work as a team and part of that is one stepping up when the other is ill, you're right.

It's selfish and shitty to try to avoid doing that by pretending to be unwell too and they deserve to be told they aren't fooling anyone.

True. It's also quite shitty to immediately assume someone is faking illness.

Ugh, I fucking HATE people that do this. They gatecrash illness so they don’t have to do anything. And it’s nearly always the men in our lives doing it. I’ve known men come down with period pains, morning sickness and endo pain before. Just FUCK OFF.

Well, to be fair I think it's highly unlikely a man suddenly comes down with period pains so there's at least 2 on this thread we can safely say are faking it.

Then the one who can be asked how he is and say how good he's feeling only to then do a 180 when his partner replies she's ill. So that's 3.

Then all those who don't mention feeling ill at all until the very moment their partner says they are unwell. Instant transmission is possible but unlikely.

I think we can safely say at least some men do this. And it seems quite common.

I'm ill
I'M ILL TOO! MEMEME TOO.
It's a bit convenient really and funny how they have to take to their beds while their partner has to get on with it.

It's hard to not see it as a tactic to avoid stepping up.

My dad was, as we used to put it, "reet mardy".
The slightest sniffle and he'd take to his bed and act like he was dying.
He had a "poorly voice" which was higher pitched than his normal voice and had a very weird obviously faked weakness to it.
And he'd call down the stairs "X (mum's name) it 'uuuuuuuuurtsss". And he wasn't trying to have a laugh. He wanted fussing over.

Even as a child I was disgusted by how utterly pathetic it was. Maybe that's why I have zero tolerance for milking illness or attention seeking when others are ill.

Have you really spelled out to him : 'DH when I am ill what I need from you to feel loved and cared about is for you to focus on me, empathize about my symptoms and do what you can to help take things off my plate do making food and drink and taking a lead with the kids so I can rest- this really helps. Sometimes when I hear you also saying you think you MIGHT be on the way to getting ill too it makes me feel dismissed.'

So interesting reading all these replies - my OH is exactly like this 😅 he often feels unwell and I'm very rarely ill, but if I happen to say, I've got a sore throat or I feel like I might be coming down with something he ALWAYS replies with 'I've had that for a couple of days' 🤣🤣
I pull him up on it now- drives me demented!

I think you’re assuming that these men would want to help.
This is happening precisely because they don’t want to help.

Oh it’s not just a man thing. DH had a prostate exam and MIL said ‘ yes, I needed that!’ . Some people just need the attention. Sorry you’re not well op.

That’s the thing though - DH is very hands on and helpful - day to day I’m not doing everything at all. It’s just that as soon as someone suggests illness he immediately feels it too. And for him, any illness equates to dying. He gets mercilessly mocked for it now and doesn’t expect much sympathy.

OP he does it so that he doesn't have to step up into the caring role that's left vacant by your illness.
He likely panics when you are not functioning the way you are supposed to (taking care of the kids, getting things around the house sorted etc.) because he doesn't want to do these things, and on some level sees them as your responsibility, so he needs to come up with some excuse as to why he can't do it. He knows that just saying 'I don't want to' isn't going to cut it...

No advice but my DP does this too
Can't see anything go by him

Genius I'm going to do this!!

I was thinking my OH was a bit of a hypochondriac as he seems to come down with everything everyone around us feds ). Interesting to see it's a common thing in relationships!

Years ago a widowed friend had cancer and I remember her saying 'My husband wouldn't like me now, he never liked me when I was ill'. It sounds just like some of the husbands described here.

I feel, when I’m a bit under the weather, as an inconvenience. Not fully functioning so not good enough. DH ran his own business and was always too busy to help out - or so he said. It’s obviously not a partnership. I’ve mostly been very healthy but like many people I need a bit of help sometimes. DH said to ring my mother because his work mattered more. He grumpily took DC to
school occasionally and got really annoyed if he had to pick them up too!

Could have written this post myself. Absolutely every single bloody time.

most recently came down with a horrific sinus infection, the most sharp, agonising pressure pains in my face and bones/teeth ect and feeling achy. Told DH how poorly I felt, initially he offered me to go to bed early.. but also slipped in “I don’t feel very well either” right before I left the room.

asked him the next morning as usual “what’s up, same as me or?” And he can’t actually tell me what’s wrong,. Just that he doesn’t feel ‘right’ it honestly makes me want to scratch out his fucking eyeballs sometimes.

The OP is in another country. They may have a different attitude to coronavirus.