To hate it when people say 'he's not your mum'

[Jellycatjellycat]

I'm not particularly bothered about Mother's Day btw. If I get a bunch of tulips or some chocolate and a homemade card then I'm very happy.

But it really does wind me up when I read on here 'he's not your mum though is he' When a woman complains that her husband has made no effort to help the dc put together something for them.

Young children can't arrange anything without help from the dad can they?

Like your username! 😉

Yes, I agree. When children are young they need help to get a card and gift. The Dad should be demonstrating what it is to show appreciation and kindness towards somebody else. Then the Mum does the same for Father’s Day.

I got 'You're not my mum' with a snorting laugh because he thought he was so bloody funny one year.

It was very helpful being told that because it then meant I had the appropriate response to any of his future demands and expectations. And not only did his father bollock him for saying it, turned out (when he was moaning about it at a later date) he got bollocked at work for saying it there as well. DP, however, deals with all of that sort of thing because he's actually a decent human being with intelligence, wit, charm and consideration.

It's something said to belittle and mock women in this context. It's very disappointing that so many people on here wish to ape the attitude of misogynists.

Completely agree.

At the end of each term/year, I thank my children's teachers and contribute to gifts on behalf of my children because they are too young to do so themselves. Even though my children are the ones benefiting from their efforts, not me.

Most mothers provide so much unpaid and unacknowledged labour on behalf of their household and children (and often this saves fathers the work they'd otherwise have to do or let their children suffer). The least fathers can do is to help their children be appreciative of it and acknowledge it appropriately on their behalf until they are old enough to do so themselves.

And mothers' work in most cases doesn't just benefit the kids but the whole family, including fathers.

Similarly, most mothers would help their young children do something nice for their dad on father's day, to acknowledge the contribution he makes to their lives.

My dh always makes an effort. Yeah I’m not his mum but I’m the mother of his children

It is dickish. I really don't get it. Id fall in that group, but gone the other way, empathizing as I understand how bad it can feel. My XH actually went a step further and made sure he ruined special days while looking like a caring husband to the outside world. Telling workmates and friends what amazing things he did for Ellie's birthday then using that as an excuse to abuse me in private. I wanted to cry from sheer exhaustion and the nasty things he said to me on my first mother's day. Doesn't make me think other's dont deserve nice mother's days and I understand how bad it can feel and would never want others to go through that.

In short (and much less long-windedly!), most decent parents would consider that they benefit indirectly from things that people (including this other parent) do for their children! So "you're not my mum" as an excuse is nonsense. No I'm not, but I'm caring for and going the extra mile for your children.

I did. My Dad never, ever recognised Mother's day. I can remember very well the first year (I was 7) that I made a card and a home-made gift for my mother on Mother's day.

As an adult, however, I decided it was ludicrous to be corralled into recognising she was my Mum on a single day and ensured I never showed up to visit without some sort of gift or thing she'd like and took her out for coffe and cake, lunch and on holidays.

Absolutely not intended to be aggressive towards you, sorry if it comes across that way! More passionate that Dads should absolutely model appreciation and care towards their children’s mum.
The point I was trying to make (badly) is that yes, a child older than 5 has the ability to independently spoil Mum on Mother’s Day but if they have only ever had modelled to them thoughtlessness and taking Mum for granted then this is more likely what the independent outcome will be. Children can’t aim for what they don’t see.

My husband got me cards from my kids, our kids, my step kids and even got me one from himself that said "to my wife...." and he wrote a message in it saying thank you for everything I do for the family.

Yes I saw that thread earlier on here. I think it does it get used to justify shitty behaviour of men. I also think that some women on here use it just to be a bitch to other women disguised as faux confusion.

The first year of motherhood is a complete change - you give up your body/your sleep/your job for raising a tiny human who is unable to communicate in any way except crying. It can be pretty lonely. It's generally much more of a life shift for a mum than a dad, I don't think it would unreasonably entitled to hope a partner might recognise that, even in a very low key way.

Gah! I've got so confused. I quoted to say 'your' was correct, then realised the entire substance of the sentence was what you were correcting 😂

YANBU; husbands have to help. Mine are teen/pre-teen and they buy stuff that my DH reimburses them for. That is how we manage it now. It's not much; £10-20 gifts with a nice card.

What a kind response. Thank you.

Yes I think we completely agree with each other then.

I agree too OP. Parents should be teaching their children by example, including Dads!

Though I have also seen a far few comments this week along the lines of 'MIL's should not expect anything from their sons now they're married, as the wife is more important' type of thing. Which I actually completely disagree with. I think it's entirely possible to show appreciation both their own mother and their wife on Mother's Day, without having to 'pick a side' or pit the two women against each other.

This is so mean, and just exemplifies dreadfully low expectations of husbands and Dads,

My friend's daughter is non-verbal autistic. Is she just supposed to never get a present or a card? Of course not. Husband can step up and facilitate something.

This!

DS1 is 9, autistic and can say a handful of words. This is the first year I’ve been told HMD from one of our children, DS2, who is six, coming up to me, giving me a big hug and burying his little face into my neck and saying HMD. Granted, it was Friday but I was still chuffed nonetheless to hear it. DS1, one day being able to say it would bring me to tears.

My DH does buy a card from them and I do the same for him.

Well you seem bothered, you expect something.

I agree. To help your kids make a card and organise a nice breakfast/ lunch is a bare minimum of effort.

Most mothers don't want any more than that.

She said “If”. I wouldn’t count that as being bothered.

I think there is a difference between being bothered about MD and being bothered about how some mums are treated on MD.

Totally agree op. Some people will say anything for a dig. It makes them feel good sadly

It’s ridiculous. You have young children, you organise gifts etc for Mother’s Day if you’re the dad, likewise the mum does it for Father’s Day.

As I said it's nice for the day to be acknowledged. A card written from the dc is lovely.

I personally don't expect a huge fanfair or to be treated as though it's Christmas Day.

That doesn't mean it's ok for it's to be shrugged off as "well you're not my mother".

I don't know what huge fanfare anyone expects though. Pretty much everyone I'm aware of just wants an acknowledgement and a homemade card, flowers and crocs optional. What more than that do people get? It's not really a weekend away/£100 gift type of event.