To think everyone struggles to maintain friendships these days?

[HolidayHun2020]

So I will start by saying I am constantly overhwlemed, I always have so much on my plate (Full time job, young DC, doing a renovation, elderly parents etc etc) I have always tried to be a good friend but recently I know I have become quite bad at responding to messages - it gets to the evening and I am exhausted. I just want to mindlessly scroll, spend time with DH or switch off from the day. I find it really hard to then pick up with friends or respond to messages, especially if we are just 'chatting' on whatsapp. I try and make as much time as possible to get out and see friends but I have had to cut this back due to money and I really burned out - at one point I was doing two evenings after work, a thing or two on the weekend that I would drag DC to or organise play dates with mum friends.

I have just been ghosted by one friend, I suspect because I took too long to respond as per usual and I am really sad. I do try and genuinely feel so guilty for not responding quicker but alot of the time I really don't have it in me and I just put it off.

AIBU to think its not just me who feels like this and on top of my friendships?? I am in my 30s and is this just what happens - your priorities change so friendship circles shrink.

I like the limiting yourself to one thing a week and having that as a boundry! I think sometimes when people say 'are you free' I always feel bad saying no and then thats where I end up with loads of plans and having a breakdown

Obviously I can't answer that as everyone will have a different opinion on it, but I'd imagine if someone can't drop you a reply within 2 days they are fully choosing not to.

I don't have huge numbers of friends, and the friends I do have live all over the country, so it's not "go for a coffee every week" stuff. But many of my friendships have lasted over 40 years, and they are probably one of the most important things in my life. In fact, 5 of us have just started to have more regular meet ups (travelling up to 100 miles to do so), now that life circumstances have changed somewhat. Make time for your friends, because they are the people who will never let you down.

Do you find you have messaged alot over the years? or has it been more phonecalls/quality time?

I really do try to make the time but I get overhwhelmed with what can feel like constant contact.

It doesn't feel like a choice I honestly find it really overwhelming - also sometimes I think 'I'll reply to that in two minutes' and its slipped down the chat and I have genuinely just forgotten.

How about having a think about what you’d like, so for example to see a different friend every 10 days and then try and think of a way to implement that? Once you’ve made an arrangement with a friend you shouldn’t really need to message each other much as you can say can’t wait to catch up on Good Friday (or whatever).

It's repeatedly advised on here and other forums that if you aren't keen on a friend/acquaintance anymore you should do the "slow fade" and gradually take longer to reply to messages (i.e 1/2 weeks).

I've often thought a "friend" has gone off me and is doing the slow fade only for them to reappear a month (or in once case 18 months!) down the line. In the meantime, I'm grieved a friendship and got in the mindset of accepting it and moving on. Then I have to start back up all over again, most likely only for them to slow fade again after a couple of weeks.

Taking a week or two to reply is giving quite a clear message that your friend isn't important to you. A short message, even one sentence, is better than totally ignoring them for weeks.
If you repeatedly take weeks to respond, don't be surprised if you eventually get ghosted.

They may be ghosting you, but you are repeatedly "zombie-ing" them by ignoring then coming back from the dead. Maybe they just need a clean break to know where they stand.

This is great advice, thank you @FinallyFeb :)

I’ve got a lot of good friends. A mix of childhood friends who I live 250 miles from but still maintain good contact, work colleagues who I socialise with, internet friends (via health / parenting groups) and then local hobby friends. I put effort into maintaining the friendships

How long does it take to text a friend and say I’m having a nightmare few weeks, I’d definitely like to get together when things are less manic and how are you, what’s going on in your life?
What happens with me is that the times my frustration texting is always when I’m on school run/ during dinner or at bed time and by the time I get to message back there’s ten or fifteen messages (because 3/4/5 people are in the conversation), and then I’m like an eejit saying aw sorry that went bad, yay that went good etc. but I do and then I end up saying what my day was like or whatever, but they’re doing something else and there’s radio silence!! It is so difficult op who knew in this age we’d find keeping up difficult!!

Do you feel overwhelmed with other things? Or just this situation with replying to friends?

But you have to time reply to tons of strangers on mumsnet, you could have text your friend in the time it takes to write one post.

Same here. I thought as DC would get older I would have more time but with stretched finances and parents getting older it feels I have even less time and now the desire to go out is dwindling.

I am trying to reframe my mindset. Accepting that this is a different phase in life and just won't include lots of friends. Finding more joy in being at home and trying to accept it. When I do get me time, going for a walk and using that time to send a voice note on WhatsApp to a friend who I still have managed to keep in touch with. A few friends are in the same boat and totally get it. I speak to one friend once a year and we laugh that we need to accept this is the way it will be for a while and we will just pick up where we left. Even if it was a year ago. Also if finding time for dinner or drinks is too much, how about a video call with a cup of tea. That is the compromise and still allows a more meaningful conversation. Doesn't have to be very often at all and a real friend would understand.

Also I’m not in any WhatsApp groups, I message people one to one.

If you have time for mumsnet surely you have time to respond to texts

And also, aware that I'm currently in an emotional state over my own friendships and projecting on your thread, as a practical tip, maybe this is all a sign that you need to re-evaluate your friendships in general?

I make friends really easily and have people "latch on" to me. It lead to me getting overwhelmed in the past as I genuinely couldn't keep up with everyone and I was aware that by prioritising lots of little meet ups here and there with newer friends or acquaintances that I felt a bit sorry for, I had less time for my family and closest friends. It was making me unhappy, and even resentful at times, so I had to be honest with some people, and tell them
I had limited capacity and while I could perhaps manage a coffee every 6/8 weeks, I couldn't do daily back and forth texts and weekly meet ups. Some understood, some didn't and that was the end of things.
I also knew going forward I had to be careful who I gave my contact details to at events/hobbies as I needed to prioritise who I already had in my life instead of people pleasing my way into time consuming relationships because I didn't want to upset relative strangers who'd latched on.

I know my capacity for close friendships is 5 people. It may sound ruthless, but that's all I can manage to be in touch with on a weekly basis...and I'd see two of those a week normally. Then I've got another 10/15 friends I might have text communication with every month to six weeks (more if something is going on) and see in person every 3 months ish (sometimes more, sometimes less). Beyond that it gets unmanageable.

Look at every friendship. Ask yourself "do I really like this person?", "why am I friends with them?", "how often would I like to be in touch with them?", "how? In person, text, phone calls etc?" "how often am I currently in touch and how?"

Look at where you might be prioritising other people out of obligation, fear, not wanting to hurt them over the friends you really genuinely enjoy the company of. Are you repeatedly putting your best friend who is like a sister to you on the back burner for a new, more demanding person you've met at a playgroup for example and who seems a bit lonely?

It's easy for things to spiral out of control and unfortunately you do sometimes have to be ruthless and prioritise some friendships over others. Or admit you can't take on friendships for a period of time.

You need to decide who is worth your time.

This will seem and is brutal but once children are bigger and your parents die you will get more time and those friendships that you have let slide may not be possible to rekindle. Just look at the I’m lonely and it’s so hard to make friends now I’m older threads, they are in here every week.

If it’s just a general update you can always cut and paste and send to multiple people.

Everything is a struggle these days, but you prioritise the things/relationships that are important to you.

I think you have to’make’ time to nurture friendships, as ‘good friends are better than pocket money’ I believe the saying goes.

You will have friends that see you through crises, be there when relationships break down, when children fly the nest, when you just need some company to let your hair down, bereavement and all kinds of triumphs and challenges.

Just letting friendships go is something we all do, then find out it’s a fool’s game when we need them. Look around MN and you’ll see how many people are struggling because they have no family/friends or support of any kind.

Love this @SoOutingWhoCares thank you! I think we sound quite similar - I also make friends really easily and can get in to really intense friendships quite quickly, I feel so guilty saying no to things and end up doing things I dont particularly want to do half the time! I am going to look at my friendships and try and pour a bit more time in to the ones I really value.

Everything at the moment tbh.

I'm in 30s with kids and I don't find it hard to maintain friendships because I highly value them and I don't think it's too hard to text/voice note.
BUT it sounds like you just have too many friends! I have a fair few friends but only a handful or so that im in weekly/daily contact with. My best friend, we talk throughout the day every day. I value her in my life equally to my husband.

Tbh I think you're making excuses, if you have time to post on MN you have time to check in on a friend. It's not like you have to queue at a phone box with a stash of 20p's to make a call. A text takes seconds.

It won't be long before your kids are grown and that happens really quickly believe me and then you might well wish you'd made a bit more of an effort with friends. Oh and that won't be when the kids turn 18, it all starts changing when they're about 10 and you have to start making your own life.

Very hard to make new friends when the kids are at secondary school so prioritise the ones you have.

Reason I'm asking is as someone with ADHD I've had struggles previously with this, but I knew its something I needed to just plough through the overwhelm and not put things off. Was just wondering if its something you're always like, could there be any other areas too.

I definitely see friends at least 4 times a week. It's not that uncommon!

I think its uncommon. I dont know anyone who sees their friends that much once they are an adult with kids.