Not to see my child on mother's day (I am the mum)

[cocavino]

I asked my ex weeks ago if I could see my child on mother's day, which happens to fall on his weekend. He agreed to a particular time and day to exchange my child. We live locally to each other.

Now he is throwing up many obstacles and demanding that I travel to a far-off station for the exchange at a different and very inconvenient time.

My ex is very toxic and this will become even more fraught if I continue to engage.

AIBU to just cancel seeing my child?

@1214Happy that's incredibly hurtful and upsetting.

Perhaps start a thread of your own. Do you want emotional support or more legal advice?

Fuck him. I'd just move the day to a date with your DC for 'your Mother's day'. If your child is of an aware age I'd plan every Mothers day to fall on a day Father is not in access. Never share this info with your ex, just reassure your dc you'll do your own thing.

Yes I would like support? Thank you for your message:)

Sounds like this is emotional abuse from your ex. Horrible to hear that he's upset your child deliberately. I would keep a record.

This is so interesting although horrible circumstances at the time. We're your kids turned against you? And now can see through it all I'm so worried I'm going to lose my son for good! And I'm really tired fighting all the time

Oh the good old "you use the maintenance money on yourself" crap. My friend used to get accused of that. Of course, her ex ignored that fact that every single penny of her wages went on the house and kids, also a good chunk of the maintenance too. Hell mend her if she got her hair done though.

Best money I ever spent was to take this to court and formalise all contact arrangements. I had it written into the order all the things I knew he wouldn’t comply with, so Mother’s Day in particular it says ‘if Mother’s Day should fall within the fathers weekly custodial time, the children shall be returned to the mother by 10am or other agreed upon time’ or something to that effect.

Could you take it to court? Get things formalised.

Honestly, I wouldn’t engage. Enjoy your day, though! Isn’t it every mothers dream? A quiet, lovely day to enjoy all your yourself?

op, it’s just a day, it really is.

This man is vile. Have you done the freedom course? Are you working with a domestic abuse charity? Have you shared any concerns about your child’s welfare with the school?

My ex refuses to deviate from the agreed weekends even on special days. Not going to get upset by it so we celebrated Mother’s Day a week early and had a lovely day!!! Best to do it the week before in my opinion so your child knows you’ve already celebrated on the day!

@Nicole1111

I have shared concerns with the school, but they don't seem interested

My ex ended up badgering me so much that I agreed an alternative plan that involved getting my child from a different but slightly less inconvenient location on Saturday night.

My child has informed me that my ex didn't share any of the comforting texts or voice messages that I sent in response to their messages. (So the purpose of the messages was obviously to make me comply, not to open up a dialogue with my child).

My ex was very nasty to me at pickup.

My child also says that my ex also repeatedly told them that it seemed like mummy didn't want them.

@Nimbus1999 this is definitely what I will do in the future. I don't know why I was so delusional as to think this was a good idea - maybe because I know that my ex would always prefer not to have my child (while still having enough contact to pay reduced maintenance)

@GlennCloseButNoCigar according to legal advice I have received, a court proceeding would likely result in 50/50 shared care, which my child would hate. It's also insanely expensive.

Keep it all documented.

Email the school again requesting support for your DC due to his behaviour this weekend.

Sadly your ex is emotionally abusing your child. If you feel the school aren’t taking it seriously ring your local mash (google your county and mash and you’ll find a number) and share your concerns. It’s likely they won’t accept the case but the point of talking to the school, mash etc, is so that you have a paper trail if you ever decide to take the matter to court. I’d also start keeping a diary of what happens with dates moving forwards.

@Nicole1111 I am keeping a diary, but it feels so pointless. The school seems to regard this as a dispute among parents. My solicitor has more or less said that the court doesn't care about the types of misbehaviour that I have described to her so far.

@RandomMess I have scheduled an appointment with the school counselor

A cafcass social worker, who would be assigned in the event of the case going to court, should very much care about the child experiencing emotional abuse so I would keep up the diary writing as it will help to inform their assessment of him.

@Nicole1111 I will definitely keep it up!

I live in extreme fear of CAFCASS as I don't believe that they always get it right and my ex is extremely manipulative/may appear very credible. He would definitely try to convince everyone that in fact all problems stem from me and I am abusive/crazy

What a horrible man, your poor child. 😞 I can't understand the thought process behind deliberately engineering a situation to upset your child just to 'get one over' on your ex.

I don't know what you can do but I just wanted to sympathise with you and your child.

Can you delay / cancel contact? You seem to think he'd be relived anyway. I can't see how any of this is good for the child

I get that but if there’s evidence trails in terms of emails, texts, accounts from others who your son might have spoken to, school reports etc it’s going to be much harder for them to get taken in by him.

I think I would be telling ex that DC has/has had a bug does he want contact to go ahead. May create a few more cancellations.

OP my GC was allowed by court to drop contact, last year when they were eight. He has had to change his behaviour, or they vote with their feet. It seems to vary across the country because the Mum's around us aren't having to put up with what you are. The Dad's have been told straight when they've gone to court. Tbh, by the time this went to court your child's wishes would be taken into account. As said you don't have to speak badly of your ex, you just give honest explanations, otherwise you are enabling and carrying on emotional abuse. Your child will think that it is them, not him.