Gap between death and funeral is affecting me

[Auburngal]

My Nanan died over a fortnight ago and the funeral is just under a fortnight away.

i know this is the norm for funerals. I’m not feeling myself and it’s affecting my anxiety. So much so I got irritated by a awkward customer at work. Then walked away

In my other relatives the gap between death and funeral was 10-12 days. That’s manageable.

People told me that they relax the middle two weeks and then start to grieve all over again a few days before.

I’m scared of going to work over the next days. We are short staffed at the moment - the norm for all retailers and we get it in the neck from customers. They just moan at us and not contact head office. They might as well moan at a wall.

Also not looking forward to the funeral itself (who doesn’t) as conflict between DF and DA. Her granddaughter wants these tacky NAN flower arrangements and rest request no flowers which is in the interest for Nanan.

Any tips how to cope with this?

I'm very sorry for your loss, OP. I had a wait of over three weeks for my Mum's funeral about 18 months ago, and I agree that it was a very very difficult period, and I felt in complete limbo. I think the gap between someone dying and the funeral has got much longer in recent years. My Dad died in 1989 on a Monday, and his funeral was on the Thursday of the same week. I'm not sure if it was normally possible to make arrangements that quickly back then, but the funeral director told me they had had a cancellation. I've always wondered how that could happen!

Friends in Ireland don't understand the UK system at all. There the deceased are waked at home or funeral home straight after death , funeral service day after.

I've been to too many funerals in Ireland, and there are two big differences.
Most people are buried and there are usually plenty of vacant spaces in the local churchyard, especially in rural areas.
In England, burial plots are not so common and cremations are far more prevalent, the wait is usually for a time-slot at the crematorium.

In England & Wales 88% of funerals are cremations, its around 19% in Ireland.

Then surely there’s a need for more crematoria? (Though I imagine getting the necessary planning permission for them would be complex. Who owns crematoria? Is that even the plural of crematorium? It looks weird. I mean, are they privately-opened, or civic type amenities?)

I think in Ireland, because we still bury, city and county councils buy new land for graveyards — it’s not that existing old cemeteries have lots of space, it’s that councils are buying land for new purpose-built ones (not in the grounds of a church, often on the edges of urban areas) because there is a need, just as there’s a need for cycle lanes, public transport, recycling centres etc.

I’m sorry for your loss. The waiting is awful I know. I didn’t go back to work in between my mother dying and her funeral. Similar time frames to you.

When my dad died 45 years ago on a Wednesday the funeral was on the Saturday. Church service in our home city and burial in mum’s home village as he had requested. I am still amazed that everything was arranged so quickly, especially as it was the period between Christmas and new year. But mum had a huge amount of help from her church. This was in the UK.

Yes, I definitely think it's the wait for a slot at the crematorium that has got longer. I help look after our village graveyard (local church doesn't have a verger any more) and when there's a burial with a church service they're organised pretty quickly. Not as quickly as in Ireland but still pretty quick. It's also the same if it's a "direct" cremation where there's no service at the same time. But if there's any sort of service at the local crem. the wait for a slot can be quite a few weeks. And sadly the wait is longest in the winter months.

I'm sorry you're struggling OP. And sorry that it's made worse by work. I don't really have any tips I'm afraid, just a virtual handhold. But I do recommend you step back from any fights over arrangements, flowers and the like if you can. I've seen that stuff lead to long term resentment/feuds in families. There's no "right" way to grieve and if others want to waste energy arguing, let them 💐

I totally get you OP.
My gran died this year and we had to wait 5 weeks for a funeral. There is no easy fix. And I will tell you, grief really began after the funeral - there was nothing else to organise, everyone had gone home, resentment started as everyone seemed to be moving on from her. So just prepare yourself for that. There is no quick fix. Just be kind to yourself. Eat healthy food (junk will make you feel worse), try to rest, get some exercise, and talk about how you are feeling. Biological family may not be your support network and that is ok. All the best. PM if you need to.

@LadyNijo,
most crematorium are owned and run by the local council.
I doubt the idea that councils in England and Wales started buying land for graveyards would go down well, unless they could cover all the costs with interment and maintenance charges.

So sorry, therapy, support from family and friends, engagement with relaxing activities or things you enjoy.

For the record I don’t think this is normal at all.

Regards funerals I’ve gone to, even over covid, the time frame has always been:-
jewish - 24hrs
catholic - 3 days
protestant - 4-7 days

A month is terrible for you. So sorry for your loss.

Would it be necessary to prove the deceased followed Islam or Judaism? Would seem an easy way to speed up the process.
Or tell the funeral director "The deceased person was a pastafarian and sadly requires disposal within 24hrs, capeesh?"

The day after my Nanan died, a colleague lost her mum. Despite two cremmies opening in the past 6 years- the waiting is bad. Her mum’s funeral is the day after my Nanan’s. The funeral I’m attending is 60 miles away.

Surely Muslim and Jewish funerals are conducted by their own Funeral Directors?

Isn't the reason why English funerals are so delayed in comparison to Irish or Australian simply because we have a much bigger population?

2023 Ireland 5 million
Australia 26.5 million
England 56.5 million

Obviously we have more funeral directors, but perhaps not in proportion to the population?

Thanks, @Ifailed. Yes, I imagine that’s a key cultural difference, burial not being viewed as an essential service. But here plots are expensive to buy, so I assume they go some way to covering costs — I just checked my local council’s charges for council-run cemeteries and they are c.€2000 euro per plot.

In England & Wales 88% of funerals are cremations, its around 19% in Ireland.

Interesting stat.

I think in Dublin it’s something like 70% of the deceased are now cremated. But there aren’t that many crematoriums outside of Dublin, so burial is still very much the norm in the rest of the country.

The time between a death and a funeral is very difficult. I’m sorry you have such a long wait. I would perhaps take a few days off work if you can. I would handle the disagreements about the flowers etc by keeping well out of it and not commenting at all. Live and let live and let everyone remember your Nan as they wish. I’m sure she would rather have harmony in the family than be concerned whether there are flowers or not and what they look like. It’s a difficult time, take things as quietly as you can.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. A month between death and funeral sounds unbearably long to me.

I think it’s a bit chicken and egg, though. There’s not (yet) enough demand for more crematoria around the country, because I think we’re still pretty attuned to burial as a cultural practice, and to family graves as a locus. My mother is a great tender of family graves in several different cemeteries, city and country.

So sorry for your loss 💐

I’ve told my family to wait until a fortnight after I die to make sure I am dead.

Yes, that’s true. And there will be lots of people who still have family plots with plenty of space, so burial will be the preference for many. But lots of graveyards now offer cremation plots, so people can opt for cremation and still get to have a grave that they can visit. I know Deansgrange cemetery is really expensive for a full burial plot (something like 20K) so as graveyards fill up, I think cremation will just become more appealing to people.

I'm currently awaiting my dad's funeral. I don't know if you are arranging your nans funeral but I am pleased we have the 4 weeks to arrange everything as this, along with work and grief, is hard.

I found it was a relief after dh's funeral. A quick funeral wouldn't have worked for us as dh's family had to apply for visas to come here so they'd have missed a quick one

I know exactly what you mean, I also was freaked out by the undertakers element of this. Mum passed away during a heatwave so we were advised the full embalming process, Dad passed away in hospital and sepsis was on the list of causes so embalming wasn’t allowed. It’s so much to take in on this level as well as coping with other elements of grief.

I’d also say that one if the first points of closure I reached after Dad passed away definitely came after the funeral but not because of the funeral.

When my Dad died, he had to have a post mortem (because, although he was extremely unwell and died in hospital, they didn’t know exactly why). The problem was, he died three days after the Queen - so his post mortem had to be pushed back until after her funeral and then we couldn’t do the funeral until a month after he died.

One poor soul on here had had her mum’s funeral cancelled / postponed because it was on the day of the Queen’s funeral … and she’d already had quite a long wait for it.

It used to be more like that here, about a week if there was no PM

Totally a personal opinion but I love a big gap (6-8 weeks) between the death and the funeral. Last two relatives had been slight hoarders and we focused on using the time to clear the house, sort the paperwork, contact everyone etc. By the time the funeral came most of the legwork was done and it was like the funeral was a lovely send off and closure and we knew (pretty much) everything was done. Those both happened by accident (post-mortems etc) but I'll plan it purposely next time.