To think everyone struggles to maintain friendships these days?

[HolidayHun2020]

So I will start by saying I am constantly overhwlemed, I always have so much on my plate (Full time job, young DC, doing a renovation, elderly parents etc etc) I have always tried to be a good friend but recently I know I have become quite bad at responding to messages - it gets to the evening and I am exhausted. I just want to mindlessly scroll, spend time with DH or switch off from the day. I find it really hard to then pick up with friends or respond to messages, especially if we are just 'chatting' on whatsapp. I try and make as much time as possible to get out and see friends but I have had to cut this back due to money and I really burned out - at one point I was doing two evenings after work, a thing or two on the weekend that I would drag DC to or organise play dates with mum friends.

I have just been ghosted by one friend, I suspect because I took too long to respond as per usual and I am really sad. I do try and genuinely feel so guilty for not responding quicker but alot of the time I really don't have it in me and I just put it off.

AIBU to think its not just me who feels like this and on top of my friendships?? I am in my 30s and is this just what happens - your priorities change so friendship circles shrink.

Glad you liked it and hope it helps.

Another piece of advice. Look at what friendship/s it would really hurt you to lose.
If you are taking a week or two to get back to any of those people, you need to nip that in the bud now. In your head you aren't ignoring them... but you ARE and ignoring them for weeks at a time IS damaging the friendship.

And on the flipside...who would you be ok with not seeing as often, if the friendship fizzled out? Are you in contact with them more than someone who matters more to you? Are they taking up more time/energy than they need to?

Op drives me mad oh im so busy. Yep we all are. I felt bit dishearten by friends never text and never commit so i dont bother now. You think if a friend wants meet they will. So yeh i dropped friends off list due to this!

I think it depends on lifestyle. You might spend a work lunch break with a friend who works in the same building or nearby one day, meet up with a friend and their kids at a park/soft play/home on a Saturday Morning, go for a coffee or wander round town with a school mum friend after school drop off on a non working day, go for a Sunday walk with another friend etc. Add in the odd birthday meal, cinema trip, drinks after work/gym etc and it can creep up.

Harder if you work full time or are a single parent.

Yeah, various friends will just text me when they're in town/park/cafe Etc and see if I'm around.
Also meet people for drink/food 1/2 times a week. And usually a more intentional meet up with family friends on weekend.
We live in a town where with a strong sense of community tho and everyone kind of knows one another.

I've essentially got 2 largeish circles of friends. Equestrian friends and car friends.

I'm in my 30's, work 45 hours a week and do my 3 horses twice a day everyday (but no DC) However a 5am start and 8pm home time is a long day Mon-Fri and 7am start every Sat & Sunday means i don't get much rest (i don't want rest!)

I manage to keep up with the group chats daily, and meet up a few times a month, often weekly with various people/small groups. We also go to a lot of events throughout the year. I don't find this a chore at all, my friends are fab!

This is an issue very close to my heart at the moment. Every day this week, I have been in tears because of friends who are 'too busy'. Too busy to message me or reply to me and too busy to meet up, whether I suggest something months ahead or weeks or that same day/week. Yet they are not too busy to see other people. I also have a busy life with work & 3DC, but I would always make time for friends, if I had any.

I find it very hurtful & have reached the point where I feel utterly unlikeable & alone. People will only see me when they come to my (public-facing) work or at DC activities drop off. It is actually destroying me. There must be something very wrong with me but I don't know what.

I think you find time for the things that your value. So I definitely don’t see my friends every week but I do keep in touch with them every week, we text/facetime/call. Totally understand everybody is busy but nobody is too busy to spend 2 minutes replying to a text, it doesn’t take 2 weeks to respond to a message from someone you’d class as a good friend.

@Allthescreens Big hugs to you. This sort of thing can really affect mental health and well being and can take us to a dark place when we keep getting ignored or rejected.

It's not you. People's standards have just really slipped and I think phones have led to people getting dehumanised a bit. The same way that "swiping"'has changed dating...people forget there is another person on the end of the phone and we become just another part of a to-do list they never get round to.

It can be hard when you know you'd never be the same way to a friend.
There's no excuse for it.
But I'm 99% sure it's about them, and their inability to be a decent friend, not you.

I do have a family but not DC. Yes, as I've got older it's harder to maintain friendships. You really do have to make time and schedule things in. With a couple of mum friends who live further away it is hard! Because they have childcare, one's DH works some weekends etc.

If you're talking about mums, my mum friend and NDN (she's now moved) told me she really had to make the effort with her uni friends and friends where she is from (Aberdeen) and arranged yearly meetups with them, but of course, when she moved to London, she gravitated towards school mum friends and then us in her street (non mum friends). Her best old school mum friend really misses her (she told me) as they really got on and clicked as people, rather than being friends for friends sake (like for their DC sake).

Four times a week is completely unsustainable. Even as a single person without a job or children I couldn’t have managed this.

It is hard when you have a family and commitments but I do think we all owe it to our friends not to completely ghost them.

It’s as easy to message: “sorry long day, speak tomorrow” as it is to scroll Instagram. I think people should do as much as they can and not take their friends for granted. But if you were seeing people four times a week and go to nothing the contrast is going to seem more extreme than if you see them once every two months.

Thank you. I certainly hope that's the case. But right now, everyone is doing it to me including my sisters, so I come to the inevitable conclusion that it must be me & I'm unlikeable, unloveable. I keep thinking that nobody would notice if I just quietly moved away 😥

I message friends much less than that but still do meet ups - not 4 times a week though! Probably 1-2 times a week. Also interchange with coffees and dog walks so not just evenings.

Like others I prioritise my friends as they do improve my life. I would always respond in a day though if they do message and they do me too. I probably don't have as many friends as you though! And I don't have a partner, so need to get out to see adults.

But yeah you could also drop a quick reply instead of mindless scrolling, it does only take a min

Do you remember being that drained with young DC and full-time work? Because I do. It's not the time. It's that you reach the end of the day and literally have no energy, bandwidth or capability to respond to any more demands to do or be something for someone else. I'm not there any more, but I 100% remember the state of being so tapped out I could barely engage in basic conversation with my husband, much less summon a reply to someone else.

talking with her throughout the day, every day? That would be way too intense for me!
I think that's the problem,
often. Different people want different types of friendship. Once a week is plenty for
me, with occasional (but
not daily or even weekly) messages

Most people are busy with everyday life.
Friendships like all other relationships require some effort in maintaining.

I'm same age and make the effort with those who do and cba these days with those who don't or are a bit flakey.

It doesn't take long to respond to a message or even record a quick voice note.

If you can waste time scrolling you can send a text... assuming you actually want to be more intentional in friendships, otherwise carry on.

I've culled my friends greatly over the last 5 years.
I have no contact with time wasters and flaky people. Life is much less complicated.
Ditto relatives

I think the issue is about making choices. It's perfectly possible to arrange your lifestyle in your 30s & 40s, with career or family or both demands increasing, should you wish to. But if you take on children AND a career AND renovation AND spending a lot of time with wider family, then obviously you'll have less time to spend with friends or at least communicating with them. If you prefer to do less of the above and make more room for friendships, or other things such as the gym, a hobby, a side hustle, religion, volunteering etc., then you'll have more time for those. You won't be able to do it all at once though, this is the fallacy. Your friends and you will need to be adaptable too, in terms of how and when you see them, and balancing your friendships across new and old, local and far away. So I voted YABU. Arrange your life according to your priorities, as much as you can.

If someone repeatedly didn't text me back for 1/2 weeks, I'd assume they didn't want to be my friend. It's quite rude, really and seems like a sure fire way to upset friends to the point of them not bothering with you.

You have to be a friend to have a friend. If you want to keep friends, you need to find time to get back to them. It doesn't need to be an essay!