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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My boyfriend of a year wants to fly to another state to visit his two female friends at college

94 replies

YourCoolCyanPeer · 06/03/2024 17:38

Don’t get me wrong, I completely trust my bf and I know nothing is going to happen between them. I’m completely fine with him hanging out with his female friends when they’re all home from school and stuff, I just think buying a plane ticket and flying out just to see two girls is a little bit extreme. I told him I felt a bit weird about it and he got upset and said he doesn’t wanna see his friends only over breaks and stuff. He doesn’t fly out to see any of his guy friends at college, so why is he flying out for them? Again, this isn’t about trust, I genuinely just thinks it’s kinda weird. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Greengumby · 07/03/2024 05:22

I think you just aren’t compatible and the Long Distance Relationship isn’t working for you anymore, and that’s no one’s fault.

He’s not wrong to go visit friends, or to split his free time between family, friends and you.
You’re not wrong to feel like he makes more effort to see family/friends over you or to want to feel like he is prioritizing you and your relationship.

It would be controlling to try and dictate how he spends his time or to insist on an invitation. You need to decide if this relationship is still working for you and figure out if you share the same vision/plan for your future to determine whether the short term pain (of distance) will be worth it.

Autienotnautie · 07/03/2024 05:41

Yes rightly or wrongly this would bother me too op

Tarmacadamia · 07/03/2024 05:45

I'm assuming you're all young - college age is 20ish right? In which case yes, he absolutely should be prioritising his friends at this stage of his life, as should you. Sorry.

waterlellon · 07/03/2024 05:47

You say it isn't a trust thing but it sounds like it is. If it were blokes you'd be fine because you believe him to be heterosexual.

waterlellon · 07/03/2024 05:48

Autienotnautie · 07/03/2024 05:41

Yes rightly or wrongly this would bother me too op

It would bother me too . Because I don't 100% trust my fella

KrisAkabusi · 07/03/2024 06:50

waterlellon · 07/03/2024 05:48

It would bother me too . Because I don't 100% trust my fella

Show quote history

Then why are you in a relationship with him?

waterlellon · 07/03/2024 06:55

KrisAkabusi · 07/03/2024 06:50

Then why are you in a relationship with him?

Show quote history

God knows

puzzledout · 07/03/2024 07:01

Calculuses · 06/03/2024 17:43

Know I'll be told I'm old fashioned, but personally I think if he's going you should go too.

Why would you be called old fashioned?

Controlling and untrusting, but not old fashioned.

OP, I don't know what the problem is? You can go if you want, you don't, so he can go alone.

Scarlettpixie · 07/03/2024 07:14

If he is seeing them in term time is term presumably it means can see you when he is on a break.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/03/2024 07:43

If I were you I would end the relationship, not over this but over the fact but you are never a priority.

Donk2879 · 07/03/2024 07:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MermaidEyes · 07/03/2024 09:16

Tarmacadamia · 07/03/2024 05:45

I'm assuming you're all young - college age is 20ish right? In which case yes, he absolutely should be prioritising his friends at this stage of his life, as should you. Sorry.

I agree with this. See too many girls (mainly) who prioritise a new boyfriend over everything else, and then when the relationship inevitably ends their friends are no longer around because they got sick of being dumped for the boyfriend.

Codlingmoths · 07/03/2024 09:22

I get the bit about he doesn’t bother to see you when not on breaks. I think it’s fun bars as well as his friends, I think it’s something to watch out for whether he doesn’t put himself out for you, if he just has time for you when it’s convenient. Not a dealbreaker and you should definitely not go.

JaninaDuszejko · 07/03/2024 10:25

I'm mainly surprised a teenager from the US is on a British parenting website.

I'm going to tell you what I'd tell my teenage daughter. You're very young and you are having a long distance relationship. I won't tell you to end it because you're experiencing first love and think this is it. But the probability is that it will end and you should approach it in that way and both prioritise your friends.

If you are right for each other it will feel wonderful and very easy and very right for a long time, probably until one of the big life events like birth, death or major disease. At which point you draw on all the wonderful times that happened before to help you get through the hard stage. But for you at the moment a relationship should be about fun so if it's not fun any more then end it.

Lampslights · 07/03/2024 10:27

Can’t see any issue with someone making a trip to see their mates, and I’d not stay in a relationship where my partner took issue, or felt they should tag along. I’d be out.

PoochiesPinkEars · 07/03/2024 10:35

Why now and not on a break?
Maybe they've got tix to a local event, maybe he needs a dose of fun, maybe that's when they can all make the time because breaks are full of partners and families.
I've always had friends of opposite sex so has DH... 20+ years later, still not an issue.
I think YABU.
You think this is an indication he values them more, because he's doing something with you he wouldn't do with them... But it's a different relationship, doesn't mean they're a priority.
If he did with with you it would be a regular occurrence because you're a partner, which is not sustainable when you're trying to study...with them it's a one off.
He uses his break time for you... You could say that shows you're his priority, whereas they're getting squeezed in.

VickyEadieofThigh · 07/03/2024 10:44

"I'm mainly surprised a teenager from the US is on a British parenting website."

Me too. It's not as if there aren't a lot of social media forums that young people can and do access.

MermaidEyes · 07/03/2024 12:45

I'm mainly surprised a teenager from the US is on a British parenting website.

That was my first thought too, hesitated to comment because, you know what they usually turn out to be 🙄

KreedKafer · 07/03/2024 12:49

I completely trust my bf

Sorry, but no you don't. You don't at all.

If you trusted him, you wouldn't think it was 'weird' that he was flying out to see them and you wouldn't be comparing his friendships with women to his friendships with men.

Anyway, yes, YABU. It's not up to you to say which of his friends he can spend money on visiting.

Original poster
YourCoolCyanPeer · 07/03/2024 13:12

PoochiesPinkEars · 07/03/2024 10:35

Why now and not on a break?
Maybe they've got tix to a local event, maybe he needs a dose of fun, maybe that's when they can all make the time because breaks are full of partners and families.
I've always had friends of opposite sex so has DH... 20+ years later, still not an issue.
I think YABU.
You think this is an indication he values them more, because he's doing something with you he wouldn't do with them... But it's a different relationship, doesn't mean they're a priority.
If he did with with you it would be a regular occurrence because you're a partner, which is not sustainable when you're trying to study...with them it's a one off.
He uses his break time for you... You could say that shows you're his priority, whereas they're getting squeezed in.

But he doesn’t use his break time for just me. He still sees them just as much over breaks so it isn’t really squeezing them in but thank you I do understand what you are saying.

OP posts:
Original poster
YourCoolCyanPeer · 07/03/2024 13:17

KreedKafer · 07/03/2024 12:49

I completely trust my bf

Sorry, but no you don't. You don't at all.

If you trusted him, you wouldn't think it was 'weird' that he was flying out to see them and you wouldn't be comparing his friendships with women to his friendships with men.

Anyway, yes, YABU. It's not up to you to say which of his friends he can spend money on visiting.

I do trust him. I just think it’s weird that he goes that far out of his way to see other girls our age that I’ve only met once in my life. Like I don’t even know them, whereas his other, closer friends I have met multiple times and gotten to know them a bit.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 07/03/2024 13:20

Its definitely a trust thing if you would be okay with him going if it were lads.

The excuse about going out of his way to go is the reason why you find it strange is a control thing.

So it's a trust thing or a control thing. Neither is conducive to a successful relationship going forward.

beetr00 · 07/03/2024 13:40

@YourCoolCyanPeer it's not really weird lovely.

Have been left in your home town whilst he has gone to college?

You both seem to have different perspectives wrt your relationship. Perhaps he's more casual?

I don't think, putting the key to your happiness into his pocket will be of any benefit to you at all.

Please have a think about and re-read what both these posters are advising and maybe chat to your Mum/sister/friend? Wishing you the very best🌻

As @Greengumby says "You need to decide if this relationship is still working for you and figure out if you share the same vision/plan for your future to determine whether the short term pain (of distance) will be worth it."

and @JaninaDuszejko "I'm going to tell you what I'd tell my teenage daughter. You're very young and you are having a long distance relationship. I won't tell you to end it because you're experiencing first love and think this is it. But the probability is that it will end and you should approach it in that way and both prioritise your friends."

Kjones27 · 07/03/2024 13:44

YourCoolCyanPeer · 06/03/2024 17:38

Don’t get me wrong, I completely trust my bf and I know nothing is going to happen between them. I’m completely fine with him hanging out with his female friends when they’re all home from school and stuff, I just think buying a plane ticket and flying out just to see two girls is a little bit extreme. I told him I felt a bit weird about it and he got upset and said he doesn’t wanna see his friends only over breaks and stuff. He doesn’t fly out to see any of his guy friends at college, so why is he flying out for them? Again, this isn’t about trust, I genuinely just thinks it’s kinda weird. Am I being unreasonable?

I wouldn't be okay with it to be honest.

Years ago, my boyfriend went to London to do a course. He went for dinner with his female friend.
He told me after it happened.

I honestly didn't like it. But i kept it to myself.

I thought to myself he knows her for longer than me, he's allowed to have female friends. So I swallowed it down.

I then found out through someone else that his last girlfriend had had a lot of problems with this particular female friend.

I still didn't say anything. I just had a bad gut feeling.

He ended up cheating on me with this female friend. And we broke up. I think if you have a bad feeling, it's usually right.

Why does your boyfriend have to go alone. Can you go with him?

Kjones27 · 07/03/2024 13:47

It's a really difficult position to be in op, I feel for you

Because if a man wants to see his female friend, the girlfriend can't really win.

If we say : no I'm not happy with that. He can potentially call you crazy and paranoid.

If we say : I'm fine with that. Even when we are not fine with it. It can lead to us being angry and hurt.

Ask him would he be happy with you flying alone to see two male friends.

And why can't you go with him?