AIBU to ask if this is normal in a marriage?

[TessMcGillsOffice]

Title of thread is probably more provocative than intended so apologies!

I've been with DH for nearly 20 years, married for 12. Towards the end of last year I got very depressed which I now think was caused by a combination of chronic stress, burnout, and possibly hormones. As part of this depression I've been assessing my life and have become fixated on my marriage.

No matter what I'm doing I'm always analysing DH and the fact that he's not educated. This has never bothered me before. I sometimes imagine never seeing him again and I'm just a bit "meh". I don't know if what I'm feeling is the depression or just my brain trying to tell me something. I had absolutely no thoughts of ending our marriage before I got depressed. We have two DCs, both in primary school, so I wouldn't want to end it now because of the trauma. He loves me and treats me well and is a great father. I'm just constantly bogged down in these thoughts.

I also get worried that my general lack of any particular emotion (joy, excitement, etc) is a bad sign too, although having been together this long I'd have thought it was normal not to get particularly excited when your partner texts or calls. I keep second guessing myself though and any thoughts that aren't negative I tend to dismiss as me just trying to make myself feel better.

Has anyone else ever had a similar experience? Was it depression for you or a sign that something had to change? Is it normal for a marriage to get slightly samey and to just not feel excited by it?

I feel this big time!

Carrying the mental load for your family for years, helping him with his business on top of everything, not doing anything together as a couple...yeah that will kill the love.

You do need some time to yourself. He does need to realise how much you do and that it cannot carry on. And him taking on a new business is not an excuse to leave everything up to you.

If your thyroid is overactive you need to get that under control immediately. Are you seeing an endocrinologist? How are your bloods? I have Graves disease and was batshit crazy for 18 months while I got it under control. Mine was very severe so hopefully yours is less so and won't take as long as mine did. But don't underestimate the effect it has on your mental state (and obviously physically too).

OP, there's been lots of good advice but also I think you should try to get along to your GP to get your thyroid levels checked. Wonky thyroid levels can very significantly affect the way we feel. HRT has also been mentioned. Have a read up on both HRT and thyroid (there's a lot of good info here on MN, as a starting point) and then book in for that appointment.

Good luck, OP I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going well at home ATM, but your DH does sound like good bloke, and it sounds as though until recently you've had a very good relationship. I hope that one way or another you can get things back on track.

Sorry to hear about your Graves disease. I'm being referred to the endocrinology team at the local hospital and am on carbimazole. I have fatigue and upset stomach too, which can be due to the overactive thyroid, but no weight loss and other symptoms could be due to the depression. Thanks for the comment though, I will be a bit more proactive in getting it sorted.

Thanks, I appreciate that. He is a good bloke and my biggest wish is to get rid of these feelings and go back to how things were (minus the stress and mental load!).