To feel so confused by DH behaviour

[HouseRen]

Every night I put DC (2 and 4) to bed. DH helps a bit but really just gives then kisses. He then goes downstairs and tidies up (20 mins) and then play video games. I can be upstairs for over an hour - 90 mins getting them to bed (2 x v hyper young kids)

I was exhausted today. I work FT and I was begging the 2 year old to go to bed

I was a bit frazzled and snapped at kids. I told DH that it felt unfair he was playing video games while im upstairs for so long and he said he does the tidy every night so its fair. So I said "cool, let's swap then" and he said fine but now is really off with me, not come to bed with me.

I don't understand. Often conversations feel normal but I've done something to cause him to seem annoyed.

Any advice? Should I just be firmer with kids? He's making me feel like a bad mum for not wanting to do bedtime every night.

You've had a bit of an argument. He may be back to playing his video games for a while.

Nah he's off with you because he doesn't want to do bedtime but he can't say it without looking like a massive dickhead! Stick to your guns and get him to do it tomorrow. Don't step in and help him or take over - just clean up then sit down and enjoy your relaxing time.

Ignore him (i.e. dont arhue with him anout it, not literally ignore him), do the swap, then have another conversation after that about it all as he may be more kindly disposed to your view after experiencing it himself.

He's a lazy disengaged fucker who does what he thinks is "just enough" that he can use it against you - "oh yeah wah, I tidy up Every Day, stop moaning" while you do what he considers the "mummy work"
Then when you raise the subject he tried to punish you and show his disapproval in the hope you will get back in your place and carry on.
He's being a twat, and he knows it, but won't admit it because then he might have to put down his game controller and actually help parent his children!

Yes, you probably should be firmer with your children's bedtime.

But he needs to be involved and do half the bedtimes.

Lol, of course he's off with you. He tried to pull one over on you, and you cleverly reversed it.
He knew full well he had the easier deal, and rather than being a decent husband and either a)stepping up to do half or b) (because he can't do it) acknowledge your awesome effort - he chose to gas light you in to pretending it's fair.
Enjoy doing whatever it is you want to do for an hour tomorrow.

It sounds unfair that you always do bedtime. Equally it sounds like you only asked to swap at a time when you were already stressed out, which is rarely the best time to have a conversation and you may have unintentionally been snappy/rude. Have a conversation with him in the morning and make it clear you need to take turns doing bedtime from now on.

He's doing the 'easy' part. Ofcourse he doesn't want to swap. On the other hand, 60-90mins is ludicrous, your kids are running circles around you. Firm expectations & consequences for poor behavior.

You are tired and stressed and have young kids, so you will be off with each other at times, but stick to your guns. But 90 min is a madly long time for bedtime. Would it be quicker if you took one child each and take turns? That's what DH and I have always done - I read a bedtime story to DC 1 while he reads to DC 2 one night, the next night we swop and I read to DC 2 and he reads to DC1. Means each DC gets one-on-one time with each parent, evenly split. Of course if one of us has to work late or is going out the other person does both.

Make sure you do the swop over - and let us know how that goes
As others say - he knows that’s the harder deal.

90 mins is max. That includes bath, books, trying to chill them out, they both are v clingy to me so lots of arguments about who i read to first. The 2 year old often cries in his cot and wakes the other one up. I'm trying my best.

20 mins doing a chilled solo clear up, followed by an hour of gaming versus a stressful 90 mins of toddler wrangling. He’s been lording it up, and now that cushty evening is under threat, of course he’s sulking!
Stay firm OP, you have no reason to feel guilty for not wanting to do the bedtime routine every night! Take it in turns, one week he does it, next week you and so on. Fairs fair!

He’s pulling a jib because he’s backed himself into a corner by making out tidying is just as much effort, and when you’ve called his bluff he couldn’t then refuse to put the kids to bed without losing face. Basically, he’s hoist with his own petard, and he doesn’t like it.

He wouldn't be sulking if he genuinely believed the current division of labour was fair. He knows it's not and now he's being moody about the additional work he's going to have to do and you, for some reason, feel worried about upsetting his lazy, piss taking arse.

I'd have a good chuckle about him backing himself into a corner.

Make sure you've got a book and glass of wine to enjoy after your first 20 minute clean up shift. 😀

Simples: He is grumpy because he knows it would be pathetic and shitty ti say what he thinks out loud- nooo I only want to do 20 mins work without paying attention to anyone; talking to and cuddling and getting our kids teeth done and saying bedtime ISNT FUN FOR ME BECAUSE ITS TOO MUCH HARD WORK AND THATS NOT FAIR ON ME YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO ALL THAT STUFF WHILE I PLAY MY VIDEO GAAAAAMEES WAAAAH. Then he wants to stomp his foot and throw something, but he knows that’s pathetic too, so he’s pissed off at you.

Do your children have separate bedrooms? If so, couldn't one of you settle one and one the other? And then switch it each night? My youngest also takes ages to settle. If it goes on a ridiculously long time, I text (I know he's only downstairs, but better than shouting) DH and he finishes off. Somehow, he's in and out within 10 mins - he's definitely stricter than me though.
It's definitely frustrating - DH gets through whole series on TV in the time it takes me to settle. But it's sometimes the only decent time I get to spend with youngest after a long day at work mid-week.

DH needs to do half the bedtimes.

He is off with you because you have dared to speak up so he can’t live in his airy fairy world where you the mum love doing bedtimes whilst he plays video games.

💯

I'd suggest moving forward you do it week about - one does bedtime and the other tidies, then swap the next week. That's really the only fair way to do it and he'll get used to bedtime for if you're sick etc

I think it’s both - he should do his share of bedtimes and you both need to be firmer with your children - 90 mins to put 2 kids to bed is too long and would exhaust anyone!

This. Exactly this.

stick to your new arrangement a while and let him see how much he’s ok with doing “your job” while you run a cloth around the kitchen 🙄
common guy stuff of his life changing minimally after marriage and kids.

What's to be confused about? He's been called out on his behaviour and he's going to have to start pulling his weight so he's got the hump!

Not sure why he wasn't taking turns with bedtime before!

Switch off every other night, you'll see whether you feel a more equal parent.

DP and I take turns putting DS to bed while the other tidies. We both much prefer doing the tidying while listening to a podcast! Definitely time for you two to take it in turns. Don't let him just do it once.

Let us know how he gets on with bedtime @HouseRen

Chaos is my prediction.