Not to see my child on mother's day (I am the mum)

[cocavino]

I asked my ex weeks ago if I could see my child on mother's day, which happens to fall on his weekend. He agreed to a particular time and day to exchange my child. We live locally to each other.

Now he is throwing up many obstacles and demanding that I travel to a far-off station for the exchange at a different and very inconvenient time.

My ex is very toxic and this will become even more fraught if I continue to engage.

AIBU to just cancel seeing my child?

My ex delighted in flexibility only working for him. He loved to have the upper hand.

I learnt to do special days like birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day etc on separate days when my children were with me.

Controlling human

Whose weekend will Fathers Day fall on ?

I would be saying “oh we already celebrated Mother’s Day last weekend” and I would have done

Hehe me too. What a wanker though

Just move Mothers Day, it doesn't really matter when you celebrate. In our house every day is moveable, it stops a lot of arguments and upset.

Now he is having my child send late -night texts pleading to spend mother's day together.

@almostthere75 he has father's day this year.

Oh he is a shitty father to use your child like that.

Can you suck it up this one weekend and travel where he wants you too, but from now on plan another day to celebrate anything that falls on hus weekend?

It sucks that you have to be the one to compromise but your child is a little young to understand dad is manipulative (IME teens start to see through it).

To your son I would just reply "I would love to however your father has said I would need to collect you from X so it's not possible. Can't wait to do something special together next weekend instead x"

@MyLottie yes, he is an absolutely terrible person. Our child hates him. It's all very unfortunate.

It appears that I probably do have to do as he wishes, as I can't stand the idea of my child being sad all through mother's day, spending it with his horrible mean girlfriend

@RandomMess maybe you are right! A hard line approach is safest, and caving to emotional manipulation this time will just encourage more of the same. He's like a shark who can smell blood in the water.

Stick to the "facts" with your DS, your ex has done this deliberately to bad mouth you. Ignore the manipulation and stick rigidly to the contact agreement.

How old is your DS and is it a CAO?

I would reply to your child that you would love to see them but you’re not able to pick them up from where daddy has said. Please don’t worry though, we can have a lovely special day on xxx day and I can’t wait to see you, love you lots. Or along those lines

Another time, I would think of something special to do and tell your daughter it wasn't available on X date, so you've booked it for your weekend instead and that can be your special day even if it's not on the exact date.

Fortunately for me, my ex jumps at the chance to leave DC with me for an extra day (or several). Never asks for a swap. If his birthday or Father's Day falls on one of my days, he never asks to see the DC.

I hope you work things out one way or another and your DD isn't too upset.

@RandomMess 8, no CAO - just a (fairly) stable arrangement

Thanks for the advice, all! I sent a reply text to my child.

8 is young to a phone to be texting you, but I guess you like that they can contact you whilst on contact. I hope your ex doesn't send upsetting messages whilst they are either you?

If you are no longer flexible with changing arrangements hopefully it means they will cancel some contact time/return early etc.

As your DC gets older their wishes count for me. If they start refusing to go let the ex take it to court.

I'm sorry it's so awful for your DC sounds like they have the measure of their Dad already.

@RandomMess has it spot on. If he won’t flex you don’t either and remind him constantly why. You have to out arsehole the arsehole.

Are you sure it was your child texting . I would have phone your child and if your ex answered you had your answer.

My child doesn't have a phone. My ex claimed that the text was from my child.

Seven answers to your message and you’ve cancelled anyway? We’re you really interested in Mumsnetters’ opinions??

@Northernladdette I don't understand?

I don’t think there’s ever an unreasonable response when you’re doing the best you can to deal with a really tricky situation. At the end of the day, Mother’s Day is just another day and yes it would be really lovely to see your child but if it is causing you stress and misery and wouldn’t adversely affect your child if they didn’t see you, then take a deep breath and see them another day. Sorry you’re dealing with this.

OP you’ve done the right thing. Your child might be upset in the short term about this Sunday but establishing boundaries with your twat of an ex is more important in the grand scheme of things. Any upset is on your ex, not you.

edited for typo

Have Mother's Day on the next Sunday and make a big day of it. Best ever Mother's Day. Don't rise to it. Be the better person. Your kids will know who the best parent is.

As you have 50/50 custody, he legally doesn’t have to pay any maintenance. £40 a month will obviously make a difference to his household once the new baby arrives (nappies cost a fortune) but will it really make a huge difference to your child’s life? What will she have to miss out on for £10 a week?