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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate it when people say 'he's not your mum'

74 replies

Jellycatjellycat · 10/03/2024 08:18

I'm not particularly bothered about Mother's Day btw. If I get a bunch of tulips or some chocolate and a homemade card then I'm very happy.

But it really does wind me up when I read on here 'he's not your mum though is he' When a woman complains that her husband has made no effort to help the dc put together something for them.

Young children can't arrange anything without help from the dad can they?

OP posts:
Namechangeywangeyhangey · 10/03/2024 08:22

Yes I agree, considering how much is "wife work" around the major holidays like Christmas and Easter.

Original poster
Jellycatjellycat · 10/03/2024 08:23

That was of course supposed to say '"you're not his mum" 🙄

OP posts:
35965a · 10/03/2024 08:23

I agree, it’s ridiculous. He’s supposed to be modelling things for his children and part of that is doing Mother’s Day

Rumbunctious · 10/03/2024 08:24

It’s such a dickish thing to say. I often wonder if comes from people whose partners/husbands don’t bother on birthdays/Christmas/Mother’s Day? Fair enough not everyone agrees with Mother’s Day or other ‘celebrations’ but there’s no need to be a bitch towards people that do celebrate it.

mrsdineen2 · 10/03/2024 08:25

Jellycatjellycat · 10/03/2024 08:23

That was of course supposed to say '"you're not his mum" 🙄

I didn't notice the mistake until you pointed it out with this comment. I need to go back to bed.

Topicmanger · 10/03/2024 08:25

YANBU.

My H does not organise for my kids to do a thing, so I organise them to do something for me.

It’s shit though. That’s his job.

Traumdeuter · 10/03/2024 08:25

I’d interpret this as only applying when children are old enough to sort their own card and gift (although perhaps asking for help to source and buy what they need)

or those weird “to my wife on Mother’s Day” cards

TheLongpigs · 10/03/2024 08:26

Totally agree Op. Pisses me off reading it here every year!

LuciferRising · 10/03/2024 08:27

People say it to try and look cool. Or they have low expectations.

Thankfully, my DH isn't an arse and makes an effort.

ElaineMBenes · 10/03/2024 08:27

Completely agree.
How do you think children learn to be kind and considerate? They learn it from their parents!!

It's one of the most ridiculous comments I see on here and that says a lot!!

Runnerduck34 · 10/03/2024 08:27

Totally agree!!!
It's just so dismissive.
Kindness costs nothing.
Not hard to recognise and appreciate all the work, effort and sometimes sacrifice a mother makes for her children and her family.
Happy Mothers Day Everyone !

Dragonsandcats · 10/03/2024 08:27

I agree, annoys me too. He should model the thoughtful behaviours until the kids are old enough to sort it on their own.

Purpleturtle45 · 10/03/2024 08:27

35965a · 10/03/2024 08:23

I agree, it’s ridiculous. He’s supposed to be modelling things for his children and part of that is doing Mother’s Day

This! Men should be teaching their children how to be thoughtful and appreciate!

ElaineMBenes · 10/03/2024 08:29

Traumdeuter · 10/03/2024 08:25

I’d interpret this as only applying when children are old enough to sort their own card and gift (although perhaps asking for help to source and buy what they need)

or those weird “to my wife on Mother’s Day” cards

But it's not being used in that context.
I've seen it on multiple threads this week which involve very young children and their dad's not helping them organise anything.

Spendonsend · 10/03/2024 08:31

Yes men should support their children to do appropriate things on mothers day and show them he does something nice for his mum too.

LolaSmiles · 10/03/2024 08:33

I’d interpret this as only applying when children are old enough to sort their own card and gift (although perhaps asking for help to source and buy what they need)
Same here. I've only noticed it on threads where a poster is complaining their teenagers haven't given them a card and it was their husband's job to make them.

It's unreasonable for someone to say it when the children are young though.

DarkForces · 10/03/2024 08:34

Completely agree. I'm not his mum but I'm the mother of his child. It's a nice chance to show a bit of appreciation and then he gets his chance on Father's Day. I think a nice meal and box of chocolates is pretty simple to sort! No breakfast in bed though as I hate crumbs!

I also order both our mums flowers to make sure his mum gets something. I don't sort his sides other presents but I always do Mother's Day. It's the only present mil gets on time!

Pickledprawn · 10/03/2024 08:35

Absolutely agree! I have already seen it on a few threads this week.

Hermanfromguesswho · 10/03/2024 08:39

I absolutely hate this too. Especially when people then say ‘you have to wait until the children are old enough to make their own card or buy you a present themselves’
Why on earth would a child spontaneously start making a fuss on Mother’s Day as soon as they are old enough if they’ve never had that modelled?!

owlsinthedaylight · 10/03/2024 08:42

I disagree, but that’s because I have only seen it used when the kid is older, or the mother has unrealistic expectations.

Im lucky that i have generally been delighted with Mother’s Day because my expectations ae that me kids will a) remember b) make the effort to make me a card c) give me a big hug and say happy Mother’s Day d) go for a walk (or similar) with me. Most kids over the age of 5 will manage all that themselves.

Where i see these comments made are generally where the woman expected her husband to have made her breakfast in bed, bought flowers, chocolates and jewellery, arranged a weekend away and booked a restaurant for dinner. None of that is from the children, it’s all from the father.

I do realise that women who expect the jewellery etc will say i have low expectations. But i think people just want different things from the event.

ElaineMBenes · 10/03/2024 08:43

Just seen this comment pop up on another thread.....

That involves an 11 month old. 🙄
It's not being used in the context of adult children. It's been used to excuse the behaviour of shitty men.

ElaineMBenes · 10/03/2024 08:44

And all she wanted was a lie in.....

CesarRomero · 10/03/2024 08:46

I am a single parent, ex has not been in this country or seen the children in six years since the youngest was born, and I do get cards etc today because other people like my sister or my own mum will do a bit of the stepping in and reminding them. She has modelled this for my kids, who love it all. I feel sorry for women who don't get a bit of a fuss made of them today (if that's what they want) and they DO have a husband. It's not that hard and it goes a long way.

letstrythatagain · 10/03/2024 08:47

Agree and it didn't take long to appear in a thread already this morning. It's strange as I've never known people to have this view irl but it's come up quite a bit on Mumsnet.

AliasGrape · 10/03/2024 08:47

I totally agree.

I hate all the competitive not caring that goes on on here actually, like wanting a card or some kind of acknowledgement on Mother’s Day or
your birthday for example is the height of neediness. It’s not an attitude I ever encounter in real life, where pretty much everyone I know who either has their mum around or has children, marks the day in some way. It’s absolutely fine and normal to expect some small effort to be made for you on a day that had cultural significance and matters to you.

All the ‘it’s a made up day’ thing makes me laugh too - it’s no more made up than Christmas, Eid or the concept of Thursday for example. If it matters to the mother of your children then it’s a pretty poor excuse of a man who can’t even support a home made card or cup of tea in bed.