My partner keeps trying to pay for things for me and having me pay him back to 'save on interest'

[boysmama1]

Bit of a long one ... but this is the back story.

1. I have a credit card (£1K limit) that is currently maxed out. This is from a business trip to the US 18 months ago, I have been paying it back but I have also recently come back from mat leave so I have a couple months of missed payments (I know now great for the credit score, but I am still in the good section)
2. My boyfriend while 'tidying' found a missing payment letter - the only way he would have found this would have been by going through my things (I keep a folder under my bedside drawers with any important documents/letters). He must have looked here to have found the letter and even open it to read it.

By doing point A - I feel violated and I don't even want to see/speak to him because he's gone through my personal items. To me, this doesn't impact him in the slightest. I am paying it off - I can afford pay more off now that I am back to work full time after maternity leave (my minimum payments were only £40/month) and my credit score is still 'good'.

Financials are a really personal thing to me and I feel super judged for having one. He made the comment of 'do you know how many credit cards I have?... None'

He now wants to give me the money to pay the card off in full to 'save on interest' and then I pay him back. I can afford the £40/month payment - and like I said, now I am back full time I can even afford to pay off more than that.
But this isn't the first time an instance like the above has happened ... Last year I had an extra £500 that I wasn't expecting from my last paycheck before maternity leave, so I put it into out joint account to contribite towards our bills while I was on mat leave. Instead of leaving it, he took that money to 'pay himself back' because he decided that to save £40, he would pay my car insurance in full. It came to like £500 - and something I could have afforded to pay monthly while I wasn't working.

I just feel like he wants everything paid in full all the time - when financially we are trying to save money instead of spending it and sometimes paying monthly is easier instead of depleating our saving accounts and then trying to get that back again - it turns it into a vicious circle of never having any savings because he's constantly using it to pay things off in full.

Am I being unreasonable in my feelings? Or should I have told him about the credit card / continue to let him pay everything in full? I just hate the idea of owing him money all the time because he's rather make the payment NOW instead of letting me have a payment plan and pay it off myself. I feel like I am being treated like a child who isn't allowed a financial responsibility.

This is a fairly normal way to buy a car, and he didn’t hide it from you either. It only shows your financial incompetence further to even suggest that this is similar to you paying for a holiday you can’t afford with a credit card that you are still paying off 18 months later.

You are the red flag here, I could not be in a relationship with somebody so bad with money. After quite an impoverished childhood, I take my financial security very seriously and I could not let myself be dragged down.

@Notmyuser I am not overlooking anything. The OP being irresponsible in her finances does not give the partner authority to take over her finances against her wishes. HE can walk away if he wants to. He should NOT be trying to control or attempt to control her money. I am not sure why so many think that the man has the the right to take over because the woman missed some payments.

I'm in two minds about this one.

I fully agree your money is your business, women should not hand over financial control to a man.

That said he makes sense and sounds much more financially secure than you.

At the end of the day its your right to get yourself into debt in your money and your name, but it is a silly thing to do if you don't have too and a worrying thing to be so nonchalant about.

Just keep all your finances separate as you clearly have opposite money views.

What is the interest rate on his 6k car loan and what is the interest rate on your 1k credit card debt?

this really matters!

you are definitely not open with him as you kept the credit card debt from him (under the bed, wherever, it doesn’t matter)

did he keep the car loan from you?

are you paying 50% of your income each into joint account (I.e. in proportion to your salary) or the exact same amount into the joint account (I.e. 50:50)??

you should have an equal say on the use of Remaining money in the joint account at the end of the month.

I dont understand why you were paying for either Netflix or your phone bill from your own account during mat leave? Surely these are household bills?? Unless you have chosen a very expensive phone account that your DP doesn’t agree with??

Either way, you should have prioritised paying your credit card over Netflix and definitely prioritised paying your credit card over £20-30 per family member (?!?!) if you have a lot of relatives over Christmas. That just sounds like someone who is living beyond their means.

He can't just walk away because they have a baby together.

I think he's going about it a bit too heavy-handedly but undoubtedly op does need intervention.

Getting finance for frivolous things and then not paying it off promptly, is similar to gambling in its impulsiveness/wastefulness.

But she is being financially irresponsible. She’s already missed 3 credit card payments so will have racked up penalties for that along with additional interest.

I'd make it clear he's not to read your personal mail anymore, that's out of order.

However, I'd either take him up on his offer to pay off the card or find an interest free balance transfer card instead. It's crazy to be paying interest when you don't actually have to.

I do get why you don't want to accept his offer though.

I recall some months ago there was a thread on here about a woman who, because of her DHs gambling and inability to manage his money, took over the household finances. She found out about his money problems by ‘snooping’. Her DH didn’t have access to any money. She gave him spending money. Everyone was cheering her on saying she was absolutely doing the right thing.

Getting finance on things you don't need is an impulsive/reckless mindset that's really damaging long term. It's a bad habit.

There's an argument that partners help each other with bad habits.

If I got into gambling (I have previous form and family history) I'd like to think my dh wouldn't simply leave me, but talk to me and possibly impose some barriers on my behalf.

He shouldn’t have gone through your paperwork. But then I don’t understand why if you are living with, have a child with and are financially connected with a joint account, that you hide this anyway.

However, he’s right in what he’s saying. Things should be paid in full where possible. Don’t get me wrong, I have a credit card. But it’s 0% and if I can’t clear it in time then it will be a balance transfer. I’m not paying interest on it.

@Mumoftwo1312 I don't agree. Both partners in any relationship can walk away at any point if the other partner's behaviour is having an adverse effect on the relationship. Both partners do not have the right to control the other. If they want to stay together for the sake of the child they need to talk it over and find a solution that fits them both. No one has the right to "intervene" and take control of another's finances against their wishes, unless they've been declared incompetent under law. Comments on this post has been an eyeopener for me as to how many women seem to think men should take over since the poor woman is incapable of running her life herself, unless she makes perfect decisions.

Do you plan on buying a house together? If so, could this be the reason he wants to help you keep your finances clear? He shouldn't have gone through your things though.

OP, use this calculator to work out how long it will take you to pay off £1000 on your Cc at £40 a month. You’ll be absolutely shocked.
https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/credit-cards/minimum-repayments-credit-card/

You share a child, so you should be sharing the money…

Yes. That is exactly the same as the OP having a grands worth of debt and missing 3 payments while earning reduced pay on maternity leave. Totally the same. So her BOYFRIEND has every right to snoop through her personal things and take control of her finances.
Are you really comparing the two scenario's? Really?

No not exactly the same but seems pretty similar to me. 🤷‍♀️

Well if that's how you think @Picklestop then there's nothing I can say to convince you of the difference between OP and a gambling addict 🤦‍♀️

You are wasting money on interest when you dont need to. Either transfer the balance to a zero rate card (but that may not be possible as you've missed payments) or accept an interest free loan from your partner.

You running up an avoidable high interest debt for small purchases (couldnt you have got a cheaper overdraft even?) is entirely different to your partner taking on a car loan ( at a much lower interest rate that he could afford without risk of getting pregnant) for something he couldnt buy without a loan.

You have a very ill informed attitude to money.

He shouldnt have snooped but he was open about his debt and it seems you were not.

Lol at the dramatic 'leave him' replies on here...
Just sit him down and tell him not to snoop through your paperwork and that you will pay off your debts in your own way.
I hate credit cards and refuse to pay interest on them so i actually think your boyfriend is quite financially savvy.

Hes not that financially savvy. He's in more debt than she is despite earning more and not sacrificing full pay to have a baby. Due to him wanting a car he couldn't afford.

If the boyfriend was financially savvy he wouldn't have left his partner so short of money during her maternity leave, he wouldn't be spending or reclaiming the excess in the bills account. He isn't someone I would recommend that the op gets into debt to, abuse often starts in pregnancy and there are signs here of abuse, hints rather than flat out evidence but enough to warn the op to not get into debt to him.

But he has talked it over with her. He hasn't done anything in secret

You say you are 'trying to save'; well, the first thing in that case is to avoid debt and clear interest. You sound financially illiterate. If you have a child together, why can you not openly discuss finances? If you stay together, your poor financial decisions could mean he is refused a mortgage.

When I read your first post I only saw issue with him going through your things, not him offering to act as a lender and you pay him back without interest - this is something I do with my partner as I have much more savings than him and it saves him paying unnecessary interest. However, your DP sounds like he’s overstepping and making you uncomfortable. Surely he should be able to see that by you both contributing half isn’t actually fair, it should be a percentage of your earnings and what you can afford so if he is the higher earning then he contributes more! I’m also appalled by him allowing you to sacrifice over half of your monthly payments while on maternity pay, while you’re at home looking after his child. That should also be considered valuable and he should be increasing the financial support. I think his relationship with finances is negatively impacting his relationship with you and he needs to either sort it out or you need to get shot! Sorry OP, it sounds so difficult

You're not being unreasonable to be pissed off at him snooping, but he's definitely not being unreasonable to be financially responsible and favour paying things off in full.

I can't imagine how much interest you're going to pay on a £1000 credit card balance paid off at £40 a month (plus presumable penalties for missing months). Every penny of it money straight down the drain.