My boyfriend of a year wants to fly to another state to visit his two female friends at college

[YourCoolCyanPeer]

Don’t get me wrong, I completely trust my bf and I know nothing is going to happen between them. I’m completely fine with him hanging out with his female friends when they’re all home from school and stuff, I just think buying a plane ticket and flying out just to see two girls is a little bit extreme. I told him I felt a bit weird about it and he got upset and said he doesn’t wanna see his friends only over breaks and stuff. He doesn’t fly out to see any of his guy friends at college, so why is he flying out for them? Again, this isn’t about trust, I genuinely just thinks it’s kinda weird. Am I being unreasonable?

Wait, is this a LDR? You’ve been together for a year but only seen each other on college breaks? Of course he’s prioritising friendships. You’ve been together the equivalent of months.

None of this is making sense to me. Is Mumsnet the best site to get advice in these circs? 🤔

So you’re all four of you from the same place, but you are still living there, and he and his friends are at university in different places? And your original post was about him flying to their college town to see them for a visit during termtime? But now you, he and the friends are all together in your hometown ?

Yes they are on break currently and he is flying to see them once they’re back after tomorrow.

Yes

But you trust him implicitly so why should the fact he is saving money by staying with them be an issue?

I mean I feel like any girlfriend would think it’s weird for their boyfriend to sleep in a room just him and two other girls…

No I think you are picking up weird vibes. Trust your gut that it’s a bit weird.
I think from what you’ve said it’s more to do with the effort he is going to to see friends that are not you, as you only see him on breaks. I had an ex a bit like that once when I wanted to see him a lot more often than he wanted to see me. It hurt when he put effort into seeing friends but not me.

I have old male friends that I have visited on my own many times over the years, wouldn't occur to me not to. I have stayed in their rooms on my own (when they were house-sharing), and now in their homes. It would change the dynamic completely if either of us brought along a DP every time (we have all met and do socialise sometimes). I don't find it weird.

i think the problem is you are not important to him. He only sees you part
if his break. Hes making time for then when not on break and will still see them on break. After a year you should be going with him and when he visits his family, you should break up with him and find someone you are not an after thought to

I certainly did it all the time in my student days. Now I only wonder about how I coped with the discomfort of a sleeping bag on the ground amid the books and wine bottles… No one was sleeping with anyone.

His friends mean a lot to him and so they should do. They were there before you were and will still be there after you if it doesn’t work out and you have to respect that.

All these people saying “this isn’t right don’t let him”; did your partners mysteriously drop all their female friends when you came along? Did you make it difficult for them?

You either trust him or you don't.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. However, I do think his reaction to something you express is up for question.

Also not flying out to meet male friends, ONLY female. Very questionable.

They are home right now and so is my boyfriend. He hung out with them tonight and got ice cream and said it would be weird if he asked them if I could come. I had to ask him if I could come just to get to know them and he was so hesitant but then let me tag along and it was fine.
It would be weird though.

Just like there's threads on here where people point out that the social dynamics change when:

• a group of male friends are hanging out and one bloke insists on bringing his girlfriend/wife along
• a mixed sex group of friends from university/college are socialising with a shared history, and one person's boyfriend/girlfriend tags along
• a group of female friends is socialising and one decides her boyfriend needs to tag along
• a social meet is happening for people who share a hobby and one person brings their partner/boyfriend/girlfriend who isn't involved in the hobby

The dynamics change. From the friends' perspective, you're looking forward to socialising with your friends and suddenly you're having to be mindful of your references so not to exclude the boyfriend/girlfriend, you have to make sure the topic of conversation includes the person who doesn't have the shared history or shared hobby, and what was meant to be shooting the shit ends up hanging out but catering to the new addition.

I'm sorry but he's not a real boyfriend, he's a guy you're semi-casually dating every now and then. Him traveling to see friends is ok/normal. Him flying to see these two girls, staying in their room and deliberately not wanting you to come, or get to know them, or generally be fully integrated in his friendship circles, is not ok/normal. He's trying to lead two separate lives not necessarily to cheat on you with these two, but he doesn't want you to be his life partner. If he did, he'd want his friends to know you and vice versa.

My college boyfriend did this exact same thing (we were together 7 yrs in total) and lo and behold, he had a crush on one of the girls in his friendship group. He left me and has now been married to that girl for 20 years.

Everything turned out perfectly for me some years later, I found my soulmate in a different country and we have a beautiful family and life together. But your bf doesn't sound like he'll be the "end game" for you, he's just filling in time with you.

Ask him why he hasn’t flown over to see you during term time - why is he seeing them now when he sees them during the break? Surely he’s given you a reason already? If it’s to attend a gig/concert then that’s entirely reasonable, if it’s just random and he sees them endure break, like you, yeah it’s weird. There must be a reason he wants to see them /they him at this particular time - a birthday?

ZOMBIE