To think this shouldn’t be expected of me at all ?

[Mytimeisformenow]

I’ve recently given up work now that my ds has been diagnosed (ASD, ADHD and developmental delay) as he now receives DLA and I get carers and UC. He started reception last year.

my dsis has been helping care for our mother (I’m LC with her due to a terrible and emotionally abusive upbringing). She lives very nearby to me but I only see her once or twice a year briefly. Occasional calls maybe 2-3 times a year we really don’t get on.

Dsis on finding out I didnt work anymore a week ago had emailed me the schedule for our Mother’s appts etc and told me which I will be taking her to ??? She then called me to say that I need to go round on Mondays Wednesday and Fridays to ‘help out’ which means doing washing/general cleaning and preparing lunch as she’s ’burnt out’ doing it herself .

I said no I won’t be doing ANY of it - to be told that I don’t work and my child is full time at school so I need to help. I reiterated that no I won’t be.

Today she called me furious as our mother hadn’t been to her appts and I hadn’t been round and the house was a mess. I told her id made it clear I wasn’t helping. I said the only thing I’m prepared to do is arrange a cleaner and laundry service she said good so I called to get my mothers bank details to set it up for payments and an hour later get a furious call from dsis that she thought I meant I would pay for it !!!!!!!!

I then get a call from my aunt saying that my behaviour is awful and the whole family are shocked that I’m happy to ignore my own mother when I have all day every day free now

AIBU to feel like they are all in the wrong - this shouldn’t be expected of me not one of them has ever offered any help with ds yet they want me to help now !

You don't owe your mother her care and I think paid help with cleaning and laundry (paid for by your mum!) is an excellent idea rather than your sister doing everything herself. You can find a paid helper to take her to appointments etc too if the money will stretch to it.

It is reasonable to resist what your sister is asking you for and well done for being assertive.

I can also see things from your sister’s point of view because my sister and I were in exactly the same situation as you. My sister was NC with my DF and I ended up caring for him towards the end of his life. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and it broke me down physically and mentally. I understood why my sister could not see him but never understood why she did not support me more. She seemed to think that because she was NC then everyone else should ignore him or just give minimal care. She also just did not grasp the toll it was taking on me. I think if you haven’t cared for an elderly person you can’t imagine how hard it is and how much support the carer needs too.

Your sister is not being empathetic about your situation but maybe a part of that is because she feels you are not being empathetic to her either.

Not unreasonable to not help out but I do think your sister's carer stress needs to be addressed. Maybe you could talk to your sister about that and work out some outside support options for your mother to give your sister a break?

I understand why you want to refuse, but by ignoring the situation you are by default putting it all on your sister and that in itself isn't fair - unless there's a huge backstory you've not mentioned re her
I was low contact with my mum but I supported from a distance to support my brother, who lived around the corner from mum and got all the hassle if things went wrong. And yes in my situation that included paying, because the NHS/social care wouldn't do it, mum couldn't/wouldn't (abusive alcoholic) and if no one did it was my brother who copped it.
If your sister did the same as you what would happen? For my brother he couldn't ignore - police, paramedics and everyone else who dealt with her saw to that. If your sister is in a situation where practically she can't really opt out then you're being very unfair to your sister by assuming she will pick up the pieces.

They are fucking delusional OP I have x2 non verbal asd adhd severe developmental delays 5yo is like 2.5 3.5 is more like 9-12months! I’m always called to collect if the school can’t manage the meltdowns even though 5yo has a 1-1!! So no you are not free at all I have to carefully plan appointments too far from the school and trips into town etc!

Plus I hate this notion that everyone should love there mother because they’ll never get another! Stick to your guns op xx

I disagree @Bridgertonned - if the sister so wishes she can also step back and leave it to social services to arrange care.

@Mytimeisformenow OP has a right to be LC with her mum or even NC, and gave up work to look after her DC. She is not available for care work for her mum even if there weren't the emotional abuse issues. Those scant hours while the DC is at school is the only timr OP gets for her own household management and self-care. That precious time is not a resource for anyone else to claim.

@Mytimeisformenow

This is a classic case of "the olde worlde saying you reap what you sow"
in regards of your very valid reasons for your "indifference attitude"
towards doing any caring role work for your abusive mother,

I think 🤔 this depends on how you feel about your sister ?
you sound like you have quite emotionally complicated perplexing fraught charged relationship with her,
Just like with rest of your family i guess,

could you help in a miminal way at a remote distance such as just arranging carers from social social services and a proffession house cleaner for your mother?
That's it

Obviously explain to your sister its cause of consequences of having such an abusive experiences relationship with your mother that you feel this way,

I can see why your sister feels burnt out with all that involved with caring work and that ect,
Why aren't the rest of the family helping out in some way in regards of caring work with your mother?

Why is just both of you got to shoulder all this on your own...

Looking after a child with ASD, ADHD and GDD is exhausting. Beyond anything you could imagine at a times, and there’s much less understanding for a carer of children than there is for those caring (and that’s bloody hard I agree) for their elderly/ill parents. The OP is already doing enough, unless the sister wants to
swap roles and take care of her nephew for a while to give the OP a break?

OP, I agree with others, just block. If your sister is finding caring for your mum too much she needs to get outside agencies involved. Unlike your caring circumstances, she made a choice. Remind her that you are not ‘not working’, you are a full time carer already and do not have the mental or physical capacity to be a secondary carer to someone who never treated you with care to begin with.

Can I ask if your mum was emotionally abusive to your sister too and do they get along now?

Im in a similar situation but my siblings and I have come together to do it all between us and it brings contact to a minimum for each of us as it’s shared.
Everything gets done, the obligations are fulfilled, I don’t call it care, I call it obligation as I don’t particularly like my mother (aggressive, neglected upbringing).

I just can’t see one person coping with it all alone which is why we work together. Is there anything even small you can negotiate to do from afar?
To add, I do not like my either so keep contact at with them to a minimum.

I have a complex relationship with my sister, we are very close in age I’m just over a year older yet we were treated totally differently growing up (she was treated like a princess I was apparently’difficult’ so needed ‘harsh parenting and strict rules’) . Dsis just let that happen and never stuck up for me which I get as a young child but in our teen years she was not supportive and it was horrible.

I fully expect I won’t get inheritance but I do suspect dsis doesnt want money spent on care to have as much left for herself which is why she’s been doing all she can to avoid any costs but as I have no incentive not to I was happy to outsource things after being instructed what I had to do.

I do often feel that I’d like to get on better with dsis but I don’t think it’s possible after our childhood. This last week or so has made me feel that way again

YABNU.
And ifnyour DSis is struggling and unable to continue she can reach out and get the appropriate support required. Just likenyou had to do for your DS. Proving its not impossible.

Nobody is making her do this. She can stop.

I'd personally tell them all to fuck off and block them. What do they bring to your life?

@YireosDodeAver what exactly do you think SS would do?
In our situation it was sweet FA. They offered an expensive meals on wheels service and that was it. No help with appointments, or to stop her wandering, or the hoarding, or the falls....

OP I understand you sound very hurt, and siblings being treated differently is hard. Kindly though, expecting your sister to recognise and intervene in your teen years is a little unrealistic. It's very difficult to change those patterns as a child, whether you're the golden child or the black sheep.

Its not just about your relationship with your mother tho, its about your relationship with your sister. If you value your relationship with your sister then you should talk to her and then decide whether you want to help her and live with consequences of your decision .

Ok OP I understand where you are coming from.

I also understand how hard it is trying to care for an elderly relative.

I'm a lone parent, child with adhd and ASD and I work full time so I don't have the capacity to help with my DM.

What I do is take POA over legal and financial stuff. I'm not saying you should just saying it's a hands off way of helping your sister (and I also get you might not want to do that)

If your mother needs care are there carers going in everyday?

You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Boundaries are yours don't let anyone break them.

You don't have to help your mum that's your absolute right.

But on a separate note, why don't you work, your son is at school all day. The country's finances are crippled and I don't understand why you are not working. Feels a bit lazy t o me? I get if he was not at school, but ......

You must be very strong and determined, first to have gone low contact and then to have fought for support for your child.
It's plain though that your childhood is still affecting you because you are still allowing these people too much room in your head. They didn't have your back while you were growing up, but they expect you to jump when they say jump.
You don't owe them any explanations, they should know full well that you need to keep your distance for your own well being, and you need to keep your money for your DC. If you feel you really must say something, how about: I've already told you I won't be doing that. What you do is up to you.
Then block.

WOW! Does your child have the same issues as op exactly though?! As mine are non verbal asd adhd with severe development delay and I have to drop everything ALOT! Not to mention she’s a single mum if I didn’t work from home for our family run business thankfully I do have that luxury no way in hellll I could work inbetween all the meetings speech and language being called to the school up all night with dd 3!!!! It’s not a one size fits all! How bludy rude.

For fucks sake. OP is not collapsing the economy when there are absolute walkers in Parliament claiming for their horses heating bills.

Why don't you do us all a favour and liquidise every single asset you own and put it into the country's purse if such a small amount would make such a huge difference.

LC isn’t working now your mum needs care.

I think you have to break from the family or do something to help or you will ruin relationships with sister/others in family.
I still don’t speak to my uncle who was fucking useless when my gran was high needs and dying. It brought my mum to her knees.

Consider the long term consequences I’d say

I don’t work now because ds doesn’t sleep much at night so I’m exhausted, he also has lots of appointments I need to take him too and although he’s at school full
time i regularly have to go in if he needs collecting or there’s a problem of some sort i was getting physically unwell from the stress and workload trying to combine caring with a job so when he got dla and i got carers allowance i gave up as the situation was deteriorating and i had to prioritise parenting and caring to meet ds needs and my own

The ‘you aren’t working’ and ‘doing nothing all day, every day’ is infuriating isn’t it?

Care is so often seemingly invisible to others.

The amount you have been doing seems invisible to your sister and that is very hard.

Has the amount she has been doing been invisible to you though?

The cost in time, money & worry to go clean, bring washing back clean, dry and return, all the driving to apps etc

As a carer to your ASD, ADHD, developmentally delayed child you will know all the costs to you this places on you coping alone even though you love him dearly.

Perhaps a conversation clearing the air is possible and finding a way forward that honours both of your care, time and financial efforts?

I am always a little surprised on threads describing female parents being abusive where the (grand)children have diagnosis of some form of ND that it is never really suggested that the parent may have also been ND and struggled because it was not recognised.

It’s very nearly always mentioned if a woman is struggling with a ND child and the father is being difficult ‘he’s probably x as well’ to explain his behaviour.

Your mother may be an absolute horror with or without any ND, your sister may be minimising your caring duties for your DC and vastly overstepping telling you what to do.

It is also possible that your mum struggled in your childhood, that ‘being difficult’ was you struggling as a child, your sister as a young teen was not responsible for you.

Each of you three have been trying your best to cope and are doing your best to cope now in a society not set up to acknowledge the importance of care much less actually support carers.

Could you approach this current situation from that angle?

Have an open conversation with your sister?

Perhaps a way forward is possible whereby you can support each other.

Fuck the lot of them!

@YireosDodeAver social services do not ‘step in’ and take over care. Have you not read the umpteen articles over the last few years, or noticed any of the threads on MN about the state of care for the elderly? When I was caring for DF who had always been a terrible dad I was repeatedly asked why I did it, because surely SS could take care of him. If you have elderly relatives who don’t have much money you have a shock coming.

Both OP and her sister are suffering, like millions of others around the country.

@Jeamlander

Each of you three have been trying your best to cope and are doing your best to cope now in a society not set up to acknowledge the importance of care much less actually support carers

This exactly

Do you have any idea how crippling it would be to the government and social care budgets if familial carers worked full time? The support and budget isn’t there now! Familial caring is full time work, completely underpaid. And unlike ‘paid work’, carers allowance is taken from universal credit £1 for £1, so claiming both means you don’t actually get paid beyond extra pension credits.

Calling the op lazy is disgustingly ignorant. When you live on a few hours broken sleep every night for years, constant appointments and meetings, sorting medications, have a child that’s unable to regularly go to school or is on a reduced timetable, a child who certainly cannot go to a childminder or after school clubs, still needs help dressing/washing/using the toilet well beyond toddlerhood, is a danger to themselves and sometimes others, cannot be left unsupervised for longer than it takes to go for a wee, and so many aspects beyond your little mind - where in between all that is the op meant to work and manage her child’s increasing (and it only increases over the years) needs? Either she stays with her child at the moment or it will have to be additional funding, which is the most cost effective?