Are that many parents relaxed about school attendance?

[Orangeandgold]

I went into the office and my colleague was ranting about her children. Both are teens, one in year 10 or 11 (GCSE years) and they convinced her that they do not need to go to school because of the train strikes (this was a few weeks ago).

I asked her if her children’s school was local and if they could have taken the bus instead. She said they could have taken the bus or even walked but they were stressing her out and she had a big meeting at work and so she’s let them stay at home. She was fined a few months ago because they didn’t go into school. She’s started keeping emergency funds for fines because her children’s attendance isn’t great.

This can’t be “the new normal” now. I’ve heard other stories from mum friends that arnt that bothered. Another friend pulled her teen out of school to attend a baby scan.

I understand people have “lost trust” in the education system etc. But AIBU for thinking that parents should really make the effort to get their children to school.

Growing up it was such a big deal for parents to do this. Unless my DD is ill she has to go in and if she is unhappy about something I will speak directly to teachers/headteachers/relevant parents to sort it out.

I wouldn't allow my child to stay at home for any reason other than illness.

However, if he is ill I will keep him off without worrying about his attendance. It wouldn't factor into my decision at all, even though the school send passive aggressive emails about attendance. (Not to me specifically but to all parents.)

I think most parents have thier kids in school apart from when they are really ill or the odd few days for a holiday.
But some parents dont give a shit. My friend keeps her son off all the time. If its raining and she cant get him picked up they dont go.

If they are tired/had a late night. If they 'need' a pj day together.
They go on holidays and days out whenever they want regardless of it being school time. As far as im aware she hasnt been fined or had school welfare involved.

Its madness. This child will be a nightmare growing up. If he doesnt feel like going she just keeps him off.

Can he have his children more? I’d do anything I had to including move or change job if my children were not attending school and I believed they were well enough in this situation.

It works both ways. As parents we had 2 patchy years of non-existent home schooling, followed by 'only come in if you have a negative LFT'. Then the teaching strikes, followed by a huge increase in supply teacher's taking lessons and staff absence.

I’m in my 50s….I took my 3 out of school for holidays most years as it was cheaper…..apart from that they attended unless sick, and always on time….my DD now takes her 2 out of school for hols the same…..last year they had 3 days off for Glastonbury…..3 days off in September ( end of a summer holiday away) and 3 weeks off at Christmas ( long haul holiday) .they will be in school now until this Christmas when she has booked Lapland ….so they will have another couple of days off…..all other times they are in school…..my DD has not been fined as yet….although all non attendance is unauthorised

Every single teacher in the UK needs educating on school refusal.
You can see why so many thousands of parents in the UK are hitting their heads against a brick wall.
Hopefully not too far in the future HE will become the norm and wellbeing and education will much improve.

I agree.

This

Every single teacher in the UK needs educating on school refusal
I agree, but there's a difference between can't go to school and won't go to school, and there's families in both camps. The right resources need to be allocated to each group.

I wouldn't want very different students to be mixed up because I'd not want desperately needed resources being directed in the wrong way. If there's finally proper investment in this area, I want it to go to the families who are desperately asking for support and feel they're hitting a brick wall every time they ask.

@HotAndColdAndBackAgain Mum would never allow it. They run a mock at home. I’d actually whilst I don’t enjoy them coming, I’d rather have them full time as I think it would make life easier and take away the constant battle of being decent humans as it would be our rules majority of the time. I can see the eldest asking to live with us in later years but the youngest is babied and spoilt so can’t see him wanting to. When they come here they’re expected to have manners and consideration and they have bedtimes and boundaries. Littlest isn’t a fan of it.

I’m not relaxed about it at all, everyone else can do what they like but I’ll be damned if I let DD miss out on a formal education for spurious reasons. I wouldn’t give a shit about holidays enough either to try to book them in term time. We go in the school holiday’s, understanding the break may be shorter than we would like.

It’s not just about DD missing out on lessons, it’s embedding in her a) sometimes we have to choose the option we don’t like because it has a long term benefit for us b) respect for her own education

I’m in my late 30s also but my perception is very different to your. I feel like attendance was made
less of an issue when I was a child. If we went on a week away in primary school no one thought anything of it so long as a child’s heneral
Attendance was ok.

I think the current approach to attendance is absolutely ridiculous and the link to outcomes for children used in a manipulative, biased way. I hear of SEN children missing tons of education because local authorities can’t/won’t identify a school to meet their needs, I hear of parents having to fight in court for EHCPs for their disabled children, I hear of children with persistent attendance issues due to things like mental health issues not receiving adequate support or being on huge waiting lists. Yet a healthy child, making good progress at school, with usually good attendance has a week off to go to Spain and we are all supposed to be up in arms and out comes talk of fines etc?! It’s ridiculous.

We are strict about them going to school in the same way we are expected to attend work. Imo it does them no favours to think random days off here and there are acceptable.

School isn’t work and children aren’t mini adults.

I work, I chose my profession, something I enjoy doing and am very good at. My colleagues are supportive, skilled in their area of work. My boss treats me with respect and acknowledges my strengths. If I need a day off I can take leave. If I need to attend an appointment i can flex my hours a bit to attend, I wear what I like. I get paid for my efforts. If I don’t like my workplace I can look for a new one.

Children have a school allocated to them, often the work doesn’t play to their strengths, teachers are variable in the relationships they build with students, children can’t chose their own clothes, aren’t with peer groups they necessarily get on with. And if they need time off it’s a bloody battle. I’m listening to a HT on the radio justify spying on homes where a parent has kept their child off school to ensure they are actually at home. Not doing a home visit and having a conversation, watching their home.

School isn’t a workplace for children.

I think possibly the few years difference between you and OP is significant here @Advicediddlyice. If you're late 30s, you'll remember school in the early and mid 90s before things started to tighten up. With OP being early 30s, it's possible she was in a school that was an early adopter of the attendance focus and just missed the more laissez faire attitude that was very common until then.

I am late 30s so yes maybe that makes a difference

It's true but my kids had absolutely no education for months on end during COVID and are doing fine academically. I know people like to pretend there was education going on, but for many of us there was none at all. Our school uploaded worksheets to a portal but that was it, not even online teaching and my kids were 4 and 6. Then the school strikes. People are deluded if they think parents forget this. The contract was broken and it takes two parties to have a contract, not just families doing exactly what schools say when convenient

If she’s not sending them to school, I’d get legal advice. It’s a cop out to leave them with their mum who is neglecting their education. Your partner needs to step up, they’re being failed by both parents.

@HotAndColdAndBackAgain I have probably mislead you. They aren’t off every day but they have sick days, 3 -4 days at least once every 2 months. In my view this is too much. It always seems to be because they claim to be ill and that’s enough to be told ok stay home. This is mostly occurring with the youngest. We don’t always find out about the absence until weeks after when the kids let slip because mother doesn’t like to communicate. If you want the funniest bit, mummy works in education. Partner doesn’t like to use formal Channels as believes it is detrimental to the kids. I have reached the point where I try not to care or share an opinion. If mummy and daddy don’t give a shit, why should I?!

@EG94 I agree it’s not your problem to sort at all. However, I’d personally find it difficult to be with someone who doesn’t take responsibility for his children and blaming it all on his ex. I don’t think thats a good father.

Also, if mum doesn’t communicate with him, there could be lots going on with the kids that you don’t know such emotional issues.

When you are struggling as your friend sounds like she does , a good school will reach out and support you.

Not post threads about it on MN!!

@HotAndColdAndBackAgain there’s other factors at play here. Any time he questions decisions or offers support he gets told I am a capable mother and can care for MY children. All gets very defensive. Turns into war. He does try in some areas and in other areas I agree he and their mother fail their children. I see my role as I am not your mother, you have one and I don’t want to be your mother however I am In your life and I see my role as encouraging you to be the best humans you can be. I can only do so much as I didn’t birth them. 95% of the time dad will agree and back me but there is that 5% we fight over and I’m reminded they aren’t my children. I’ve accepted this but it is my home and if im
sharing my space I will not be silenced. My roof my rules abide or leave. I refuse to have my home and myself disrespected. I control what I can and shrug off what I can’t.

Low attendance/persistent absence is a huge problem for schools, got worse since lockdown. Surveys/research shows that many parents have relaxed their attitude towards attendance since lockdown, arguing that the government didn’t care then so why should parents care now

@EG94 I don’t blame you keeping out of it as much as possible. They both sound rubbish, I don’t know how you put up with it. It’s such a shame for kids with 2 rubbish parents who can’t communicate for the sake of the kids though. I wish you luck, I’d have ran for the hills long ago!

What plans do you have in place for when your child starts work, will you be calling their boss because they don't feel like going in ? Will you be keeping them at home for the next 40 years because they don't have a job because they are constantly sacked for bad attendance ? You really are not doing them any favours.