To think this shouldn’t be expected of me at all ?

[Mytimeisformenow]

I’ve recently given up work now that my ds has been diagnosed (ASD, ADHD and developmental delay) as he now receives DLA and I get carers and UC. He started reception last year.

my dsis has been helping care for our mother (I’m LC with her due to a terrible and emotionally abusive upbringing). She lives very nearby to me but I only see her once or twice a year briefly. Occasional calls maybe 2-3 times a year we really don’t get on.

Dsis on finding out I didnt work anymore a week ago had emailed me the schedule for our Mother’s appts etc and told me which I will be taking her to ??? She then called me to say that I need to go round on Mondays Wednesday and Fridays to ‘help out’ which means doing washing/general cleaning and preparing lunch as she’s ’burnt out’ doing it herself .

I said no I won’t be doing ANY of it - to be told that I don’t work and my child is full time at school so I need to help. I reiterated that no I won’t be.

Today she called me furious as our mother hadn’t been to her appts and I hadn’t been round and the house was a mess. I told her id made it clear I wasn’t helping. I said the only thing I’m prepared to do is arrange a cleaner and laundry service she said good so I called to get my mothers bank details to set it up for payments and an hour later get a furious call from dsis that she thought I meant I would pay for it !!!!!!!!

I then get a call from my aunt saying that my behaviour is awful and the whole family are shocked that I’m happy to ignore my own mother when I have all day every day free now

AIBU to feel like they are all in the wrong - this shouldn’t be expected of me not one of them has ever offered any help with ds yet they want me to help now !

Tell them what you've told us OP, ie, you've done nothing to help me while I've been struggling, me and mother don't get on, so I won't be helping her or you!

Block them. They aren't bringing any joy or help to your life.

Don't engage with them. They are choosing not to understand your reasons, and therefore no matter what you tell them they aren't going to change their minds.
Cut connection and live your life with your DS.

Good for you op. It’s REALLY, REALLY hard to go NC with a parent. I’ve no doubt that you took years of crap before eventually enough was enough. Stand firm.

Block all of them.

Oh my lord up. Your family sounds massively toxic. How dare your sister TELL you what to do. I understand she might be burnt out and she could have asked for help but TELLING us not on. Have your sister and wider family always guilted you?
Seems odd they expect so much given you have such a minimal relationship with your mum. Is the relationship with the wider family worth this hastle or are they like your mum too.

They sound pretty awful OP.

But, just putting forward another POV - you're LC with your mum, but do you have a good relationship with your sister? Do you love and care for her? If so, looking after an elderly or ill parent is exhausting and she does sound quite burnt out. Is it worth popping round to see her (these things are easier face to face I find), and saying that you don't want to personally help your mum because of your childhood but you do want to support your sister, and come up with a plan to help ease the burden on her? Carers, the cleaner etc are all good ideas that you've had.

I can completely understand why you don't want to do it yourself, and think you should stick to your guns on that.

Perfectly within your rights not to help your mother in her old age. On another note, they've been quite a few threads recently about children being excluded from their parents' wills.. I'm assuming you'd be perfectly happy if that happened?

My mother was emotionally abusive and I am no contact for a reason. I will not be participating in her care.
And repeat until they leave you alone.
Never apologise for having boundaries with toxic people. If your sister and aunt can't understand that then you need to go low contact with them. They will just drag you down.

Don’t engage. Block them.
You don’t owe them an explanation.

You are not your mum's carer and don't have to be, certainly not three times a week, three times a year may be too much! Also, your mum must be relatively young, so why does she need daily care and lunch-making and cleaning every day?

Please don't do this, it is not compatible with low contact. I would ignore aunt and sister, say you are happy to help arrange care in a more distant way, but that's it. You've decided what you can offer and that's enough for a parent who is going to be destructive if you increase contact.

How did your sister find out you are no longer working? It's none of her business.
Rather than get into arguments I would say that I AM working. The end.

YADNU
Ignore your sister

I think the poster who asked if you and your sister usually love and support each other is spot on. Because no you shouldn’t have to do anything for your mum, but if your sister is a valued relationship then that changes how you approach it and an in person discussion is the right thing to do.
you tell aunty you haven’t had help with your child and you don’t see her helping her own sister so she can pull her head in.

People say family first, nothing is more important than family, blah blah blah. But these people are not "family", they are people you don't get on with that you happen to be related to.
Tell your sister to fuck off and anyone else to mind their own business.

No, no, no. Yes, your child is at school during the day but there’s so much you can use that time for. Cleaning/ shopping/ tidying/ prepping food so that you have more time to spend with them out of school. Resting/sleeping if they’ve been up and down with them all night and you’ve not been able to sleep. There might be more times than usual you have to go into school, take them to appointments during the day etc. That time isn’t “free time doing nothing” if you use it carefully it will help you and your child so much the rest of the time.

YANBU not to do anything for your mum as sounds like she was abusive but YABU if you still expect your sister to talk to you. Your sister is your mum’s skivvy and it’s going to be a hard pill for your sister to see you be free.

I think you also should stop seeing your mum, not sure why you’re bothering except to look good to relatives.

Also advise your sister that your mum should get a cleaner and carers instead of sister doing it.

I wouldn't like to comment until I'd heard your sister's and mum's versions of events tbh.

Fuck that. Block the lot of them.

People can 'expect' whatever they like.

You don't have to comply - and I'm impressed to see you haven't.

Fuck what they think of you. You owe her nothing.
Parents (and other relatives) expect all sorts of things - don't comply and ignore any further requests demands, NOT your problem

Are they on crack?! No. Just no

As long as there’s no inheritance you are hoping to benefit from I say ‘crack on’. You owe her nothing.

If the mother has any money she should spend it on help and not expect her daughters to be scivvies.

Bloody well done OP! Stick to your guns.

I have huge sympathy for your sister because its incredibly hard caring for an aged parent, really, really hard. Especially if that parent isn't very nice or worse, is abusive.

But her approach was entirely wrong and I agree with other posters that you don't need to back down here. Yanbu.