To think this shouldn’t be expected of me at all ?

[Mytimeisformenow]

I’ve recently given up work now that my ds has been diagnosed (ASD, ADHD and developmental delay) as he now receives DLA and I get carers and UC. He started reception last year.

my dsis has been helping care for our mother (I’m LC with her due to a terrible and emotionally abusive upbringing). She lives very nearby to me but I only see her once or twice a year briefly. Occasional calls maybe 2-3 times a year we really don’t get on.

Dsis on finding out I didnt work anymore a week ago had emailed me the schedule for our Mother’s appts etc and told me which I will be taking her to ??? She then called me to say that I need to go round on Mondays Wednesday and Fridays to ‘help out’ which means doing washing/general cleaning and preparing lunch as she’s ’burnt out’ doing it herself .

I said no I won’t be doing ANY of it - to be told that I don’t work and my child is full time at school so I need to help. I reiterated that no I won’t be.

Today she called me furious as our mother hadn’t been to her appts and I hadn’t been round and the house was a mess. I told her id made it clear I wasn’t helping. I said the only thing I’m prepared to do is arrange a cleaner and laundry service she said good so I called to get my mothers bank details to set it up for payments and an hour later get a furious call from dsis that she thought I meant I would pay for it !!!!!!!!

I then get a call from my aunt saying that my behaviour is awful and the whole family are shocked that I’m happy to ignore my own mother when I have all day every day free now

AIBU to feel like they are all in the wrong - this shouldn’t be expected of me not one of them has ever offered any help with ds yet they want me to help now !

stay strong op..your priority is you and your child,not someone who made your life horrid...you need explain no further than that to anyone,

"But on a separate note, why don't you work, your son is at school all day. The country's finances are crippled and I don't understand why you are not working. Feels a bit lazy t o me? I get if he was not at school, but ......"

There's always one on every thread with no clue. This time it is you.

Tell me you don't have a clue about parenting a child with additional needs without telling me you don't have a clue about parenting a child with additional needs.

You can be up the majority of the night and get called into school every day.

I guess sleep is optional?

Lol exactly what a foolish remark on such a wide spectrum I have many friends with asd children that are far higher functioning than my dc! I also have friends with dc with asd with extremely bad mobility and hearing sensory issues worse than my dc!

Well you got one thing right.
You DON'T understand.

Agree unless your sister is at her wits end (sounds a bit like it) and someone has told her to put her foot down hence her extremely direct approach. Perhaps a compromise is the solution here?

This don't let them pressure you

The cleaning schedule is OTT for a single household with mobility issues, as a starting point. I don't think that one sibling should pressure the other because they are hanging on to an inheritance. If your sidyis burnt-out then now is the time for assessments and these can come from various organisations, falls service, community health etc and some of the load be outsourced.

No. A compromise is not needed.
They have no control over OP and have nothing she wants.

This is what is wrong with society - everyone is just thinking about themselves. Why should your poor sister have to do everything?

Take a step back from all this emotion @Mytimeisformenow , look at the situation completely dispassionately.

nobody in your family has been there for you, NONE of them have ever had your interests at heart, only themselves.

tell them all what you’ve told us here and then from that point on refuse to engage.

I would suggest tell them all to go fuck themselves, but it’s not very dignified and tbh, it won’t serve you well.

Turn the page and close the book. Go NC with the lot of them

Erm.. it’s in the OP… @Mytimeisformenow DM was abusive

@Mytimeisformenow You are absolutely right to stick to your guns and refuse to have very little contact with your Mum. You do need to protect yourself here and you must already be very stressed caring for your son. I'm sure you will need to catch up on some sleep during the day, too while he is in school

However, your sister isn't wrong in how she feels either, as she sounds like she is at breaking point herself, from what you say. She has NOT gone about this the right way in 'telling' you what you need to do rather than trying to have an adult conversation with you to see if there was any way, without having contact with your Mum, that you could help lift her burden. Because it will be a dreadful burden. I was practically on my knees providing support to my late Mother ( also not a nice person) by the time she passed, so I understand where she is coming from, at the end of her tether and the amount of help she is providing is unsustainable in the longer term.

I do wonder though, whether your Mother does need as much help as your sister is providing? What age is your Mum? Can she afford to pay for a cleaner, say once or twice a week, who might also do the washing when she is there? How disabled is your Mum? Has your sister asked for a needs assessment from the local council at all? She might get some free help, and if your Mum hasn't got the money to pay, she might not have to pay more than she can afford. Depending on how unable your Mother is, has Sister claimed any benefits for her - like Attendance Allowance, which could then be used to pay for some outside help?

If you want to maintain some kind of relationship with your sister, and only if you do want that, these are things you could find out from her and see if there is anything you can do to help which doesn't involve you seeing your Mother at all. If you can afford it, you could offer to pay for the cleaner/cum home help ( to help your sister out, not your Mother)? Though I guess, you probably can't afford to do that. My Mum couldn't have continued living at home without her cleaner cum home help - and she had carers in twice a day too. But if, as you have suggested, you don't have a good relationship with your sister either, then just opt out altogether and stick to your guns and pay no attention to your Aunt or anyone else who is trying to give you a hard time

I gave up work for similar reasons and now DD is 20 I still can't work because of her demands on me. Nearly 20 years of people close to me not understanding that despite her being in full time education my time is not my own.

Please stand firm, you need to be available for your child and to rest.

The OP shouldn't be pressured into caring for a parent that was abusive to her. Or pay for anything towards care. Fuck that.

Parents reap what they sow.

Tell me you don't have a child with additional needs without telling me you don't have a child with additional needs!

I had a child with additional needs (he's grown up now) and I can not tell you the amount of times I had to drop everything to support him.
I worked (a various points) and can tell you that the strain of trying not to get the sack, keeping a roof over our heads and meeting my child's needs nearly led me to a breakdown. I gave up work for quite a while. Had I not done so, the cost to society would have been far greater than my tax pounds!

OP: @Mytimeisformenow You're not a drain on society, ignore this poster, obviously has no clue. Well done on the amazing job you do with your child - and ignore the DSis - I am NC with my DM and can tell you I will absolutely not be involved in any aspect of her care, and I give not a fuck.

@Mytimeisformenow I went no contact with my mum and my big sister for grabby reasons. within a couple of weeks my mood lightened and i got my happiness back in my life. my hubby was the one who advised no contact and it was the best advice ever/ just do it for yourself and go no contact. they are not worth the stress!

If the elderly want care that they are not financing and supplying they shouldn't be such shitty parents.

The sister doesn't have to do anything. Nobody is forcing her

So your dsis doesn’t want money spent on a cleaner etc? Tough, not her money. The rest of the family are whinging yet not helping her either? Bloody cheeky fuckers! You have enough on your plate without having to care for someone who was emotionally abusive. I like @strawberry2017 ’s response, succinct!

What about the OP? None of her family have helped her care for her dc. I agree with the pp who said there's much more sympathy for carers if elderly than disabled dc. It's extremely difficult dealing with disabled dc, too, I can assure you.

We had a similar situation where elderly mil was very unwell, whom we were lc with. Dp and I made very clear that I was dc's carer, so could not possibly be mil's carer too. It did not stop lots of incessant phonecalls however.

She doesn't have to do everything. She could choose to do less, or nothing.

Siblings can have very different experiences/ treatments growing up

You haven't gone LC for nothing

Stick to your guns - well done 👍

Agree