Are that many parents relaxed about school attendance?

[Orangeandgold]

I went into the office and my colleague was ranting about her children. Both are teens, one in year 10 or 11 (GCSE years) and they convinced her that they do not need to go to school because of the train strikes (this was a few weeks ago).

I asked her if her children’s school was local and if they could have taken the bus instead. She said they could have taken the bus or even walked but they were stressing her out and she had a big meeting at work and so she’s let them stay at home. She was fined a few months ago because they didn’t go into school. She’s started keeping emergency funds for fines because her children’s attendance isn’t great.

This can’t be “the new normal” now. I’ve heard other stories from mum friends that arnt that bothered. Another friend pulled her teen out of school to attend a baby scan.

I understand people have “lost trust” in the education system etc. But AIBU for thinking that parents should really make the effort to get their children to school.

Growing up it was such a big deal for parents to do this. Unless my DD is ill she has to go in and if she is unhappy about something I will speak directly to teachers/headteachers/relevant parents to sort it out.

That situation isn’t the new normal because it’s clearly weird enough for you to base an entire MN post around. The occasional day or special occasion is fine in my book because life is more important than a few hours of school but not prolonged absence due to a train strike obviously.

How old are you OP? I wouldn't say relaxed attendance was particularly unusual a couple of decades back, nor very frequent truancy, there was just less attention paid to it.

I’m in my early 30s.

Yes people bunked off school etc but it was never encouraged by parents a majority of the time - the culture was that you go to school - if you bunked you don’t get caught (unless nobody at home cared) - maybe we don’t place value in school anymore. You had the odd child that would regularly skip school. But it seems normal now.

The reason I’m also bringing it up is because there was a radio segment about it this morning too.

Your colleague sounds like she is struggling, not that she doesn’t care. Teenagers who are old enough to stay at home / truant rather than refusing to go to school with a parent enabling that can be difficult to manage. Doesn’t sound like she is encouraging it.

Ah ok. I think that may explain it then. I'm early 40s and I'd say in the 80s and 90s lots of parents were pretty lackadaisical. As were schools sometimes. It wasn't necessarily encouraging kids to stay off though no, more not being bothered.

There was a change post millennium as there was more focus on attendance, albeit I do know some people in their late 30s who stopped bothering with secondary in about Year 10 and nobody cared. So that would've been in about 2003.

However, it does look like the social contract re regular school attendance was more fragile than some people thought. I say some people, because I for one saw this coming as soon as we closed schools for most DC.

I think the opposite. I think people are completely crazy about missing school and its impact. The odd day here or there or even a holiday in non exam years is normal life imo

I'm in Scotland where school don't act like they are in charge of mine and my DC lives. They often missed days for things that English school parents would be horrified at, and yeah, sometimes that meant becsue it made my life easier. I'm non fussed about it as they managed to grow up to be successful, independent adults. One progressing well in her career and the other at university and living with her partner.

See after Covid the message that was sent around was ‘if you’re not we’ll, don’t come to school’ and kids started, in some cases taking advantage of that, in others, thinking ‘but I really don’t want to be there’ . I’ve a child who would never miss school and there’s one who I get phone calls from the school about- they’re not feeling well, they hurt their wrist etc. sometimes I’ve kept him home because my manager wouldn’t take me collecting in the middle of the day and the school won’t take me saying’can you keep him there, he seems ok’. It’s a minefield op, you’re lucky you don’t have to deal with it!

And people say ‘they aren’t bothered’, chances are their mh can’t take another day of arguing/bribing/ pleading because their child won’t go to school. In our day people mitched (I didn’t!). It’s something thst kids at least talk to their parents now

If English schools were pleasant places, I would definitely be absolutely religious about attendance.

In in Scotland too where there seems to be a much more realistic attitude towards school. My kids have very good attendance but my DD has an ongoing health issue and regular CAMHS appointment which impact her. They know school is non-negotiable but I too will keep them home for things that seem to send mumsnetters into a tail spin.

It’s harder to truant though because I get a text message from both my DS and DDs school if they don’t appear.

There was a government "crackdown" on school attendance in the late 90s, in Tony Blair's "education, education, education" government, while Tony Blair hoped we wouldn't notice him taking his own children out of school for holidays in the Seychelles during term time, while saying "we're all middle class".

Perhaps the government's newer three-word slogan of "don't kill granny" told parents that certain things were more important than their children being in school. (The government's complete contempt for children was perhaps the single most cruel aspect of lockdown, with the prolonged school closures, which will be felt for decades to come.)

Hmmmm. I'm somewhere in the middle. I've always whipped my kids out of school for somewhat spurious reasons in primary. Trip across the UK to see a family friend, we went. Nice, extremely hot day, trip to the beach. Lots of snow, sledging. Dance exams, sure. Massive enrichment opportunity or a day off for out of school sporting activity/training, sure. I've done all of those and don't regret it. In high school, it's only the dance exams that get the days off. My attitude towards school hasn't changed since covid and I'm a big believer in education. That said, I think in primary the odd day or two off here and there actually built a better foundation for MY children (it wouldn't work for all kids). I didn't continue this in high school but I am allowing them a week off to go abroad with their grandparents. And I would consider any requests for days off on its own merits. BUT my kids know they are responsible for doing the work they missed.

It’s not how it is for most people; no. The problem is it’s usually the children that need to be in school most, who are continually off.

I value my children's education but I didn’t/don’t worry if they have the odd day off because of something other than illness. This could be that they’re tired and need a bit of downtime, all their friends are on a trip or their birthday some years.

They’ve always worked hard at school, done homework, revised for tests and are good kids, so I don’t worry about it. It’s a balance between education and letting your kids know you have their back. We seem to have done fine with our approach as our kids are doing very well.

I used to be a real keen bean about attendance when DC was in primary school, I saw it as an important way to support the school. Secondary has been a different matter - it's clear that secondary school has a detrimental effect on my child's mental health, and this is the case for most of the teenagers I know. So I although I do support them to attend as much school as possible, I won't make them go in if I think it's going to have a damaging effect. It's also become clear that there is a huge amount of repetition in school and the curriculum, so that missing school is rarely too much of an issue learning-wise.

Mine are in school pretty much unless they have some obvious infectious illness that means school won't take them or they are on their deathbeds.

I had a mum though who found the school run stressful and struggled to balance work pressures with getting me up and to school (I was 10/11 at the time, so still in primary and not able to get myself to school, even on public transport). Like your friend, she just stopped taking me because it saved her the aggro. I was one of those kids who fell through the cracks in the system and no one ever checked on me. I'm not sure what story she told them, maybe that I'd moved to another school or she was home schooling? I don't know, it was 30 years ago, so not the linked electronic records of today. I missed a year of school because she was just fed up with doing mornings. So no doubt there are parents like that out there today.

Fwiw, I finally got back into school. I was lucky to find a school who would take me and was sympathetic to my situation and the time I missed. I did very well after that, went to secondary school, finished with very good results, went to a top uni and have a very good career now. But it's no doubt informed my attitude to school attendance.

I don’t let my DD have days off for mild illness. She said she had a sore throat and tummy earlier this week but we gave her calpol and told her to let her teacher know if it got worse. She’s 10 and can cope. However, I’m certainly not militant about attendance. We have a holiday booked for October that means she’ll miss 3 days. During Covid, we kept her off before Christmas to reduce the risk of having to isolate. 🤷‍♀️ Her attendance is always in the high 90% range and she’s bright so I’m not stressed by her missing a few days here and there.

I went to secondary in the late eighties/early nineties.

Loads of kids effectively left early and stopped attending school in year 10 and were working instead. Truancy was common.

There was a big push in attendance late nineties onwards.

One of my teens was ill while she was at secondary. It took three years to get her a diagnosis and treatment. She will never be well again, and now has a lifelong illness, but despite that is doing well at uni,

The U.K. state school system is not set up to support ill children. Children who are I physical pain, or fatigued, often find secondary school difficult to cope with.

My DD eventually dropped out as it was just too difficult.

The attendance people at school just want them in. They don't see the impact.

For my DD the thing that made the difference was getting diagnosed and treated, and then attending a part time course at a college that understood about disability before working back up to full-time

I agree. Generally speaking, parents don't seem to be more relaxed about anything these days. Everything feels ott!

I don't think it's the new normal. I think there's been a lot of press and political talk about absence rates (which incidentally are also higher in teachers). Data however show most of it is down to increased illness, which is not surprising.

I had 8-10 days off school every year as a lot of horse shows were week days. My schools saw this as just as important as academic education. When you go to week day horse shows now, it's still got a great deal of school age children so in my "circle", yes, people are lax about it.

'Twas ever thus. I remember friends doing it in the 90s, they would occasionally take a day off to go shopping with their mum or if it was their birthday etc. I was only allowed a day off if I was on my deathbed/ lost a limb....it was deeply unfair

I think the focus on attendance is completely insane.
I don’t allow my kids to not go to school because they feel like it but equally, we have the odd day where if they are slightly under the weather I just let them sit it out.

Ive also frequently taken them out for holidays. We are a high expectation family but I do not subscribe to the madness around perfect attendance

I think in the GCSE years it’s plain silly to keep letting your kids stay home for random reasons. I’m pretty sure ds headteacher quotes some research that shows the impact on exam grades for attendance below 95% 🤔

Ds is year 10, one of his mates barely ever puts in a full week! 😳

As a child I was only allowed time off if I was on my deathbed. I was the same. But my parents worked as do DH and I. So childcare is not easy.
I have noticed that schools tend to be more relaxed about children having time off for middle class pursuits such as horse shows or sailing abroad, rather than 2 weeks in Spain. So I wish now I had just taken them out for cheap holidays, and if they were young I would do this now.