To not want to give DD money to go get clothes?

[FreckleHeckle]

On her own?
She's 15 and has no real concept of money

She wants to go shopping with her friend to buy some clothes but I just know she won't try any of it on (hates changing rooms) will buy totally impractical stuff.

She loves vintage but in the way that a coat from a ' cool vintage shop' for £65 would be super cool but the SAME coat in a charity shop or carboot for £10 would be gross.

And yes I've told her a million times where vintage shops get their stock 😂😂

Obviously she is getting to the age where I have to just let her but I'm dreading to see what she comes back with, especially considering money isn't exactly bountiful right now.

I also remember my mum giving me £100 when I was 15 to go get school shoes, bag and a coat and coming back with a Shaun the Sheep bag and a tonne of CDs 😂😂😂

I'd hold back £30, and give her the remain £70. I'd give her a time scale the cloths/money needs to last. If she blows it all on a few items, then use the £30 to get her some basics from supermarket/vinted and that's what she's wearing for the next few months. If she surprises you and comes back with a near functional wardrobe, give her the £30, for whatever she wants.

My daughters used to do this.. then come home and do a show and tell.. luckily they spent wisely ( more or less) both had Saturday jobs.
Primark had opened so more stuff for your money.. clothes/ bags/ shoes,/ jewelry.
Eldest always wanted a CD.
Youngest a book.

I often get carried away when shopping and make shitty decisions and I'm over 40!

Then you are expecting too much from her and you haven’t learnt either.

She needs a job, her money is worth a lot more than free money.

You don’t have to just let her. She clearly can’t be trusted to buy the right things and it’s your money she’s spending. A 15 year old isn’t grown up.

You seem to be setting out to make this as drama prone as possible.
Why would she need to include underwear shopping - and the money for it - in this trip out with friends?
Just give her less money, deal with returns if you need to, and keep the underwear shopping for a day when she’s with you.

😂
OK ✌️

She needs a job? She just turned 15 and is Autistic, she absolutely could not handle a job at this point in her life. It's a struggle enough to get her in school

Why are people so serious on this site? You've never gone out to buy a pair of jeans but fell in love with a coat and come home with that instead?

Ligjtwn up.

Ah, makes me nostalgic for those days. I always found when I had a pocketful of money I could never find anything!!

It’s a wonderful rite of passage and the laughs you will have with DD now and in the future remembering what she buys will be lovely. You sound like a lovely mum OP😊

Why are people so serious on this site? You've never gone out to buy a pair of jeans but fell in love with a coat and come home with that instead?

I've certainly gone shopping and come home with something that I hadn't intended to buy.
However, if I needed jeans and only had enough money for jeans, then I would come home with jeans.

If your DD needs jeans, and she comes home with a coat, then you need to be telling her to take it back.

I'd personally suggest that you take her shopping for essentials (e.g. the new underwear) so that you can ensure she does make sensible choices (although you may have to compromise on a definition of sensible), and give her an allowance to spend on "fun" clothing.

Op! This is your chance to really positively impact your daughter. I remember my mum used to get frustrated with me either asking for stuff and going off of it or buying the wrong thing. The thing is you don't know at that age what is and isn't practical really or what your style is. Have a girly night, be kind and encouraging about how now she's at 15 she has an opportunity to build a capsule wardrobe with the money you will give her. Remind her that she doesn't have to dress like her friends because she can set her own style then show her someone that she can emulate with good, sustainable fashion choices and get excited with her deciding what she likes. Youtube is your place to go, there are a LOT of positive influencers doing these sort of videos. I was late teens when youtube got big and me and my mum used to love watching videos together, I got so excited when I saw your post because it really can be quite a pivotal point for a young woman finding her style. I remember suddenly feeling so empowered taking on all of these style tips like a sponge lol

From the other side- as a teen who was not given an allowance and was always taken clothes shopping by my mum until I got a job at 16 and earned my own money.

it wasn’t even about budget. It was learning about clothes, fashion, trends, how to put outfits together, how to find what suited me and what my style was.

when my mum oversaw my clothes I would want something- for example tweed skirts were “in” at one point. Yes she’d buy me one, but instead of an on trend mid thigh style from tammy or Chelsea girl, I’d be hauled off to M&S or Hof and end up with what she considered better quality and “classier” so an on the knee, less fitted style. She wouldn’t let me get DM’s for my Laura Ashley dress, as “a little heel” was more her style. I even remember her stopping someone in M&S to ask “if all the kids” were wearing bikini pants as I wanted those rather than her belly warmer preference.

so I ended up looking like a middle aged woman trying to keep up with the kids wearing modern clothes in a 70’s style. Not a good look.

it also meant I never developed confidence in clothes and my own style. Never leaned how to put an outfit together and own it, as I always knew if my mum approved, I’d missed the look I was aiming for.

my kids have chosen their own clothes since forever. They’ve shopped to buy their own since early teens. Yes sometimes they make mistakes, but that’s how you learn.

But aren't you just making a poor decision yourself. You say she needs underwear.

But you also say money is tight at the moment but are now planning on giving her money for jeans and tops. Surely if money is tight you explain this and give her money for underwear and perhaps a bit over.

When you were supposed to buy certain items and came back with random tat were there consequences or did your mum just buy what you were supposed to get anyway?

My view is if you can get what is needed if she comes back with the "wrong stuff" then do it but you do seem to be saying money is tight in which case don't go short in other areas if you can't afford the "loss" kf her following in your footsteps and coming back with a dream catcher, a Taylor Swift calendar and a pen from Squiggle

Shopping with your friends is an important (and fun!) rite of passage. But it makes sense to start small. Leaving out underwear, what one item would DD most need or want?

I would just give her enough for that, and give her some tips on what to look out for. If she needs jeans and comes home with cool shoes, she has to choose between returning the shoes and doing without the jeans for a while. She will learn, and it can be fun.

You can slowly increase the amount of money per shopping expedition

I feel like these sorts of independence gaining activities happen so late now, but yet we allow kids to have phones earlier and earlier.

I was allowed to walk to the shopping area of my small town with a friend when I was 10. I was about 11 when i came home having spent some pocket & birthday money on two cropped tops from new look which my mum was horrified by! She drove me back to return them the same day.

My mum was at the strict end of the spectrum in terms of what were allowed to do. Some kids these days seem to be drivem everywhere by parents until well into their teens.

If money isn’t an issue then I’d just let her go and enjoy herself!

At 14 i remember getting the bus to the nearest city with a friend and coming home with those ridiculous wide legged jeans that were briefly popular late 90s/early naughties, a punkyfish top that zippd open across your stomach & a hoody from a skatery sort of brand my mum hated, I don't think she intervened by then! By 15 and a half i had a job in a small shop to pay for what i wanted.

Get her into Vinted - it's fab!

I never got given money from an early age as mum couldn't afford any spare, so had to get a job. You learn pretty fast the value of money when it takes you 5 hours just to earn the price of a new top.

I feel like these sorts of independence gaining activities happen so late now,

I have a theory about the impacts of Covid - that children missed out on a "stage" of growing up, and it either meant they effectively missed out an independence stage altogether or they are just "behind" where we might have expected in previous years, possibly as a result of now feeling anxious about doing things that would have been easier at an early age.

OP's DD is 15, so would have been 11 when Covid hit - just the age that they might have expected to start going round the shops with friends or out on their own. So this fits my theory that they are coming to this stage late, and it subsequently feels more daunting.

She's autistic? Severely I assume? I only ask as I was and am, I could function obviously but frequently misread pretty much most customer service scenarios, I was a frightened anxious mess but I had no choice. She can obviously go out on her own with her mates, why is she then so incapable of working? Genuine question.

Write her a list with items she needs the most. Ask her to get those first and she can blow the rest on anything she wants as long as it’s clothes.

Oh what a lovely time in her life! I remember going shopping with friends for clothes. My DF would give me money and make me keep enough aside for a "good lunch".

I made some mistakes but in the main I always bought well.

I used to have to nag my DS to get new clothes!

I feel like these sorts of independence gaining activities happen so late now,

• *I don’t and think it often depends on the parents. I wasn’t given pocket money until 13 and was only allowed to choose specific type clothing by my mum. I wasn’t allowed to wear the same clothes like my other classmates. School dances were embarrassing for me and when I did tell her what my classmates were wearing she didn’t believe me nor apologised when she would pick me up from school dances and I was one of the few girls dressed like an 8 yo on Christmas day. If she didn’t like my choices, she would moan about them. My dad wasn’t that much better but he shut up about it when he picked me up from school once and saw that a top and jeans was standard for what about everyone wore at school and argued against her, telling her upfront that I wouldn’t like something she would want to buy for me. I still remember her moaning about me buying a pretty, simple a-line soft blue dress I fell in love with for my last school dance that I found at a charity shop for £15 instead of allowing her to buy a £300 yellow ball gown that made me look like big bird and I could already feel myself getting overheated in it, just trying it on.

Think the main reason she allowed me to choose at 15 was because I was spending my allowance on CD and computer games instead.

I see many teens of various ages out now shopping with their friends and also when I worked retail during Covid.

@FreckleHeckle yup be a disaster 🙈😂 she will learn eventually 😂

@FreckleHeckle

I would oversee her main wardrobe yourself because she is going to buy a heap of cheap and/or impractical rubbish otherwise.

She can still go shopping with her friend to look at and try on clothes (if comfortable). But you meet her after to pay at xyz shops. I did this with my Mum…. Spent the whole day shopping then she’d come and look at what I was interested in and allowed me to have a few things. Took her about an hour.

For main everyday clothes (coat, shoes, underwear, jeans, tops) she was always present.

Give her pocket money weekly for her to buy things solely of her choice so it isn’t too much of a waste.