AIBU to ask if this is normal in a marriage?

[TessMcGillsOffice]

Title of thread is probably more provocative than intended so apologies!

I've been with DH for nearly 20 years, married for 12. Towards the end of last year I got very depressed which I now think was caused by a combination of chronic stress, burnout, and possibly hormones. As part of this depression I've been assessing my life and have become fixated on my marriage.

No matter what I'm doing I'm always analysing DH and the fact that he's not educated. This has never bothered me before. I sometimes imagine never seeing him again and I'm just a bit "meh". I don't know if what I'm feeling is the depression or just my brain trying to tell me something. I had absolutely no thoughts of ending our marriage before I got depressed. We have two DCs, both in primary school, so I wouldn't want to end it now because of the trauma. He loves me and treats me well and is a great father. I'm just constantly bogged down in these thoughts.

I also get worried that my general lack of any particular emotion (joy, excitement, etc) is a bad sign too, although having been together this long I'd have thought it was normal not to get particularly excited when your partner texts or calls. I keep second guessing myself though and any thoughts that aren't negative I tend to dismiss as me just trying to make myself feel better.

Has anyone else ever had a similar experience? Was it depression for you or a sign that something had to change? Is it normal for a marriage to get slightly samey and to just not feel excited by it?

First question will be - how old are you? Is peri-menopause a possibility?

Anecdotally depression does often prompt people to end their relationships and sometimes they regret it.

I guess hopefully you'll get over your depression and you will be in a better place to assess how you feel about him.

I hope you turn a corner and your depression eases up soon. Take care.

No matter what I'm doing I'm always analysing DH and the fact that he's not educated.

What does that even mean? I can’t imagine that having any impact on my marriage.

I listened to an excellent audio book about just this. It was https://www.audible.co.uk/pd/B0C1CWMF15?source_code=ASSORAP0511160006&share_location=player_overflow

I'm 42 so perimenopause is a big possibility. Also being treated for high thyroid although not been diagnosed with hyperthyroidism yet.

It depends. I know people who got depressed because their 20 year marriage was shit (me) and people who thought their 20 year marriage was shit because they were depressed.

Are you having treatment for your depression? Taking medication, having counselling? Actually getting a break from life to do something by yourself?

The best way I can describe it is that I'm always looking for clues as to whether I should be with him. I'm always comparing him to other people and thinking that maybe I should be with someone who is more knowledgeable about things. I know that makes no sense but it's just where my mind goes.

Perimenopause definitely creates this feeling, it's one of the screening questions I saw on a menopause clinic questionnaire.
You're the right age too.

Do you feel like he can’t keep up with you intellectually?

What attracted you to him in the first place out of interest?

Sorry to hear that, as I'm getting older I see a lot of shitty marriages.

I'm on antidepressants and having therapy every other week. I'm also trying to get into healthy habits with meditation and journalling etc. So far my therapy has only revealed that I'm burnt out from caring responsibilities (kids and parents), supporting my DH with his business and working as well. Starting an evening class next week to try to create more room for myself.

Perimenopause and caring for teens and young primary aged DCs has really made me struggle these last 18m. Definitely feel ‘meh’ about my marriage, but I don’t think it’s DH particularly, just the situation and more what I feel about me. I can see why marriages falter during this stage of life though. For me it’s not something to separate over, even though days are hard at the moment.
Not sure what you mean about education though. I have a first class honours degree and DH barely got GCSEs. He’s accomplished in what he does, and is intelligent. School just wasn’t for him 🤷‍♀️

I do think that. We're very different in terms of work but it's not been a problem before.

In hindsight, I was quite frankly absolutely batshit when I was hyperthyroid - it did settle down as we got my thyroid levels under control, but I was totally irrational for a while. My advice would be not to rush into any big decisions

I recently read Davina McCall's book Menopausing, and many women described what you're experiencing. They were robbed off with anti depressants but it was in fact perimenopause. You should definitely speak to your GP and push for hormone tests.

Of course it may also be that your husband makes you unhappy, but I think you should explore all possibilities

I hope you feel better.

His kindness, his genuineness, humour. We just fitted together.

Nothing you've said sounds like obvious deep-seated marital problems and plenty sounds like wonky thinking.

And yes, it's normal for marriage not to be a thrill a minute after twenty years. Nothing can stay constantly exciting and new over that period of time.

I think you would benefit from counselling and probably some medication.

It's normal for couples to lose the sense of the first excitement which they felt in their relationship.

It's a shame you're essentially comparing your husband with men who have had a better education than he has.

My own DH had very little formal education and I've had a great deal of it, but we are very happy with one another and have been together for 25 years.

Look for your husband's good points. It sounds like he has a good many of them.

I think we all go through stages in our lives when pressure from work, family, ill health etc eat into our capacity for joy. We just don't have the time or headspace to devote to the things and people closest to us and we stop seeing them for what they mean to us.

Do you talk to your therapist about your thoughts concerning your husband?

It's really good to hear others' experiences especially as I would usually take my concerns to DH but can't because it would be so upsetting.

DH isn't as intelligent as me. He's amazing at what he does and is managing his own business but usually operates under some kind of brain fog and I feel like I'm the thinker out of the two of us. I think the constant mental load is something that has really affected me.

I'm in a similar position in that I'm 'educated' and H is less so. But I've learned so much from him (twee I know). Our education gap has disappeared as the years have gone on. My education has become pretty meaningless tbh. We spent an hour today debating the merits of constitutional change and neither of us felt 'less'. You don't sound happy now though. What's changed? (Sorry to be nosey)

I have started to talk to my therapist about it. As contradictory as it sounds having posted on here I feel horrendously guilty for having these thoughts so it's taken me a while to open up. She thinks I could benefit with a couple of days away to myself where I have no responsibilities which I would like to do but am reticent because of the cost and possibly making DH feel like I'm trying to get away from him and the kids.

The mental load is pretty significant to just drop in there. Is he leaving it all up to you?

When my DH and I watch University Challenge he often amazes me with his knowledge. He is unquestionably less well-educated than I, but he understands concepts which completely elude me.

Nothing has changed in our situation or our relationship. Through a combination of meds and stress I have near zero sex drive which doesn't help. I think I've also come to think of him as another person who just needs something from me. He went self employed last year and the stress has been immense. I've not felt able to talk to him a lot of the time because he's working so hard and I don't want to add to it.