To feel so confused by DH behaviour

[HouseRen]

Every night I put DC (2 and 4) to bed. DH helps a bit but really just gives then kisses. He then goes downstairs and tidies up (20 mins) and then play video games. I can be upstairs for over an hour - 90 mins getting them to bed (2 x v hyper young kids)

I was exhausted today. I work FT and I was begging the 2 year old to go to bed

I was a bit frazzled and snapped at kids. I told DH that it felt unfair he was playing video games while im upstairs for so long and he said he does the tidy every night so its fair. So I said "cool, let's swap then" and he said fine but now is really off with me, not come to bed with me.

I don't understand. Often conversations feel normal but I've done something to cause him to seem annoyed.

Any advice? Should I just be firmer with kids? He's making me feel like a bad mum for not wanting to do bedtime every night.

We separate bath and bed when it's a bath night, that would split your 90 mins routine to be fairer and less overwhelming? Parent A does bath/change for bed while B clears up kitchen, then B does bedtime while A has free time, can do hobby/meet friends etc. You can alternate nights of being A/B or have set days of the week then you can commit to hobbies/social events knowing you're free on those nights from whenever bedtime is, or agree to swap when needed. Seems rigid but it's less stress than constant negotiation/resentment and no-one feeling they can go out.

He should have been pulling his weight from the start tbh.
OP you need to firmer with the kids and the DH. You count too, what do YOU want from your evening?

agree w/ @RunningAwayToJoinTheCircus

He is lazy and opting out
Now is a great time to introduce alternate nights PERMANENTLY.

Don’t back down today, tonight is his turn, and if he only does a half arsed job, let it slide, say nothing.

Take a kid each, both read them a different story in their own rooms in their own beds. Swap kid every night. Fair but firm - "no, this is what we're doing. Mummy will read to you tomorrow night".

Both kids in bed and asleep within half an hour, both tidy up for 10 mins. One takes kitchen, one takes living room.

Both get to chill for an hour.

We share the routine, so I’ll give her a shower then DH does the toothbrush while I tidy something up then I dry her hair and he goes to do something, then he reads some stories and I go do something and then I get her in her PJ’s and so on. We are both popping in and out doing bits and bobs. That way no-one is left doing it all, Dd doesn’t feel rushed into bed and tidying gets done.

From your response op - which only commented on the negative comments directed at you about the length of time and ignored all the posts telling you your dh is in the wrong - I rather suspect you are like so many of us now divorced middle aged mothers were in the past.

Deeply insecure and wanting to be liked by everyone, to the extent that you'd rather do all the work than risk upsetting your dh, who you have on a pedestal.

The problem with this approach, is that whilst it means you hold on to him now, every day his contempt and lack of respect for you grows, and every day your resentment for him grows. Until one day you wake up, your levels of oestrogen have dropped, and you wonder why the fuck you put up with such bullshit for so long.

It is actually better for your long term relationship, to put a stop to this inequality which you are both very well aware of.

He needs to do every second night or you do one DC each, swapping each night. Splitting them might help you get bedtime to a reasonable length of time. Your DC will ask for you a lot until they get used to it (and sometimes after that too), but persist. This is not a fair division and he knows that which is why he's being grumpy.

Funny how he doesn’t feel a bad dad for not wanting to go half’s on sharing doing the bedtimes. I wouldn’t feel bad as a mum, not sure why you do, you’re both the parents.

He tried to make it sound like the split was fair when it wasn’t as he doesn’t like that you have swapped, because he knows it wasn’t fair, but he was happy for you to do the grunt work though.

He's sulking because he knows he's been taking the piss out of you and now his ego can't let him back down and apologise. We all know a 20 minute tidy up is not equal to 90 minutes trying to put two toddlers to bed.

You both need to do a toddler each, alternate each night. Then a 10 minute tidy up. See how it's fair because you're both doing the same amount of work?

He’s a lazy shit. Does he work full time?

You either both do bath and bedtime together and then tidying up together, or maybe suggest alternating days. So you do bath and bed one night and he does the following night etc.
Well done for pulling him up on it though!

He’s actually missing out. As the children get older, bedtimes will get easier (assuming they’re not on ipads). Quality time reading a story makes for fond memories for both parents and children. One day they won’t want or need this. If things carry on like this, your children will just have a view that bedtimes are stressful and that their dad would rather play on video games than spend time with them.

You're going to back down aren't you because his reaction, which I'm thinking is tried and tested has made you feel anxious?

he said he does the tidy every night so its fair. So I said "cool, let's swap then" and he said fine but now is really off with me, not come to bed with me.

So he clearly knows it's not fair despite initially gaslighting you into saying "it's fair".

Alternate the bedtime, that's what I do with my partner. And it's fair.

He acts like a baby, having a "huff" instead to discuss it like an adult.

Why can’t you just take it in turns?

Yep, he is being passive aggressive. As others have pointed out he will look absolutely stupid if he is directly aggressive because his wish to do none of the parenting hard work is a cop out, so instead he will use passive aggressive strategies to punish you for not doing what he wants. Do. Not. Give. In. If you reward his passive aggressive behavior by giving in he will learn it works and do it more. Sit down and have your turn of relaxing and act like you don't even notice his sulk. In this instance - his feelings are his problem.

Also if just one of you is doing bedtime could you read to both together, taking turns on which kid's room it is, then leave them to settle on their own?

deffo go with the swap but depending on age and ability to understand, I tell the 12 & 9 year old (no bedtime or boundaries at their mothers) they can piss about for as long as they like but I’ve said bed so however long you prat about for you will go to bed that much earlier tomorrow. They go up and sleep now. It only took for them to go bed 40 mins earlier for them to get the message what I say goes!

Yanbu. Sounds like the bedtime routine needs to be better but that’s for another thread. We always did bedtime together when children were young. I would suggest you and your H do this - one child each to supervise pjs, teeth, story and settle down. Then both tidy up when you go downstairs. Both jobs should take less time when you’re doing them together and no-one will feel they’re doing an unfair share.

One does bath/teeth while the other tidies up, then each take one kid each to dry hair, read a story and put to bed! Job done!

My kids got the same book. At the same time. They bathed together too. The difference was younger was put in her bed/cot first then took my son to his room. But it was hop in bed nighty night lights out!
Swap three nights with your husband.

Totally agree he's sulking because he's realised he'll now have to pull his weight a bit more. Let him be. Still hold him to him doing bed time tonight though.

2 tips
I found bath time was a real stimulant for DD, would wake her up, so we swapped evening bath time for morning bath. Made bed time so much easier. Not always possible I know, but worth thinking about.

And I'm serious about this - get out of the house tonight when he's putting the kids to bed. If yours are clingy, they'll want their Mum and he'll be on to this in a flash. And then he'll have even more reason in his own mind not to do bed time. Go for a walk, pop to the shop for milk, call around to a neighbour, leaving your phone at home / turned off. You may have to do this each evening, for a while, he's in charge of bed time. You're changing the kids routine as well and they need to adapt too.

Do not feel guilty - either for him now sulking - pp was right he's only sulking as he knows he's had it cushy up to now. And don't feel guilty if the kids cry a bit and he tries to use this as an excuse for you always being in charge of bedtime. He is their parent as much as you and should be building a good solid relationship with them.

We alternate nights doing bedtime. The other does tidying downstairs and gets free time to play games/watch TV/practice Duolingo/whatever. Of course he likes the current set-up, it's a cushy number for him. He knows it's unfair and doesn't want to give it up.

You should take it in turns every night to share the load.