Ex partner reducing maintenance because he has other children.

[sandyofthesea]

ExH and I share a daughter. He has always paid maintenance of the same amount every month since we split even after his children with new partner were born. He has now said he is going to reduce maintenance in around 6 months because he has other children.

I’m not sure what to think. Part of me thinks okay, he has more kids to pay for. But I also feel why should DD miss out.

Just to add he is a very good Dad. There is no animosity between us, or myself and his wife, but something just feels a bit off. I can’t put my finger on it.

What are other peoples opinions/experiences please? AIBU to feel this way?

Technically if you have 50/50 he should give you nothing.

That being said, it would be prevalent to know what he earns, What you earn and how much he gives you for us to say whether we think it's fair or not.

I haven't missed the point of the thread at all. I know most people think the dad is doing enough (because obviously he is) but that's the general vibe on MN so it's no wonder people think op is being 'ungreatful'because here is a dad doing potentially more than a mum and she's still not happy.

If it is 50.50 then why is he paying anything anyway?

@Chocolatebuttonns you absolutely have missed the point and you won't be told. OP situation is unusual so I dunno what threads you have been reading!

Because I haven't missed the point. You don't get why people think op should be grateful. I'm explaining why.

@Chocolatebuttonns Nah I understand perfectly well. If you read on page 2 I commented earlier... any reasonable person can see that the father sounds decent. Keep with the thread!

So what was the point of your very long comment about people / op being grateful then?

Ah yes my poor compression skills.

Lol

Surely it would be up to the child maintenance service to decide the correct amount for his personal situation?

@GirlOfTudor the legally correct minimum amount yes. The morally correct amount? Not so much. PLus they are absolutely useless at chasing anything unless the paying parent is on the most straightforward PAYE system. If only it were so easy as to leave it to them.

Given he could legitimately reduce to nothing as he’s got 50/50 I think you’re being very unreasonable. You are fortunate to get maintenance in this situation and assume he’s not aware he doesn’t need to pay.

I'm not a single parent so forgive my ignorance.

Lots of people are saying that 50:50 parents shouldn't pay maintenance. If that's the case how are uniforms, school fees/nursery, clothing etc paid for? If nrp doesn't pay for a uniform does the kid go in Naked on their days? Do you tell the school to find the nrp for their share of the school trip payment?
Genuinely curious

Dds dad and I take it in turns to buy shoes, clothes and uniforms.

We split school trips 50/50, ditto school dinners.

We both put credit on for breakfast and after school club as and when we need it.

Any big items that is going to be used at both houses are paid for 50/50

I do dental appointments, he does asthma reviews. We both do other medical appointments.

We attend parents evening together, and any other meetings that are required at the school (DD has SEN).

I claim the child benefit and DLA and give him half of it.

If we both need childcare, we ask the other parent if they can cover and use breakfast/after school club as a last resort.

DD can move her clothes and toys freely between houses.

@TrudyProud I think the concept is confusing you as you are still thinking of one parent as being the resident parent and the other as the non resident parent. In 50/50 shared care agreements both parents are resident parents and both households have equal status.

So, if I split with DH and had 50/50 custody, why would I be buying uniform to be worn on his days? We'd both need uniform at our houses. Are you suggesting that one of the parents would stay at home, take the day off work and fake a reason why the child is absent from school, rather than provide the uniform required at their house?

If its 50/50 on custody then it's usually 50/50 on expenses but that's usually determined between the parents some are willing to work together some aren't.
We used to split it fairly amicably.
I did uniform and after school activities and birthday parties as i was claiming CB and I didn't mind shopping.
He paid for school dinners and school trips. Sometimes we'd go halves on something random that cropped up but overall we worked it out.
I bought clothes for my house he bought clothes for his house it saved on moving clothes about and things getting lost.

You could argue the opposite and say maybe he already can’t afford it but is giving notice so OP isn’t taken by surprise and can try and prepare herself for the change.

Absolutely.

My ex doesn't have take the kids or pay maintenance but if he did do 50/50 then there are certain costs that come up that are not just related to who has them day to day.

I'm in Ireland so some costs will be different but I have to pay for things like the school bus and evening study by the term. If we were 50/50 then obviously those costs should be covered by both of us, not just me.

Likewise with activities. Some like football are paid annually but then others are by term or 4 week blocks. It would be on both parents to pay for them if they're both in agreement about them. That's not one parent doing the other a favour.

Then there's dental, medical expenses etc.
This week I have to pick up a prescription for one of mine which will be €50, dentist will be €200 and new glasses will be €150....now maybe in some cases those kind of bills would even out if parents were taking turns for appointments but in some 50/50 arrangements the mother will still do all of that stuff so of course the dad should be paying towards them.

The one time my ex brought one of mine for an appointment when I couldn't attend I had to give him my bank card 🙄

And as you said there's all the other costs too that a lot of the time the mother is more likely to sort out or think of.

My kids have one set of each uniform, PE and regular uniforms.
If I had a 50/50 split with their dad I don't think we'd be doubling up on uniforms, they'd just bring it between houses, therefore the cost should be split.

Just like we wouldn't double up on football boots etc

There's no need in lots of cases to double up on what they need, so we both should pay for it.

You really shouldn't be receiving anything if you have 50/50 custody

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn @RMNofTikTok
Thank you both for responding. Makes sense... I think.

So in OP circumstances. If a parent can't keep up with the child's "normal" because it's 50:50 the child stops or the other parent pucks up the financial slack such that though housing is 50:50 life /finances may not be.

@TrudyProud

In OPs circumstances she is not eligible for any child maintenance as the dad is responsible for the child costs when they are with him.

But some costs that arise aren't applicable to when they're with one parent or not. They're just costs related to the child.

For example if the child suddenly needs a few hundred pounds worth of dental work....the cost should be split by both parents, not just the one who brings them to the appointment.

Or if there's an activity they both want the child to do, both should split the cost, sometimes there can be a large upfront cost and it wouldn't be a just pay by the week thing.
A child starting football for example, they could need to pay for the annual membership fee, football boots, shin guards and some of the kit etc.

Those kinds of costs would tend to be split in a 50/50 agreement and often it will be one parent (the mother) who does the organizing and purchasing or going to appointments etc. therefore the father will contribute financially towards those costs.

It's not the same as maintenance.

@kkloo exactly. That's exactly what I've been saying this whole time.