Mental health crisis in 7 year old

[kcchiefette]

I have a 7 year old son and I am getting really, really worried.

He has ASD and I am pushing for an ADHD diagnosis as he is very impulsive, mood swings and no attention span. They are delaying and restarting the process again because he passed the qb test.

He is very well loved. I make sure I tell him I love him, that he's handsome, that I am proud of him. He still has such low self esteem.

If he gets told off for doing something, you hate him. He tells me daily that "everyone hates me". He calls himself ugly.

The last week or so, he has brought up "killing himself" twice. He got told off for being bold, and he said "well I will just kill myself then". I stopped him there and then and told him how serious saying that was.

He had a meltdown today at school due to a tiff with some classmates and screamed in the canteen with other kids and all the staff that he was going to kill himself with a knife.

He went into principals office and said everyone hates him,he's ugly, his daddy and him fell out and proceeded to tell her about him punching his car and slamming doors etc.

Me and his dad are separated so I dont know what goes on 100% of the time, but I know his dad has a temper and I would believe it.

Where do I go from here? He is on a waiting list for CAHMS, ADHD may not be diagnosed and in my opinion, he really needs medication.

I spend my days constantly telling him how much I love him, cuddle him etc but he has constant anxiety that we all hate him. We need to constantly smile at him also or we "hate" him.

I dont want social services involved but I fear after the incidents at school, that they will get them involved.

You might find a social story useful around smiling.

www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/communication/communication-tools/social-stories-and-comic-strip-coversations

Probably the terrible father at the root of it

Yes, I had never really given SS a second thought until DS dad brought it up.

The school rang me yesterday to let me know he had a bad day (Letting me know about the meltdown etc) and that he had a sore eye (took him to pharmacy after school and it was conjunctivitis) but they didnt want to see me about any concerns face to face. They did however, with his dad.

I think he is more concerned as SS reached out to me before concerning domestic incidents involving him and me, in which the police were involved (these were reports filed by me) and SS/police had an alert on my home address due to the threat of continued DV incidents etc. He was bailed and had a restraining order for a while on me and my house.

I dont fear SS involvement as I think they could actually help in their own way, but I do think his dad fears them more as he has more to hide.

Put it this way, every parent teacher meeting we have had the teacher has pulled me aside afterwards and asked was everything OK re. the dad as they can pick up on his hostility and behaviour just by sitting with him!

Sounds like he maybe has Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. I believe it often goes hand in hand with ADHD.

You aren’t alone OP, I know it’s very distressed they can have a lot of big emotions and difficulty expressing them.

Get him as much support as you can.

Given what you have posted it sounds like this is a combination of ASD and possibly ptsd.

In the past schools have been able to access play therapy which is often helpful for children like your son. I know there are funding issues now but it is probably worth speaking to them about it.

As you've had a restraining order in the past I am assuming the contact with dad is court ordered.

If I was you I would be gathering evidence about your son's behaviour and what he is saying about his dad in order to challenge the court order at the right time.

If SS are talking to his dad about his behaviour due to what your son is disclosing in school I suspect the anxiety is coming from Dad's behaviour.

Check your son's body every time he comes back from contact (maybe in the bath or otherwise non obviously). Document and injuries. If your son complains about dad's behaviour write it down and date it.

Is it a mental health crisis?

From what you've explained it doesn't sound like he actually wants to kill himself unless you are missing vital information.

Both children and adults can say similar phrases in exasperation and if he has found it gets him a reaction....

You need to firstly not ignore your child’s calls for help

He isn’t attention seeking. He is connection seeking

You constantly telling him that you love him etc. is nice but he needs to feel it. Start building that confidence up by being specific ‘wow DS, you managed to do x task really fast, that makes you such a clever boy’

‘I really love how kind you are’

‘You’ve done such a good job with your tea tonight, I love how adventurous you are’

obviously these are examples but empty praise is just that, especially when people and children are suffering with low self esteem it needs to be anchored to something ‘real’

Hobbies? Activities? Anything at all that can help give him solid 'evidence' of his goodness?

Doesn't have to be sport. Doesn't have to cost much. Is there any way he can help care for animals? Go bird-watching? Do something arty? Litter-picking with you? Something grounding, peaceful, outdoors, hands-on. Ideally with other, non-school kids.

"You were so thoughtful picking out such a great birthday present for Tim."
"You were so generous letting that little girl have a go with X."
"You spoke so nicely to that old lady, so friendly of you."
"It was really kind of you to show the younger boy X."

I am not sure the constant reassurance will help, without anything tangible to anchor it to. He is old enough to recognise that however well meant, it is empty praise without opportunities to demonstrate his best qualities.

On the contrary, I am very highly trained in this area.

A couple of further thoughts. It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to reassure him. Maybe it would help more to accept his feelings? So for example he says: everyone hates me. You say: I can see you are feeling angry that I asked you to pick up your coat. You really wanted to watch TV. I made you feel really frustrated. You felt like I must hate you. I feel like that sometimes when I'm really frustrated at work. But then I realise its just because my brain got taken over with angry and frustrated feelings. Once I've calmed down I realise noone hates me and it's ok.

I would also suggest thinking about his you can reduce stress and pressures at school. It sounds to me like the threat to kill himself at school was an expression of extreme frustration. A bit like an adult shouting "for fucks sake!!". Can you reduce the stress on him, fir example, can he go early to lunch so he issnt bothered by the queue?

You really aren't. That much is clear.

@MuggleMe we had a really similar experience.

We also found a play therapist useful. Also an online NVR trainer (that was for us not DD).

DD was 7 then. 11 now and has some insight into her feelings.

OP: I understand how worrying it is. It does seem to be a phase (hopefully) that a lot of neurodiverse DC go through. It will be helping your son a lot to have routine and calm and security at your house, even if it seems like it isn't and even if thing aren't going so well at his dad's.

That sounds like ‘rejection sensitivity dysphoria’ which is usually associated with ADHD but I think some link it to autism too.

Do you have a brother or other male family figure that can help be there for him?

I really am, and very experienced too. And if you stopped and gave it a few minutes serious thought, you would see for yourself that it isn't possible for this to have originated inside a 7 year old - just even the language itself is learnt and copied, let alone the concept.

100% learnt and copied behaviour

Gosh, I'd love to know who you think our (then) 7 year old was copying her behaviour from in lockdown when we weren't seeing anyone (and no it wasn't the internet).

Young kids can be depressed, anxious, violent...they're young humans.

yes of course they can, but the concept of committing suicide is a taught one, and so is the language that goes with it

My son did similar around 7-9 years old. We ended up moving him to a different school - omg the change in him was immediate! I couldn’t believe how mush happier he was. I guess what I’m saying is that something in his environment may need to change, whether that’s school or home situation etc…

I see what you mean.

@Sunflower8848 us too. Once the lockdowns were over that helped us. DD is very sociable. It was awful for her to be cut off from friends.

Previous response was to @GreenRaven.

The language may be copied but the emotion and feeling is very much real and not to be ignored.
I hope I dont come across you in a professional capacity ever.

The language is learnt, and the concept is learnt alongside the language, as with any vocabulary. Concepts and vocabulary feed into each other. This is how children learn. The feelings and reactions are also learnt, as with many feelings, (and many other concepts) the development is tied so tightly with language that they are inseparable.

You are completely and totally missing the point. Suicide itself is a learnt behaviour. Noone says suicide isn't real or can be ignored. No one has said this child's feelings are not real and can be ignored. But in order to address them, you need to identify the source.

They are learning this vocabulary and set of responses. These things do not originate in the brain of a 7 year old.