Mental health crisis in 7 year old

[kcchiefette]

I have a 7 year old son and I am getting really, really worried.

He has ASD and I am pushing for an ADHD diagnosis as he is very impulsive, mood swings and no attention span. They are delaying and restarting the process again because he passed the qb test.

He is very well loved. I make sure I tell him I love him, that he's handsome, that I am proud of him. He still has such low self esteem.

If he gets told off for doing something, you hate him. He tells me daily that "everyone hates me". He calls himself ugly.

The last week or so, he has brought up "killing himself" twice. He got told off for being bold, and he said "well I will just kill myself then". I stopped him there and then and told him how serious saying that was.

He had a meltdown today at school due to a tiff with some classmates and screamed in the canteen with other kids and all the staff that he was going to kill himself with a knife.

He went into principals office and said everyone hates him,he's ugly, his daddy and him fell out and proceeded to tell her about him punching his car and slamming doors etc.

Me and his dad are separated so I dont know what goes on 100% of the time, but I know his dad has a temper and I would believe it.

Where do I go from here? He is on a waiting list for CAHMS, ADHD may not be diagnosed and in my opinion, he really needs medication.

I spend my days constantly telling him how much I love him, cuddle him etc but he has constant anxiety that we all hate him. We need to constantly smile at him also or we "hate" him.

I dont want social services involved but I fear after the incidents at school, that they will get them involved.

I think I'd try the tactic of ignoring what he says. He gets attention when he says things like that.

So if he says it again I'd say something to distract him like "shall we do a jigsaw/cartoon/craft" etc etc and see how that goes.

Please don’t ignore your child. My son has diagnosed autism and adhd. He started talking about killing himself around 9 yrs old. I went private and got a psychiatrist to prescribe anti anxiety meds. He is a lot less anxious and nearly 13 now.

He's trying to communicate to you how distressed he is feeling. Do not ignore it, but don't panic either. I would suggest empathising eg "I can hear how bad you are feeling".

There is some useful stuff in "the book you wish your parents had read" about children need you to hold a space for their emotions without being overwhelmed by them yourself. I'm probably not wording that quite right, but the idea is to listen, empathise, reflect back etc but being sure not to let them see that you are feeling scared or panicked. They need to know you won't be overwhelmed by their difficult feelings.

Ignoring them wont make the behaviour go away, it'll make the child feel neglected and ignored. Especially if they have ASD. If this child wants attention and is willing to cause trouble for it then thats a problem that needs to actually be dealt with.

She should talk to her son and work out why he feels that way. Try get to the root of the problem.

Its possible hes feeling like he wants more reassurance.

In practical terms I would try and make sure he is getting exercise, sleep and staying in routine, as these will all help his mental health. Likewise any kind of mindful activity that he enjoys. Also try and develop his awareness of how his feelings change - as presumably he is happy lots of the time and only sometimes has these very negative feelings? Developing his awareness that feelings come and go will help him.

As a mother of a neurodiverse child, please don't ignore. Asd / ADHD is a dangerous combination and he is very young to say things like this. It's probably the only way he can communicate how hard things are for him. Please call your GP tomorrow and push for urgent CAMHS assessment. Please mention all the self harm threats he said to you. Bear in mind that medication can take months to get right. Don't delay

He keeps making comments to me about his brain

"My brain is making me say it"

"My brain is controlling me, I cant help it"

"I cant get it out of my brain"

He obviously means head, and I can tell he is distressed by it and its hard to try and calm him down when you dont fully understand what he means.

Is GP the best first point of contact for this?

One of the biggest challenges I've found about raising two ND kids (one autistic one ADHD) is keeping their self-esteem from hitting rock bottom. It sounds like your little guy may have rejection sensitive dysphoria. This will cause him to feel things, like being left out, more strongly, and is possibly why he's anxious for you to not "hate" him - he needs lots of affirmation. I can't type a lot right now but do try to help him learn how his brain is different, and how those differences can be good. One of the best things I did with my son was teach him about the social vs medical model of disability and that he won't necessarily thrive in a NT-focused society but put him in certain situations and his brain wiring lets him shine. But put him in the wrong situation and things just become so hard for him.

I think a good GP could potentially make a call and speed things up for you. They need to understand it's serious

My ASD daughter was saying similar things age around 8-9. It was more 'i wish I was dead' rather than kill myself. It was usually when she was completely overwhelmed and I feel underneath it she was saying she wanted to escape the situation but there was no escape rather than an actual wish to harm herself. But then we do things we regret when we're feeling overwhelmed so still took it seriously.

She's been doing play therapy on and off since around then. She enjoys it but it's a bit of a mystery whether it helps much. But she's always peaceful and sleeps better after. Went private then got it included in her EHCP so it's through school now.

We went through cahms and she did a ASD friendly mental health course looking at emotions and resilience with me. Not sure it helped much but it was insightful for me.

It's tough for her as she also has severe dyslexia so she struggles with all aspects of school, academic and social and she finds it hard to see anything positive about herself.

Definitely sounds like ADHD

my nephew started these exact behaviours at 4 years old. It was my family’s first experience of mental health issues to be honest and to hear a 4 year old say they want to kill themselves is really shocking!

He’s 12 now and still says this once a week at least! But with the ADHD diagnosis there is support mechanisms in place

This is learnt and copied behaviour.

Absolutely not

my 4 year old nephew never heard a single person say this! No one in our family has ever suffered with mental health.

You can use this to help him.

Say things like: You are very aware of your brain. That's very clever of you to be so aware of it. You notice when your brain says things that make you feel sad, don't you? Did you know people who are good at noticing what their brain says are very good at learning how to chat with their brain? It takes practise but you will be good at it because you're already aware of what it says.

So if it says 'Everyone hates me' have a gentle chat with it and say - 'That's not true. My mum doesn't - she loves me loads and tells me so and gives me cuddles.'

Or you could tell your brain, 'That's a mean, sad thought and I want to think a thought that makes me feel happy and strong. I'm going to remember all the nice things about today - I cuddled a dog, my sausages tasted nice, that cartoon was funny, my teacher liked my drawing, I played football at school' etc etc.

I had to do a lot of this train you brain stuff with ASD/ADHD DS who also had really rock bottom self esteem, despite being loved. It takes time to work, but it does eventually sink in.

Of course they have heard someone say it. The entire concept is totally alien to children - they simply don't EVER come up with that out of their own heads - it is ALWAYS learnt and copied behaviour

Something that helped me with my kids (both of whom have ADHD diagnoses) is process praise and validation. So noticing and appreciating their efforts and things they do regardless of the outcome. It sounds as you are holding so much anxiety about your son. But at age 7, my hunch is that he wants affirmation for what he can do and learn in the world. I wonder if it would "take" better than affirmation of his value in himself and as your son

Hi OP. I have an autistic child who said this as mainstream school became increasingly impossible. He's now in special and those statements have stopped and he's generally much happier. Basically, I agree with those posters who are saying that this is a massive tell about crisis somewhere in his life. You said he had a meltdown at school - getting to meltdown is so devastating. He is old enough to notice his difference and if he doesn't know/understand his autism and ADHD he may be plaguing himself trying to work out why he can't manage what everyone else does. Don't underestimate how terrible he may think he is.

The other thing that jumps out is how he might be with his father.

I'll say what everyone else says on these threads - has he got an EHCP?

Fix the big shit thing that is going on for him once you've worked out what that is and equip him with a positive sense of his difference. Spectrum gaming website might be a good resource for introducing him to his autism.

So much solidarity. It's like taking a heavy stone of sorrow and fear around, having a child so unhappy.

I swear this is a "stage" for neurodiverse kids around 7-8, so many kids seem to go through it.

I'm almost out the back of it now I think, lots of reassurance and confidence building has worked, "Overheard praise" is good too. Building time into our day to celebrate the things that they're good at helps.

I've spent a lot of time teaching mine about ADHD, and endorphins/dopamine/happiness, how it peaks and troughs during the day.

I think part of it is that they're out of the "cute" stage and into the "problem" age, a lot of the massaging they're getting about ADHD isn't positive. It's got to erode their self esteem a lot.

It absolutely is not.

I'm sorry but it most categorically is. There is no debate about that, in this sort of behaviour in a child. It is ALWAYS learnt and copied. Absolutely always.

Hi. My boy is 9 now and just started to settle down again, but 7-8 was horrendous. Keep a close eye. My son said about killing himself and elaborated on how, tried to grab knives etc. We moved him school and he has changed hugely. He was very dysregulated from a school who didn't understand him and their criticism of him - for things he can't help- made him feel a failure. He felt the staff were against him. This spilled over into home as any slight perceived criticism got the same comments you have had.
I don't have much useful to add that helped us really. It was just time. Camhs were a bag of shit. He had play therapy which did help him become more confident in himself.

No it isn't. I have direct experience of it.

How do people get the play therapy?
And what does play therapy consist of when you're an older child? (Like 10/11)

If anyone has any good advice I'd love to hear it. DC aged nearly 18. Autism diagnosis age 6, ADHD diagnosis a bit later. I have been going to CAMHS for 11 and a half years!!! We are being moved to adult mental health services but I'm not sure anything will change. Sorry to hijack your post OP but there is a lot of knowledgeable people around

@Tr1skel1on what help has your child had through CAMHS? Hope you don't mind me asking