To think everyone struggles to maintain friendships these days?

[HolidayHun2020]

So I will start by saying I am constantly overhwlemed, I always have so much on my plate (Full time job, young DC, doing a renovation, elderly parents etc etc) I have always tried to be a good friend but recently I know I have become quite bad at responding to messages - it gets to the evening and I am exhausted. I just want to mindlessly scroll, spend time with DH or switch off from the day. I find it really hard to then pick up with friends or respond to messages, especially if we are just 'chatting' on whatsapp. I try and make as much time as possible to get out and see friends but I have had to cut this back due to money and I really burned out - at one point I was doing two evenings after work, a thing or two on the weekend that I would drag DC to or organise play dates with mum friends.

I have just been ghosted by one friend, I suspect because I took too long to respond as per usual and I am really sad. I do try and genuinely feel so guilty for not responding quicker but alot of the time I really don't have it in me and I just put it off.

AIBU to think its not just me who feels like this and on top of my friendships?? I am in my 30s and is this just what happens - your priorities change so friendship circles shrink.

Ive found the same OP, it does seem harder in your 30s/40s to balance it all.

So you were seeing them approx 4 times a week? To me that's insane as an adult, where are you supposed to find time to do anything else?

But yeah you could also drop a quick reply instead of mindless scrolling, it does only take a min. If you wanted to you would.

Also the same. Same age range and I really struggle. We had DC much earlier so lost many friends at that point and it does get harder as you get older. Also jot many people understand my job so I've lost friends that way.

I get really sad. I lost a friend because I didn't interact with her social media enough. After lots of thought, it proved she wasn't wasn't real friend as they wouldn't judge something like that. Plus she never was the first to message.

I also find it really difficult to meet new people and as an introvert it's even worse.

It feels rather sad to let friendships go altogether because of a difficult phase in life. Maybe a generic message to everyone saying that you are very aware that at the moment you’re not on top of your friendships due to your insane workload but please bear with you and forgive your temporary absence. Proper friends will get this.

The social life you describe sounds far too much for where you are at now. Can’t you reign back and maybe meet people once or twice a month in the evening and just as and when in the daytime?

I hate just mindless chatting on WhatsApp, so YANBU there. I find it draining & unsatisfying. I would much rather just save it till we meet face to face.

But if you are taking ages to reply when friends are trying to organise a get together, that is quite annoying. Particularly for a group - by the time the last person replies sometimes the first person to confirm is no longer is free! It doesn't take long to check your diary and say yes or no.

How long does it take to text a friend and say I’m having a nightmare few weeks, I’d definitely like to get together when things are less manic and how are you, what’s going on in your life?
As a woman in my mid 50’s I’d say do anything to hang onto friends, your DC will grow up, you’ll have more free time and having good friends enriches your life.

Around that amount, yes! I have alot of 'singular' friends that I have made over the years and in around 4-5 groups. Pre-DC/Covid/Cost of Living I would be out more then this believe it or not.

So often I will have around 10-20 conversations to reply to (my fault as I let it build up) and sometimes its 'life update' conversations etc some replies genuinely aren't quick as I am replying to multiple points, someone could have sent paragraphs. Also sometimes quick replies turn in to the person responding instantly and its then a back and forth.

I think maybe the issue is it was TOO intense (four times a week when you've a partner and kids is a lot) so now you're pulling back it feels really significant.

On the other hand I SEE uni mates once a year for a weekend. No kids or husbands. Just time to chill and catch up. Exactly the same plan for a different date for school pals. That means we consistently get quality time together. If we manage meet ups around that, great.

I then have a messenger/WhatsApp🐀 for each group but there's no time pressure generally unless we're actively planning so people just reply when they want, it's generally just day to day stuff.

But you have to make an effort.if you'd rather scroll on here than respond to your friends, perhaps you've outgrown them.

I do think friendships are something you have to make an effort to sustain. Otherwise, one day you'll look around for them and they'll be gone

So I do prioritise! If I am arranging to meet up, and we are at throwing around dates stage - I will reply to these much quicker! Its sometimes just the general chit chat messages I can take a long time with.

Not sure many people of any age hang out with friends four times a week.

Having said that, I prefer to mindlessly scroll of an evening so I don't have time to text friends back does sound like a decision you might regret, sorry. No one expects an immediate reply but if you like the person, why not exchange a few texts every now and again. Doesn't have to be a big thing. If you're scrolling and see a good article, meme or reel, share it with them.

Could you nip the chit chat messages in the bud, tell your friends you are in the middle of it right now and can they fill you in on the details when you next meet up.

4 times a week!!!!!

I am always really honest about whats going on and I do always apologise - I actually think its really rude to just pop up after three weeks and just acknowledge you've not responded. Sometimes I don't even realise how long its been, in my head I will think must respond to 'So and so who txt me last week' and i'll look at the date and its been a month.

I totally agree with you on its sounds like too much for where I am at and have pulled it back in comparison to what it was, but still struggle. I sometimes feel guilty if I look back on a year and think 'I have only seen you twice this year' and consider them a good friend. I also think I have attached alot of 'myself' to my friendships after having a child.

I've just counted my what's app conversations and since Monday there has been activity on 22 different chats, whether it's groups or individuals. There's no way I've dedicated much time to a reply to these messages, even if one reply took 2 minutes it's literally just 2 minutes of my time. But the difference maybe is I've wanted to? I don't really think you can have it both ways by not wanting to communicate, but wanting to stay in these circles. I have some friends who like to keep in touch more than others, and some who we speak once in 6 months and it doesn't matter. I think you just need to weigh up what you want from the friendships, and that will dictate how much you need to put in. If you want to see them 4 times a week that takes a lot to maintain. If you want to see them twice a month that takes a lot less effort.

I haven't found this. I have a young child, a FT job, am project-managing mid-house renovation, and am fairly introverted, but my friendships ae definitely nourishing rather than draining.

I think that first line has really hit the nail on the head! I really like what you have said about spending more quality time - I think maybe this is something I will try and implement. Thank you!

I think sometimes I am so mentally drained from the day I just want to switch off from everything - I said spend time with DH but he hasn't gotten much conversation out of me recently.

There are friends that I am sending tiktoks etc backwards and forwards to, so I do do tha :)

I do get what you are saying though in that I might regret it! thank you

I think it’s only kids and single young adults who see friends 4 times a week.

have just been ghosted by one friend,
How are you defining what you are doing when you don't reply to people? I find it interesting you think a friend has ghosted you, when what you've described could be seen as ghosting them. Maybe she's just as busy as you.

Ghosting - never messaging again, even after double messaging & checking in that everything is ok after a period of months.

Me - Taking 1-2 weeks to reply and then responding and being really apologetic and trying to get a date in to meet up

Feel like two different things?

I'm on the receiving end of some pretty poor communication from friends and I'm sick of it to be honest. I don't bombard them with texts but it shouldn't take a month for your supposed best friend to acknowledge one text that you are life threateningly ill in hospital, for example as happened to me a few months back.

The reality is it takes less than a minute to say "hey, I'm sorry I'm not in touch as much these days but I'm a bit overwhelmed with life. Thinking of you and will be in touch when things have calmed down."

It's ok to say you can't keep chatting on Whatsapp but so many people just completelely ignore a text these days for weeks on end and expect to you pick up right where you left off the next time you bump into them. As patient and understanding as I have been, often for years on end, ignoring someone repeatedly will eventually affect a friendship. It's a shitty feeling to be left on read and there comes a point where you feel "why do I bother?". And then the other party will moan, "what happened to us?" or "I don't have any friends anymore".

Yes. Because you aren't a good friend to the ones you have.

I have different category friends.

Two friends I see on their own every two weeks and we do message quite a bit.

I have two twice a year friends and they get a lot less messages. One of these friends lives abroad so when I see her it’s for quite a while.

I have a once a year school friend and we do Short back and fourth messages and about three long phone calls a year.

I try not do loads of messaging (and they’re the same with me) to my once or twice a year friends.

I had CBT years ago and on the last session I made goals for myself, things I wanted out of life. One of the most important ones was to see at least one friend once a week for a social and I’ve stuck to that.

If I do too many socials I do feel really drained and low in energy even though I am a social person.

But in the 1-2 weeks you are technically ghosting them, they could be thinking HolidayHun2020 hasn't bothered replying so stuff her when she wants something from me. So the bad taste is already setting in when you don't reply.

I'm sorry that happened to you - BUT once again this isn't a blanket thing with me and my responses. A friend messaged hi, how are you? I didn't respond and 24 hours later messaged to say she had lost her job. I messaged back instantly and asked if she needed help and have checked in with her since then and organised a coffee.

So what would be an acceptable time frame for it not to be ghosting?