Mental health crisis in 7 year old

[kcchiefette]

I have a 7 year old son and I am getting really, really worried.

He has ASD and I am pushing for an ADHD diagnosis as he is very impulsive, mood swings and no attention span. They are delaying and restarting the process again because he passed the qb test.

He is very well loved. I make sure I tell him I love him, that he's handsome, that I am proud of him. He still has such low self esteem.

If he gets told off for doing something, you hate him. He tells me daily that "everyone hates me". He calls himself ugly.

The last week or so, he has brought up "killing himself" twice. He got told off for being bold, and he said "well I will just kill myself then". I stopped him there and then and told him how serious saying that was.

He had a meltdown today at school due to a tiff with some classmates and screamed in the canteen with other kids and all the staff that he was going to kill himself with a knife.

He went into principals office and said everyone hates him,he's ugly, his daddy and him fell out and proceeded to tell her about him punching his car and slamming doors etc.

Me and his dad are separated so I dont know what goes on 100% of the time, but I know his dad has a temper and I would believe it.

Where do I go from here? He is on a waiting list for CAHMS, ADHD may not be diagnosed and in my opinion, he really needs medication.

I spend my days constantly telling him how much I love him, cuddle him etc but he has constant anxiety that we all hate him. We need to constantly smile at him also or we "hate" him.

I dont want social services involved but I fear after the incidents at school, that they will get them involved.

Where do I start? It's been 11.5 years of therapy (useless) large quantities of antipsychotic drugs (Risperdone is excellent) started age 9 and unfortunately had to discontinue due to side effects. Standard antidepressants made everything so much worse. Now sadly relying on large doses of Aripiprazole and Concerta

Your comment reveals that you don't have enough experience with these children to give guidance. That is not how autistic traits, ADHD or mental illnesses develop.

Speak to Young Minds which are a wonderful charity that can help you as much as possible. They have a support line and can help you.
meant your child is saying to you is a reflect of how they feel and perception of the world so you are right to be concerned.

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/

please try them. They helped so much when my 5 year old had PTS where as my gp dismissed me and waved me off! Will never forgive her and to this day never see her.

Where on earth has he learnt about suicide at such a young age? :(

@Achillo That is simply not true. Autistic children routinely mimic and copy behaviours. It's one of the main traits of Autism

Take your kid out of school and see if his mood improves. He’s clearly not feeling safe or supported there. My kid was continuously harassed at school from all directions despite the school assuring me things were fine. She is still healing as a teen

Expressing emotional distress doesnt mean youre copying someone else. Thats a silly statement. I was a neurodiverse child, and i have experience with my own aswell.

This seems to be a common reaction to way too much stress.
You may not be able to lower the demands on him sufficiently to turn it around whilst still attending full-time mainstream school - if he doesn't have an EHCP you need to do a parental application for one asap to get the ball rolling, and also it would be worth reading up on Home Education just in case (although your domestic situation may not support it).

It's where I started. if this has escalated after the referral for CAHMS was put in see if you can get that updated as it sounds like he needs help more urgently now. If you can afford it Id see someone privately though make sure if you do that they specialise in helping young children.

My autistic DD has been through similar mental health issues since she was quite young too. The start of the bad stuff, dates from around 7. Her Dad, my XH is an angry man too, which doesn't help. She's doing a lot better now. It still seems surreal at times that I had a suicidal self harming 9 year old. Nothing can prepare you for that. I've been dealing with it on my own for years. DDs Dad just make's things worse.

There was quite a wait, but she started therapy about 2 years ago. She started having a suicidal ideation in late 2022, GP prescribed a low dose antidepressant. Things escalated again in early 2023 with panic attacks and self harm and more suicidal ideation. So her antidepressant dose was increased. It took a few months but we began to see improvement and she is doing a lot better now. I believe in England it's usually CAHMS who prescribe medication or a child psychiatrist. If you can see one privately it might be worth getting on waiting lists now in case things get worse.

I also got DD started doing team sports which she really didn't want to do at first. I think that's played a significant role in her recovery too, as has her Dad finally moving out. There's been focus on downtime and rest too. Ive spent a long time putting in place all the things that can strengthen mental health. DD is not my only ND kid, the other's have very different experiences. I think partly as the elsest she's had the most exposure to her Dad's abusive behaviour. I don't think it's a stage for ND kids, some have these experiences and others dont. My DD also has a diagnosis of GAD and Social Anxiety, along with panic attacks which her brother's dont have. In wouldn't be surprised if she has some PTSD from because of her Dad and because I didn't leave soon enough.

Poor you and your poor son. That must be so hard for both of you. Can you gently ask him at an appropriate time whether anyone else has ever told him that he’s ugly or that you hate him? I had a couple of people say such things in my childhood (‘if you don’t do x your mother won’t love you anymore’) and she had no idea. 20+ years later it still makes me insecure.

Watching with interest for advice as I have an 11 year old with likely ASD and ADHD who struggles massively at school, and has extremely low confidence and seems extremely sensitive to any perceived criticism or rejection.

He will recite/replay instances from months ago.

He will sometimes say “I wish I wasn’t born” “teacher/friend/parent hates me/wants to kill me” “I feel like I should live on another planet/galaxy/solar system “ “everyone in my class hates me/thinks I’m stupid” “I want to kill myself”

He is very self aware though and will also say he doesn’t mean these things literally, he is just having very strong feelings.

He is becoming increasingly anxious about doing anything out of the ordinary, but does have friends, happily goes into school, is happy most of the time. This just seems to come out in frustration. We are looking for a child psychologist.

I am not a medical professional and my daughter was much older - but I explained to her that when she had these thoughts it was her mind telling her she needed help.

I explained it like when you fall down and hurt your knee - your brain registers the pain so you can get your knee some medical help ie antiseptic cream, bandage etc - to help it heal.

So when your brain is having these thoughts its trying to tell you its hurting and you need to speak to someone about getting some help for it.

She found it helpful to understand its her brain asking for help.

Just for context my children's mental health (ADHD and OCD) started at that age and the psychiatrist explained its the age where children realise they are part of a bigger world and they feel less safe/more vulnerable as they realise they can't control that world.

Ask the school to make an urgent referral to camhs so they look at taking him sooner.

I sat down with him last night and had a calm conversation with him as he seems to mire receptive to conversation at bedtime.

He said he heard this line in Matilda of all things when we were watching it, which lo and behold, Danny DeVito does say something similar. DS then claims he said this as a joke. I told him that I didn't think it was a joke, and he was just very upset or angry and thats why his "brain" made him say that, even if he didnt mean it.

I spoke to him about school and his meltdown. It seems to have been triggered by queuing up in the canteen, then he had to tell a teacher something, and the other children wouldnt let him back in the line and said he had to go to the back of the line.

He has an ECHP in place and his teacher and 121 are brilliant with him.

His dad is an angry man and not very patient. Hr got called to the school based on things DS was saying (which some of it probably IS true) and he spent the rest of the day huffing and not speaking to DS, telling him not to tell lies or tell the school when he is upset.

I am of the oppositr opinion as I have nothing to hide. I have always told DS he can trust his teachers and if he's upset, he can tell them whats upsetting him.

Its very difficult to navigate with a child so young. I struggled with depression most of my life and anxiety most of my teen and young adulthood. I definitely dont want that for him.

It becomes so exhausting everyday having to constantly reassure, etc. He wants you to smile like a cheshire cat all day everyday or else you "hate" him and you're "mad" at him. I am completely shattered between that and working full time.

Poor little boy. I'm autistic and have ocd, which is often linked. Either way he doesn't feeling control of his thoughts and behaviour. I hope you can get him help and support.

@GreenRaven i think there’s some truth to that.

My DS sometimes says he hates his body and wants to kill himself. I panicked when he first said it and was wondering where he’d heard things like that! I had a chat to a friend (who had a son in the same class as DS) and she said her DS had also been saying it. They’re in the same class so they obviously heard it from someone at school.

I do tend to brush it off when he says things like that. Usually with a ‘don’t be silly your body is fine’ or ‘you shouldn’t say things like this’. There’s no depth to it. When I push him about it he just keeps saying ‘I just hate my body’ but can’t actually tell me what it is that bothers him. I’m hoping it’s just a phase.

This is not good advice

You are clearly uneducated in this matter, therefore you should not comment.

Can you clarify that you mean by “he got told off for being bold”?

That sounds strange.

Standard cheekiness. Refusing to tidy up after himself, talking back etc. General stuff that any child goes through, nothing to do with ASD etc.

I strongly recommend you teach him some age-appropriate CBT. It's so useful to be able to label the cognitive distortion that leads to that sort of comment.

Everyone hates me=Massive overgeneralisation plus all or nothing thinking. Not everyone hates him - that's the overgeneralisation.

Hate is all or nothing thinking - it's a distorted extreme of reality. Maybe some people are sometimes annoyed with his behaviour. That's the accurate undistorted version.

Train him to spot distorted thoughts and adjust them in his mind.

This website explains several of the most common thought distortions.

Depending on what the waiting times are through camhs I'd consider paying privately for some professional help if possible financially. Mum to ND daughter and I am ND myself, she's had periods of extreme anxiety and I've had periods depression and anxiety all my life since I was a child. I'm doing everything I can to avoid her feeling how I did.

I do understand the whole people not smiling means they're annoyed with me thinking. I was like this myself and think it's partly rejection sensitivity dysphoria, very common in Nd people. Also with me and ASD very black and white thinking that smiling means something good and serious face means something negative.

I'd be concerned the effect his dad's behaviour has had on him and is still having on him but not sure what you can do if he's got to spend time alone with him 🙁

This is unfortunately quite common with ASD/adhd children.

If his dad has a temper and is punching things around him (and potentially punching him as well?) then that will also be making him feel anxious.

It's often around this age that they realise they are not the same as everyone else and are not doing as well in school/don't have friends etc.

It's really difficult.

It is incredibly unlikely that school will ring SS for an autistic meltdown in school, they are very common. If they did, SS might contact you but given his diagnosis it would be to offer help.