Not to see my child on mother's day (I am the mum)

[cocavino]

I asked my ex weeks ago if I could see my child on mother's day, which happens to fall on his weekend. He agreed to a particular time and day to exchange my child. We live locally to each other.

Now he is throwing up many obstacles and demanding that I travel to a far-off station for the exchange at a different and very inconvenient time.

My ex is very toxic and this will become even more fraught if I continue to engage.

AIBU to just cancel seeing my child?

@Kwasi I think that you have the wrong thread, but I don't get your reasoning...

You’re asking the opinion of Mumsnetters, should you cancel seeing your child. After only seven responses you then say you’ve cancelled anyway. Sorry, I don’t think I could have been any clearer 🙄

@Northernladdette the votes and replies were overwhelmingly positive.

Also, my ex would gladly hand over our child and will probably continue harassing me to go to this far-flung station for collection until the day has passed.

He doesn't actually want to spend this time with him and he's likely annoyed that he has to. However, equally he believes he's entitled to demand that I change all my plans last minute and travel several hours for his convenience.

I had actually been willing to cancel my plans (an anniversary dinner with my new partner), but then he drip fed the next demand over collecting my child from this other place. From experience, the next thing would have been a sudden last-minute change of time or expecting me to wait for him when he was very late, turning the collection into a several -hour ordeal

Hopefully he will start cancelling contact when you will no longer flex to his demands 🤞

Stick with your formal arrangements

Stop bending over backwards to him - do not flex another arrangement ever again.

Sit your son down and have an honest conversation with him and celebrate another day.

I'd pick another day & arrange it with DC so they can plan etc. It doesn't sound like it's worth it.

You need to stand up to this 'man'. You're allowing him to rule the roost, you're a single Mum & you set the boundaries for the tosser. Not easy at first, but once he realises the lady is not for turning, he'll back off.

He is now sending more ranting emails. He says that he told our child that the reason we are not spending the day together is that I am not willing to travel to them.

Yep, all seven 😂😂

@Northernladdette the votes are still at 87% YANBU. Did you have some actual views to share or are you just looking to critique the way that I interact with Mumsnet...?

You clearly don’t understand my comment. I’m out……

Until you are in this situation it is difficult to get across to other people just how emotionally awful it is.
It's like time is running out to decide because of the pressure he's making.

My ex plotted and planned to upset me on a Mothers Day (& another time on my birthday) when DS was 8 and I found it very very upsetting...but,you needto focus on all the good ones you will get, and have had in the past.

He may not even say alot to your child -he may just want to hurt you.
Unfortunately.

I'm celebrating next weekend for the same reason - just not worth the hassle of trying to swap

My ex has refused every single time I've tried to ask for a swap on mother's day as it always fell on his contact time.

This year. I just didn't ask. DD is really upset about not spending the day with me.. I've tried my best to acknowledge her upset and try and make her feel better.

I'll leave it to her Dad to explain...

Hopefully few more years DD will see his behaviour for herself.

Honestly, OP, it's just not worth it. Your ex doesn't sound like a normal, reasonable human being.

@almostthere75 yes, it's a terrible feeling. Sorry you have experienced it too. He actually made the year before last miserable as well even though I didn't even ask for the day - ended up demanding I cancel all my plans and collect our child last minute.

@Borris here's to being able to plan a mother's day event on an off day when there's not the same competition for bookings! At least this is how I'm trying to approach it.

@Whattodo112222 sorry - it's so hard seeing your little one be upset. Your ex sounds terrible.

The harassment campaign continues. He is now having my child send tearful voice messages. (Normally he won't allow any communication during his time).

I have told him several times that I can't accommodate his new plan, and he just insists that I simply don't want to.

It would be possible to collect my child if I changed many, many important plans, just as one can do for any emergency. But this is a problem he has created, and is obviously not an emergency. Again, like always.

TBH I think this was his plan all along

I would absolutely explain to your child that it’s dad’s fault not yours. There’s a difference between badmouthing the other parent because you dislike them, as this serves no purpose, and your child being upset because they can’t make sense of what’s happening and you won’t put them straight because of a misguided sense of covering the other parent for their shitty behaviour. It’s not ideal but it’s the lesser of two evils - if you cave in her dad will just keep pulling these stunts.

I watched my own DSC go through shit because we gently defended mum’s crappy decisions as we wanted to protect DSC, but DSC turned the issues back onto both themselves and me/DH because they were trying to piece together the jigsaw puzzle of what was going on but without all the pieces. They’re adult now and have worked things out for themselves but with hindsight we’d have done things differently - not to actively slag off mum but to give DSC age appropriate information because all that happened is that DSC was still hurt just as much only it was misdirected, and then they figured it all out in the end anyway so double whammy.

@RandomMess you know what, I think you're right.

@ShakeNvacStevens thanks for this perspective. I don't lie about what he is or tell her she's wrong about her father, but equally I don't tell her how shit he is. My parents were divorced and it was very hurtful for me when they would speak badly of each other.

You have all my sympathy OP and I think this is a turning point for you.

Going forwards from here I wouldn't ever ask ex to alter arrangements again - future Mother's Days/Easter/Birthday whatever, just do it beforehand so that you and DC get all your happy time together and when ex says to DC "oh but it's MD/E/B " etc. DC can just say "Yes but Mum and I have done that already, before I came, it was great" Apart from making yours and DC's life a lot easier and more fun it should hopefully piss ex off as well!

@cocavino Yes I would never speak badly of the other parent as such, but we were confusing badmouthing with giving age appropriate explanations which might happen to have reflected badly on mum, if that makes sense. Sounds like this isn’t quite your situation though.

@ShakeNvacStevens oh, I understand! You tried to protect them too much and you should have been more honest. This makes a lot of sense.

What a piece of shit he is.

Today my son who's 11 told me that he didn't want to spend mother's day with me as I was barely a mother which has really broke my heart I think I may need help with parent alienation. I really feel for you as I know how toxic exs are :(

Dont fret. I have two children ( now teens) who were used as pawns. They know the reality after years of misinformation about me.

They know who dad is and who was there for them through it all.

Dont rise to the bait.