AIBU to ask if this is normal in a marriage?

[TessMcGillsOffice]

Title of thread is probably more provocative than intended so apologies!

I've been with DH for nearly 20 years, married for 12. Towards the end of last year I got very depressed which I now think was caused by a combination of chronic stress, burnout, and possibly hormones. As part of this depression I've been assessing my life and have become fixated on my marriage.

No matter what I'm doing I'm always analysing DH and the fact that he's not educated. This has never bothered me before. I sometimes imagine never seeing him again and I'm just a bit "meh". I don't know if what I'm feeling is the depression or just my brain trying to tell me something. I had absolutely no thoughts of ending our marriage before I got depressed. We have two DCs, both in primary school, so I wouldn't want to end it now because of the trauma. He loves me and treats me well and is a great father. I'm just constantly bogged down in these thoughts.

I also get worried that my general lack of any particular emotion (joy, excitement, etc) is a bad sign too, although having been together this long I'd have thought it was normal not to get particularly excited when your partner texts or calls. I keep second guessing myself though and any thoughts that aren't negative I tend to dismiss as me just trying to make myself feel better.

Has anyone else ever had a similar experience? Was it depression for you or a sign that something had to change? Is it normal for a marriage to get slightly samey and to just not feel excited by it?

Is there someone new in your life that you are comparing him to, finding him lacking in a had your head turned by someone else way and you are looking for reasons to begin an affair? Bit you'd deny it for now? Not a criticism, its a thing.

He leaves most of it up to me. Through me being depressed he has realised that I need some support. I've been doing all the organising and planning for years.

Totally reasonable question! But no, everything in my life has been static for a while (same job, house, etc). Perhaps that's part of the problem.

There's your answer then. Nothing to do with intelligence. You're pissed off with being left to manage everything.

Wasn't accusing you!

Do you still have sex?
Sorry, I mean do you still enjoy it and fancy him?

She thinks I could benefit with a couple of days away to myself where I have no responsibilities which I would like to do but am reticent because of the cost and possibly making DH feel like I'm trying to get away from him and the kids.

I wonder OP if you struggle to put yourself first and this is making you resent your husband a bit, especially as you feel you carry a lot of the load.

Maybe now is the time just to take a short break to give yourself time to breathe, relax and reflect. Even if it's only a day away doing something you love. The course is a good idea, but that's a 'doing' thing, sort of justifying you taking time out. Do something bloody frivolous. Potter about, have a swim, drink a coffee somewhere gorgeous.

You never know, you might actually discover you miss your husband. Considering how you'd feel, how your life would be, if you weren't with him might make you weigh up your thoughts.

When was the last time he and you had a break together, just to be a couple? That might be worth considering too. The focus on education is very specific and maybe you need to see him as a whole person again.

Funny iv been discussing 40s with couple female friends. We all have teens or pre teens who need lots more emotional management, elderly parents who need more input, work just seems harder yet we are all expected to carry on. Lots of it is peri menopause and menopause symptoms too but I think life stressora can peak in your 40s

Take a look at relationship ocd.

I didn't think you were! It is a fair question though and I would ask it if a friend were saying this to me.

Occasionally. He would like more but I'm just exhausted. It's good once we get going but by the end of the day I'm shattered.

We haven't been away or done something just us for ages. I do think it's something we're missing. I do find it hard to prioritise myself and often feel like I have to earn a bit of time to myself or for myself. I have very low self esteem which is something else I'm trying to work on.

You are so busy that you are burnt out, but you want to add another tiring thing? Sounds to me like you should be doing less not more!

It's something just for me though. Otherwise yes, I do need to do less but it's not really an option. Everyone still needs me.

I started to worry I'd fallen out of love with my DH. I found myself re-examining all my life choices, fantasising about being single and living alone or wondering if there was someone out there who would make me happier. Then I started HRT. It's amazing how quickly those worries vanished and I went back to being completely certain that I married the best man in the whole world. Hormones have a lot to answer for.

Makes me wonder how many perfectly good marriages have been irreparably ruined by lack of understanding and support for womens health issues.

Thanks for this, it's very comforting!

My age and the fact that I went from basically ok to completely immobilised with depression overnight did make me think there was a physiological component to it. Trouble is I don't trust my own brain and just think I'm telling myself that. There are far too many voices in my head!

Peri and you sound like you need to do something for yourself.

Do you do anything at the moment that is just for you?

What does your husband contribute to managing the mental load?

I'm perimenopausal and feel quite flat. Have done for years. Not depression (I'm actually quite content) but it's like all my emotions have been flattened. I rarely feel great excitement or passion now, for example. I'm not unhappy.
I think this is very common in perimenopause. If you were happy in your marriage before the depression I certainly wouldn't take any decisions to end the marriage now. My friend is a counsellor and she always says you must never make big life changes when depressed.
I also think it's common to get fixated on certain ideas when depressed. I had severe depression in the past and I felt like some ideas got stuck in my mind.

Yes. Ended my marriage to my alcoholic husband last year amazing. Also I've found body pump at gym legs bums and tums amazing fir my mh

DH has an HND, I have a degree but he is very intelligent and has great general knowledge. He struggled in school. I am just very average.

If there's issues in my marriage at the moment, it's not to do with his intelligence levels but generally stress related to feeling overwhelmed with family life.

I am in my 40s too, and can see many parallels in my own life OP as to what you have described.

Another poster mentioning that they fantasised about being single, that's definitely been me recently. Feeling like I just want to be left alone. Less complications in life that way, rather than being in a relationship.

I do try to exercise and go out for a walk but apart from that I don't do much. We've made changes to the kids' bedtimes so sometimes I can just relax while he sorts them out but it's a work in progress.

I completely understand the feeling flat. It's hard in its own way. I would have said I was largely content before the depression. And it is a fixation, that's totally the word. It's like I think everything would be better if DH were more intelligent which I know is untrue.

Well done for getting out of that situation. Trying the gym is also on my recovery list.

I think you're right. It's everything else becoming overwhelming and for some reason my mind's gone to this. Life is bloody hard.