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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think something inside me is missing?

82 replies

Merryoldgoat · 07/03/2024 20:25

The more I read on here and talk to people in real life the more I wonder if there’s something wrong with me: whether I’m damaged in some way.

The things that matter to many/most people just don’t bother me.

I’m no ‘cool wife’ or anything, this isn’t some kind of faux ‘aren’t I chill’ post.

I’m honestly wondering if I’m so damaged that these things don’t bother me.

Mothers’ Day - literally don’t care. Flowers would be nice but if I didn’t get any it’s a non-issue.

Ditto Valentines, Anniversary etc. Birthday it’s nice to get things but no big deal.

Friend pisses me off? Fine. Just cut them out and carry on.

All the angst I see/hear around - I get it intellectually but can’t muster much feeling.

I am on antidepressants but don’t feel numb, just more even.

But maybe I’m in denial.

Not sure what I’m expecting from this.

OP posts:
bringmorewashing · 07/03/2024 22:42

I don't think you're odd at all, but then I wouldn't worry about half of the things people get worked up about on here, or in real life. I try to avoid drama though, just get on with things and take life as it comes. I don't have the energy to waste on worrying!

ElizaCBennett · 07/03/2024 22:47

I’m the same, I don’t expect my kids to drop everything and visit me on birthdays, Mothers Day etc. I’d be very upset if they forgot about me altogether, I expect a card or a phone call. Don’t get me wrong, they do buy me lovely gifts and are thoughtful, I just realise that that have their own lives and I am not the Queen 👑

MintyCedric · 07/03/2024 23:03

Honestly I reckon it’s peri-menopausal fuck it syndrome.

I care a lot less about many things that used to bother me these days…even with ADs and HRT!

Datgal · 07/03/2024 23:13

I think you sound very normal to me. I can't imagine any normal person getting worked up about a day conjured up just to sell cards (mother's day).
People are different. I haven't felt the need to have kids, whereas most people do. That's not normal to some people.
But we're all different. I try not to compare though, there's literally no point.

HauntedBungalow · 07/03/2024 23:29

Oh come on, you don't think there's anything wrong with you. You said yourself you have an overdeveloped sense of self-worth.

Re threads on Mumsnet, this is a big place and lots of people start threads every day. Do I have the same worries and flashpoints as every poster on here? Of course not. Nor would I expect to - it would be exhausting to cover so much ground mentally. Nor should you expect to either.

We all care about different things and what makes one person sad/worried/cross is not the same for the next person, and probably not the same for that same person, on a different day - lots of reasons - historic life experience, current situation/age/health, how much sleep you're getting, what you had to eat for tea, memory of a nice conversation you had a lunchtime, what you watched on telly, if you saw a nice bunch of daffodils on the way to work this morning, if you've just had a nice night out with your mates ...

And message boards like this is where a distillation of one particular thought comes out, in the context of all of the above, for whoever is posting it. This cannot possibly be identical to the thought that anyone else has, although if another poster reads it and finds some common ground, they'll respond accordingly. Just as you are doing with the posters on this thread here that you've started. Meanwhile there are likely to be lots of people reading what you've written and thinking "wow, I can't relate to this at all". I'm sure that none of them would consider themselves to be abnormal! Or, indeed, that there is anything wrong with you.

stardust40 · 07/03/2024 23:34

Merryoldgoat · 07/03/2024 20:25

The more I read on here and talk to people in real life the more I wonder if there’s something wrong with me: whether I’m damaged in some way.

The things that matter to many/most people just don’t bother me.

I’m no ‘cool wife’ or anything, this isn’t some kind of faux ‘aren’t I chill’ post.

I’m honestly wondering if I’m so damaged that these things don’t bother me.

Mothers’ Day - literally don’t care. Flowers would be nice but if I didn’t get any it’s a non-issue.

Ditto Valentines, Anniversary etc. Birthday it’s nice to get things but no big deal.

Friend pisses me off? Fine. Just cut them out and carry on.

All the angst I see/hear around - I get it intellectually but can’t muster much feeling.

I am on antidepressants but don’t feel numb, just more even.

But maybe I’m in denial.

Not sure what I’m expecting from this.

I think I'm the same! I love buying presents for others but it wouldn't worry me too much not to get any back! I have a few close friends because I can't deal with people who wind me up! I'm the same at work .... I'm polite to everyone but there only a couple of people who actually mean anything to me ... the rest are just irritating and I have no intention of spending time outside of work with people who annoy me!

SleepPrettyDarling · 07/03/2024 23:42

I don’t know. Sometimes things matter more to the people around you than they do to you, but out of love, you make a bit more of an effort because it matters to them. Like, you may think, it’s just another day in the year, but your kids might be excited that it’s mum’s birthday, even if it’s a Tuesday, because birthdays are so important to them. It’s grand being all adult about Hallmark days, but I’m not sure you sound emotionally clued in to how others might feel.

Throwingpots · 07/03/2024 23:42

As previous people have said, it’s the posters who do find such stuff important and get in a tizz about Mother’s Day Valentine’s Day etc that end up posting on here about it. The rest of us read and wonder what all the drama’s about, shrug our shoulders and think meh. But you won’t hear from us cos we’re really not bothered. 😄

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 07/03/2024 23:50

You are giving two rather extreme examples I think. Hallmark holidays, honestly most people I know don't care. I certainly don't and I wouldn't have too much respect for those who take them seriously. But not caring about friends is another issue. I make a big effort to keep people I want in my life, sometimes tolerating things I possibly shouldn't. If I let things come between us I wouldn't have any friends. But I do know some people like you that don't seem to care, they just move on.

Babla · 08/03/2024 00:41

I am on antidepressants but don’t feel numb, just more even.

There's your reason

Disneydatknee88 · 08/03/2024 01:01

I am much the same..we don't do valentines or anniversaries really. We don't feel the need to because we appreciate each other regularly. It doesn't need to be a thing! Same with mothers day. I don't like a fuss. A cheap bottle of wine and a multipack of Curly wurlys is all ive asked for this year. I'd rather just spend the day with my kids (they have both agreed to an afternoon of board games). I am the same with friends and acquaintances. I've no time for drama. I think it's very normal to just stop giving a crap about things that will cause you stress as you get older. You care less.

Monty27 · 08/03/2024 01:09

@Merryoldgoat a whole thread of people agreeing
It's heartwarming knowing there's so many others feeling the same way

treadmilljazz · 08/03/2024 01:19

OP I think most are like you, I am not really fussed about all that stuff, its just my nature I'm just pretty laid back. As others say I think people can get upset if they aren't getting the respect or love they need day to day and so it feels like a real slap in the face when birthdays come round and you still get no acknowledgment. If your life is good and you feel happy and loved day to day then these things aren't such a big deal, if anything they are nice excuse for some extra fun but that is all.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 08/03/2024 01:50

Yeah, I get this! I always find birthdays a bit weird- it's nit really my day, I didn't do anything! When my mum was alive I always felt it was a day for me AND her- it was her giving birth- day! Now she's gone it means nothing! But my kids' birthdays mean a lot to me ("this time x years ago....")

I'm also weird because I am very pragmatic about death and illness. My mum was ill for most of my life, and I learned to be very logical about it- what can we do, medically and practically. I don't get the point of weeping and wailing. Whenever I have had health scares I am equally pragmatic, and it's all worked out fine thankfully. When my mum eventually died, I knew it was the best thing for her, as she was so poorly and had no quality of life. I was obviously sad, but back at work the next week. I know people thought I was callous...Same with my grandparents. If anything happened to my kids though , that would be a whole different ball game!

Josette77 · 08/03/2024 04:07

This is interesting.

On the one hand I don't think caring or not caring makes someone dramatic.

However cutting off friends to me seems dramatic.

If Valentine's Day is important or unimportant to someone isn't the issue.

It's about if your partner understands your feelings, respects your feelings, and if you communicate well.

I don't think it's ever about the day, more about if you feel appreciated and respected.

I also think it's ok to want a fuss. Women work bloody hard especially as mums, I love that there's a day recognizing that.

ineedsun · 08/03/2024 06:08

Babla · 08/03/2024 00:41

I am on antidepressants but don’t feel numb, just more even.

There's your reason

Reason for what? Not getting over emotional about Mother’s Day and the like?

I really don’t think that’s because they’re on antidepressants.

Skibbidino · 08/03/2024 06:24

I was like this on antidepressants, it bought the bottom emotions up to being Ok/meh, but also bought the top emotions down to being Ok/meh. I am off the medication now, and am often overwhelmed by my intensity of emotions now. I thought I was a different person than I am, because most of my adult life I have been medicated and therefore didn't know who I really was. It's been hard when I've had negative things to deal with and those big negative emotions, but for me it's been worth that now. I feel much more connected emotionally to my loved ones, including my DC. I am surprised by how often I cry for a whole range of positive and negative emotions. I often find my eyes streaming at school events or sad movies. I hadn't been able to cry for 7+ years before coming off antidepressants

Fedupofcommodes · 08/03/2024 06:31

I feel like that to OP. Can't be saved with the drama, don't get involved in mind games or friendships that are hard work in any way. I just move on. Don't get me wrong do ha e friends but they are ones who have a similar outlook. Totally normal I'd say.

FrothyDonkeyMilk · 08/03/2024 06:41

Honestly, I don't recognise half the angst on here. I literally never knew Mother's Day (for eg) caused so much misery to so many people. Or that anyone really expected anything more than a bunch of daffodils and a 'thanks mum'.

Friend arguments, the same. If I argued with a lightweight friend - I'd just move on. If I argued with a close friend (literally never happens) I'd talk to them. I love them and so we'd figure it out.

So much drama! Grin

Powderblue1 · 08/03/2024 06:56

I think sites like this show only one spectrum of people. Personally I love to read and comment but I wouldn't post anything.

Don't feel different because you can't resonate with others issues. You sound nice and laid back to me.

ZenNudist · 08/03/2024 06:59

Normal to not care about greetings cards holidays.

Normal to not get too ruffled if a friend does something annoying but not Normal to cut people out as a rule.

veryangrymot · 08/03/2024 07:01

I feel exactly the same as you and I am not on antidepressants.

NotMyPage · 08/03/2024 08:19

Normal to not care about greetings cards holidays.
This.

It's nice you are non-dramatic but are you able to empathise with others and recognise they may feel more strongly about things and that's ok?

TorroFerney · 08/03/2024 08:29

MyHighlandGoat · 07/03/2024 20:28

Do you think you have an avoidant attachment style?

I was going to say that. I was also going to say op is normal compared to me but that’s not a good thing! I’m not bothered about the “days” as I struggle with people treating me as I don’t think I deserve it and I’ve cut friends off when with hindsight I should have told them how I felt.

it depends op on why you are like you are and if it’s rooted in trauma.

user1498572889 · 08/03/2024 08:31

I could have written this. I am not on antidepressants but i really don't care about stuff that seems to wind other people up.

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