To hate it when people say 'he's not your mum'

[Jellycatjellycat]

I'm not particularly bothered about Mother's Day btw. If I get a bunch of tulips or some chocolate and a homemade card then I'm very happy.

But it really does wind me up when I read on here 'he's not your mum though is he' When a woman complains that her husband has made no effort to help the dc put together something for them.

Young children can't arrange anything without help from the dad can they?

Totally agree, I have young children and I would be disappointed if my DH didn't help them to arrange something. They do lovely bits at school/nursery but they seem to enjoy doing something on the Sunday at home too and DH obviously has to facilitate this for them at their age. Plus I think it also shows appreciation for me as a mother generally, and the mother of his children. And I absolutely reciprocate on father's day for all the same reasons (despite him not being my dad!)

I have a lovely dh who likes the opportunity to make a fuss of me with dd who's 12. He's making me a cuppa and dd has given me a card which promises they have lots of surprises planned today. I can't wait!

Also agree. Mine are older teens now but DH led the way when they were younger and now they both do it off their own backs. In fact DD has just gone charging downstairs as she heard DH making me breakfast in bed and she wants to do it. She's never awake this early usually 😁

Agree OP. The sounds like twats saying it, I presume they have shit partners so low expectations and want to spread their misery.

I’m not fussed with Mother’s Day at all, but always defend mums who want to celebrate it. There’s far too many shit men around making zero effort and then women that make excuses for them and try to belittle other women in the process. Arseholes!

Pointed out the same thing in another thread. It’s MN though, you know too many only read the title, only read the first post and not the rest of an OP’s post, and if they have only read the first, they don’t read it properly and insert their own experiences or make up a completely different narrative to what an OP has said.

I agree. Mine make stuff at school/nursery, but they still need DP to help them look after it and know when to give it. It's also just nice to get a card from DP that shows he sees what I do for the family (he gets one on Father's Day). Isn't it important that what's often women's work at home gets acknowledged?

Totally agree. Little kids need to be helped, bigger kids sometimes need a prod.

I agree! My children are now 13 and 11 but DH is still getting involved. He coordinated the gift buying, is helping them make breakfast and will drive us somewhere nice later.

Great post owlsinthedaylight. I'm sure I have low expectations by MN standards too.
I had a lie in, a handmade card, some flowers from the garden and a cup of tea made for me. We'll have a relaxed family day together and visit some local relatives.
That's the mother's day me and DH remember doing as children and we're very happy to do it with our children.

Totally agree OP. I literally do everything for DH and dc. I got told twice yesterday that "you're not my mum" by DH, in response to asking for breakfast in bed and to have the TV in the evening to watch something I have been looking forward to. Just made my own breakfast and have bought myself a lovely gift.

If you aren't his mum then presumably you can stop doing everything for him then?

I think it's time you went on strike!

My father often said that it was not his job to organise something for my mum because she was not his mum.

I always felt that my mother should have reminded him she was not his mum as well every time he asked what was for dinner or where his ironed shirts were.

Would many 5 year olds (or 7 year olds or even 9 year olds) remember it’s Mother’s Day and independently make a card when their father has never helped them do this before? If in the first 5 years their Dad has made zero fuss of their mum on Mother’s Day and they’ve never made a card with Dad before, why and how will they suddenly start doing it completely independently at age 5? They will take Mim for granted like Dad has modelled.
Children don’t learn things without seeing it and having it modelled. It’s like never saying please and thank you around a child and then just expecting them to have manners when they are ‘old enough’

Agree. Especially when DC are too little to organise things for themselves.
Mine are teens now so (luckily) don't have to rely on DH to sort anything out.
Half the time I feel like I am DH mum anyway! I've booked a meal out for us today, and we are going to watch DD do an event. He is aware of both things but I'll know I'll be asked multiple times what's the restaurant, where is it , what time is the event, what time will we need to leave, where will we park etc etc!!

No they can't but i am not my husbands mum

When my child was old enough what they did for me was only what I wanted

There was one yesterday where a woman was upset as the husband wanted to cancel their Mother's Day meal so he could watch the football.
And this morning husband is lying in bed while she gets up with the baby.
How low are these women's expectation meant to go?

I reminded my husband to remind my daughter (6) to finish her epic Mother's Day card by today. TBF he'd probably have done it anyway but she'd have been upset if she'd lost track of time and forgotten to finish it.

I think it is a dickish remark and makes those who post it seem thick, not clever the way they think they are.

I agree. Yes the kids need prompting (or buying for dependent on age) but also I am the mother of his children. I don't think Mother's Day is that big a deal but I would be annoyed if DH didn't acknowledge it at all.

It's something I would expect from my husband tbh. Same with my birthday and Christmas. Ds is 2 he can't organise anything for me but I'm incredibly lucky that my dh always organises me a card from ds and something small. Its the minimum a man can do for the mother of his children.
Some people on mn are just weird with their obsession about little they can give a shit about things.

That’s a strangely aggressive tone since you seem to be mostly agreeing with me. If they are younger than 5 they need some help, yes. We’ll need to disagree about the 9 year old.

I've seen it said on here countless times over the years and not just in the context of teens.

Yes sometimes I have read threads and I've thought the expectation was rather over the top, but either way it shouldn't matter that the woman is not his mum. She is the mother of his children.

It's teaching children to be thoughtful and considerate. People should be thoughtful and considerate all year round but getting a little card written from your child and your favourite chocolate is lovely and the children need some help from someone.

I agree, my ex has planned Mothers Day with my two - he’s helped them buy gifts and booked a nice dinner. I’m not his mum (or even his partner now) but I’m the mother of his kids. I do the same with the kids for Father’s Day - teaching the kids to mark special days is important to us both.

Most sensible post I've read all morning. Echoes my sentiments exactly.

😳😁