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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gap between death and funeral is affecting me

55 replies

Auburngal · 08/03/2024 08:04

My Nanan died over a fortnight ago and the funeral is just under a fortnight away.

i know this is the norm for funerals. I’m not feeling myself and it’s affecting my anxiety. So much so I got irritated by a awkward customer at work. Then walked away

In my other relatives the gap between death and funeral was 10-12 days. That’s manageable.

People told me that they relax the middle two weeks and then start to grieve all over again a few days before.

I’m scared of going to work over the next days. We are short staffed at the moment - the norm for all retailers and we get it in the neck from customers. They just moan at us and not contact head office. They might as well moan at a wall.

Also not looking forward to the funeral itself (who doesn’t) as conflict between DF and DA. Her granddaughter wants these tacky NAN flower arrangements and rest request no flowers which is in the interest for Nanan.

Any tips how to cope with this?

OP posts:
CampsieGlamper · 08/03/2024 08:34
Flowers April GIF

Can you get at fit note from your GP by phone signing you off and does your surgery have a link worker community prescriber to help you with bereavement support?

Hoglet70 · 08/03/2024 08:34

Just sending you a hug. That waiting bit is horrible. You can't try and come to terms with anything because it's still not over. Not nice.

Didimum · 08/03/2024 08:44

My father’s funeral was 2.5 months on from his death. I would talk to his picture each evening and say my goodbyes in private. I tried not to view the funeral as anything to do with our relationship and his passing - it was for appearances.

Octonaut4Life · 08/03/2024 08:45

The way we do funerals in this country is awful. So much waiting. The way it works in the country where my family is from is much better - just a few days usually. I'm sorry for your loss and you're right, it's an awful system.

TheSparkofCreation · 08/03/2024 08:50

Can you get at fit note from your GP by phone signing you off and does your surgery have a link worker community prescriber to help you with bereavement support?

OP doesn't need a sick note, she needs a new job.

OP - use this time to think about positive changes you want to make in your life including ones where you dont have to deal with arseholes.

Look out for signs of spring emerging over the next fortnight and make some plans.

Honour your grandmother in your heart just as her other granddaughter wants to honour her with a floral tribute.

TheSparkofCreation · 08/03/2024 08:51

The way we do funerals in this country is awful.

Agreed. I want a direct cremation.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 08/03/2024 08:52

The waiting is awful, the expectation to get on with things as normal in between is so difficult.

Wrt the flower arrangements, don't get involved, if she wants to get flowers let her get flowers,it doesn't matter and not worth the arguments.

Grumpynan · 08/03/2024 08:54

We had a 9 week wait with my mum, but that was more my dad, every date offered he found a reason to say no, silly excuses like that’s to close to grandson’s birthday or he wanted an afternoon funerals not morning. In hindsight he just didn’t want to let her go.

as for flowers, don’t get stressed over it, let people order what they like, it’s the last thing they will buy for that person it needs to be personal. I ordered a simple spray of daisy tied with a blue ribbon bow from my son, he was 18 months old and he use to pick daisy’s with his nana, I overheard someone commenting about who had sent the “cheap “ bunch 🥹

Soonenough · 08/03/2024 08:57

Friends in Ireland don't understand the UK system at all. There the deceased are waked at home or funeral home straight after death , funeral service day after. Much better I think . They found it odd that people are expected to continue work, school , grocery shopping while a loved one has just died or is in a mortuary for such a long time. The ceremony is a time honoured ritual with few variations so no order of service needed , funeral directors provide suggestions of readings and hymns . Priority is given by priests , etc and many people are allowed the hour or two off to attend.

Rickrolypoly · 08/03/2024 08:57

Why is the wait so long- is it like that in all of the UK or just England? I just couldn't bear that - it must be very hard.
In Ireland you're buried within 3-4 days unless they need to wait for an important family member to travel or something like that.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 08/03/2024 09:00

Rickrolypoly · 08/03/2024 08:57

Why is the wait so long- is it like that in all of the UK or just England? I just couldn't bear that - it must be very hard.
In Ireland you're buried within 3-4 days unless they need to wait for an important family member to travel or something like that.

5 weeks for my granddad's funeral,it was a year when there were loads of extra bank holidays and it delayed everything,it was awful.

WhatNoRaisins · 08/03/2024 09:02

The waits are awful, especially when there is conflict amongst the family. No advice but you have my sympathy.

Surprisedbuthappy · 08/03/2024 09:03

Just wanted to say that I empathise - the time between death and the funeral is horrible and the longer it goes on the harder it is. Hugs for you.
Try not to get too stressed about what flowers people want to buy though - that's quite a personal thing and it wouldn't be fair to deny them their own way of saying goodbye.

user1469908676728 · 08/03/2024 09:04

I think its fairly recent it being such a long wait, my grandparents died in the 1980’s and my parents in the 1990’s and it was a weeks wait, 10 days for one of them as they died on Christmas Eve. All cremations but I think church burials would have/could have been quicker.

I agree it’s far too long to wait. Sorry for your loss OP.

LadyNijo · 08/03/2024 09:08

Octonaut4Life · 08/03/2024 08:45

The way we do funerals in this country is awful. So much waiting. The way it works in the country where my family is from is much better - just a few days usually. I'm sorry for your loss and you're right, it's an awful system.

Yes, I’m Irish and funerals happen immediately. I always thought the wait between death and funeral for many in the UK must be psychologically difficult, but have also had English friends say they would find the Irish way too rushed.

Im sorry for your loss, OP. Stay out of funeral conflicts which are really nothing to do with the person who has died. Be kind to yourself.

Surprisedbuthappy · 08/03/2024 09:13

user1469908676728 · 08/03/2024 09:04

I think its fairly recent it being such a long wait, my grandparents died in the 1980’s and my parents in the 1990’s and it was a weeks wait, 10 days for one of them as they died on Christmas Eve. All cremations but I think church burials would have/could have been quicker.

I agree it’s far too long to wait. Sorry for your loss OP.

The 'norm' definitely seems to have got longer since the 90s but since the pandemic it seems to have got absolutely ridiculous. My dad passed away in 2022 and we had a slightly longer than 3-week wait. I don't know if it's true in all areas, but we were told at the time that it was like that since the pandemic.

WhatNoRaisins · 08/03/2024 09:18

I can see why the norm would get a bit longer than 3-4 days with the dispersal of the extended family but not to the point of it being a month or more. I think there aren't enough funeral homes to manage funerals in reasonable timespans.

parietal · 08/03/2024 09:21

Sorry for your loss.

A wait of a week or so gives people time to travel to funeral and gives those speaking at the service time to plan what to say etc.

But it can be too long and it is always a difficult time.

Woman2023 · 08/03/2024 09:26

I find longer than 2 weeks difficult. Can you speak to a manager and ask for a less customer facing role for the interim? Taking deep breaths really helps with calming yourself.

Agree that just let everyone else do their thing for the funeral, no point falling out about it.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

El13 · 08/03/2024 09:28

I completely understand how you feel. It is so hard. My mum died unexpectedly at 45 on the 31st of jan this year, the funeral isn’t until the 14th of March. I am a new mum myself.
my best advice I could give is to just try go with the flow of your emotions, speak to work explain how you’re feeling.
there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. Do what works for you.
try not to let any family disagreements effect you, there is enough going on.
I wanted ‘mum’ flowers and my nana wanted ‘daughter’ so we have agreed on both.
sending love x

BrownSauceOnBeans · 08/03/2024 09:31

Jews and Muslims can be buried more quickly due to the religious requirements and I would much prefer that

Psychoticbreak · 08/03/2024 09:38

I am so sorry for your loss and mostly because the UK system is so damaging mentally to anyone grieving. I am Irish and we never understand the wait at all.

Wishimaywishimight · 08/03/2024 09:42

OP, I am so sorry for your loss. It is completely understandable that you are finding this period incredibly painful.

Like other posters, I am Irish and I think I would find your way of dealing with funerals much more difficult. When my dad died I could not possibly have returned to work before his funeral, I just wasn't functioning fully at all and after the funeral I was signed off work for a few weeks.

Could you get a note from your GP until after the funeral perhaps?

AriannasGuitarCase · 08/03/2024 09:48

@Soonenough It's not the UK system, it's the English or British system... in NI the average wait for a funeral is 3-4 days

I'm sorry for your loss OP, I would also find that length of wait very difficult

HoppingPavlova · 08/03/2024 09:48

Why is the wait so long- is it like that in all of the UK or just England? I just couldn't bear that - it must be very hard. In Ireland you're buried within 3-4 days unless they need to wait for an important family member to travel or something like that

It’s the same in Australia so I also struggle to understand. I get why we had to do it quickly historically as we are a hot country, but now obviously we have funeral homes/hospitals with refrigeration facilities, yet we still do it in the same time we always have. To me, it’s sensible, as it gets that phase of grief out of the way and we can move to the next.