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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think friend should be doing better by now? It's been two years

63 replies

VividPeachFawn · 05/03/2024 15:52

NC for this one. I've got a friend who's been pouring her heart out for a solid two years about her ex partner leaving her. It was genuinely heart-wrenching for her, and to make matters more complicated, he's now dating AP. From what I've gathered, he told AP he was in an open relationship before getting involved with AP, so I primarily hold him responsible, but AP also shares some part of the blame. The situation is far from ideal.

Dear friend has been keeping a close eye on her ex's new girlfriend online based on the information she's gathered and I believe she's been messaging her. It comes across as a bit obsessive, and I can't help but feel a touch sorry for both of the women. The whole situation is just disheartening.

Dear friend can't seem to stop talking about it. After a full 24 months of hearing the same narrative, we're all quite drained. She pops round now and then to lend a hand, but the conversations inevitably turn into extensive rants about exp and AP. Even over phone/text it often seems she's fishing for comments about how horrible exp is. It's very one-sided, and despite our own work, family, and life troubles, she appears somewhat insensitive to our experiences. She's a SAHM, and he pays her a decent sum, yet she insists there's no time in the day while we're all struggling too. She claims to be in counseling, but it's hard to see any progress. We've offered endless support, and she goes on and on about how hard things are for her but she has never had to work for anything aside from being a mum, which is not a paid job for the rest of us and she gets a full salary from him from what I understand. I believe her bills are paid by him as well.

I'm at a loss for how to help. She's adamant about portraying herself as the victim, but her approach seems to hinder any progress. Frankly, she was always a bit rude about him, even before the separation. I'm torn – should she be in a better state by now, or am I being overly critical? We as her friends can't be the only ones trying to help her forward but if we should be providing more support I would like to.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 05/03/2024 16:09

Tell her....

Say look i really want to be supportive but time to get a grip. Talking about him is draining for both of us. So from now on. Every time his/her name is mentioned we shout "bananas" our safe word and change the conversation. It isn't healthy for you or me!
Leta start having fun together i stead

telestrations · 05/03/2024 16:13

It's perfectly fair to tell her pretty much what you've written here. And actually in her interest even if she doesn't take it that well, which she likely won't

SwankyJim · 05/03/2024 16:15

YANBU.
Portraying herself as a victim over and over will not help her at all. It’s gone and over, time for her to stop dredging it up and making this the most important part of her.
Obviously she might not agree, as being a victim is a very now thing, encouraged by SM.

You should say something, even if she wants to carry on with this you don’t have to be a part of it.

jennylamb1 · 05/03/2024 16:17

Used to have a friend who did the same a good two years after splitting with her boyfriend. Drifted away from her in the end, I do think that it gets to a point where it's not normal and it's not like there's even anything new to say at that point. Another friend wrote letters to loads of other friends after splitting with her boyfriend, I think because he was cheating on her and she felt that everyone else knew and should have told her or stepped in in some way. Not normal.

NotestoSelf · 05/03/2024 16:17

Her income/its source etc is irrelevant, and I think you should deal with your own obvious emotions about that. Also, you can't make her move on in her head. What you absolutely can do is tell her that you've heard enough, you feel your relationship has become lopsided from so much listening and empathising, and that you want to return to meetings on a more even footing, where you both take it in turns to talk about your lives.

clairelouwho · 05/03/2024 16:18

YANBU at all.

I think it's time to have an honest chat with her and tell her what you think/feel. She's probably not going to respond very well to it-people who want to remain in the victim role in their lives often don't like it pointing out to them-but it needs to be said.

If she distances herself from you, maybe that will be for the best. It sounds like you've listened a lot and been there for her as much as you can reasonably be expected to.

It might even be the kick up the arse that she needs. I wonder if it's all just become a habit for her now and she needs someone to remind her of that.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 05/03/2024 16:20

My friend does this with her ex husband which is tricky because he is my friend too - in fact, l introduced them to each other.

Just means l don't see her as much as we used to.

Therealjudgejudy · 05/03/2024 16:21

She sounds draining. Time to have an honest word.

KreedKafer · 05/03/2024 16:21

Not sure what AP stands for here - do you mean that he had an affair and 'AP' is the woman he had an affair with?

Regardless of that, though, YANBU at all. Of course she went through a horrible experience and of course she was devastated by the split, but two years on, she should have other things to talk about and she shouldn't be letting her bitterness over what happened consume her every waking hour and dominate her conversation. She's basically made being the victim of a break-up into her entire identity/personality, and that's not remotely healthy for her (in addition to being tedious for everyone else).

It's understandable that she's still angry and hurt - who wouldn't be? But after two years, it shouldn't be all-consuming like this and she should be accepting that what's done is done and maintaining a bit of dignity about it. This intensity would be normal in the immediate aftermath but two years on, she should have room for other things in her head, heart and conversation.

Dragonrider2 · 05/03/2024 16:22

It can take many many years to get over a break up, it's a traumatic event. However, there's nothing left to talk about. It's all been discussed before. She does need the truth here.

Cheeesus · 05/03/2024 16:23

Do we need to know what AP is? Not sure if it’s A Person/Partner or a thing.

MBappse · 05/03/2024 16:25

I'd like to know what AP is... sorry!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/03/2024 16:25

Yanbu. Can you say to her that as much as you want to support her, you're not sure that re-hashing the same things over and over are helping her, you are concerned that by doing this she is living in the past rather than trying to move on. That you're worried that she is stuck in the same stage of her grief and ask if she has any ideas how you could help her move on

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 05/03/2024 16:28

AP means Affair Partner

Londoner256 · 05/03/2024 16:28

AP means the affair partner or ‘other woman’

thebear1 · 05/03/2024 16:35

How long were they together? I wouldn't necessarily expect someone to get over a relationship breakdown in two years, especially if it is a long relationship. However I would expect them to talk about other things and be interested in their friends lives. If conversation is just about them it's not really a friendship.

Original poster
VividPeachFawn · 05/03/2024 16:43

KreedKafer · 05/03/2024 16:21

Not sure what AP stands for here - do you mean that he had an affair and 'AP' is the woman he had an affair with?

Regardless of that, though, YANBU at all. Of course she went through a horrible experience and of course she was devastated by the split, but two years on, she should have other things to talk about and she shouldn't be letting her bitterness over what happened consume her every waking hour and dominate her conversation. She's basically made being the victim of a break-up into her entire identity/personality, and that's not remotely healthy for her (in addition to being tedious for everyone else).

It's understandable that she's still angry and hurt - who wouldn't be? But after two years, it shouldn't be all-consuming like this and she should be accepting that what's done is done and maintaining a bit of dignity about it. This intensity would be normal in the immediate aftermath but two years on, she should have room for other things in her head, heart and conversation.

Yes! Apologies for that,. She says he had an affair and the new girlfriend was his affair partner. I'm skeptical about that considering she tends to bend the truth (she thinks we're oblivious, but as friends who are trying to help we do talk about these things amongst ourselves), so I take it with a pinch of salt.

You're spot on about it defining her entire persona. I know she possesses more depth than that and would love to see her thrive again. They were together for a good ten years if not a bit longer, so I do expect it to take some time, but her behaviour today is the same as when it first happened and it does surprise me.

OP posts:
Original poster
VividPeachFawn · 05/03/2024 16:47

NotestoSelf · 05/03/2024 16:17

Her income/its source etc is irrelevant, and I think you should deal with your own obvious emotions about that. Also, you can't make her move on in her head. What you absolutely can do is tell her that you've heard enough, you feel your relationship has become lopsided from so much listening and empathising, and that you want to return to meetings on a more even footing, where you both take it in turns to talk about your lives.

Yes, that's true. Thank you for flagging that. I must say, I wouldn't mind having someone paying my bills! I don't say that to her of course. But I mentioned it here primarily to underscore that she is complaining about wanting more (part of the house she didn't contribute toward, etc.) without realising that the rest of us have to work for what we have, and there is added pressure with working and parenting.

OP posts:
Latenightreader · 05/03/2024 16:55

I had a friend in a similarly draining situation, but in her case she left a job in unpleasant circumstances due to a bad employer. She would spend an hour or more on the phone most days on the same subject and in the end I said she could talk about it for 15 minutes, but then neither of us were allowed to mention it again. I framed it as for her benefit, but it did us both good. She's now long past that situation thankfully, and said later how having a cut off had helped her.

idontlikealdi · 05/03/2024 16:57

MIL is like this and we are 20 years on, it is fucking draining.

TinyCheeseGrater · 05/03/2024 16:57

I think you’re being unreasonable about the money. Money doesn’t mean it’s easier to get over the trauma that this has obviously caused for her. You sound a little unsympathetic because she’s getting money from him, jealous even, which as a friend, is very unkind.

I would expect her to be in a better place after 2 years though, so I’d be very concerned if I was her friend. I’d suggest changing to a different therapists as she doesn’t seem to be making progress. Sometimes people do get ‘stuck’ in the process of dealing with something like this and need help to move along.

lambhotpot · 05/03/2024 18:14

Some people cant just wake up and its all over for them some of us have been treated so bad they're still there in their minds still taunting them.
Its hard for some and easy for others.
Maybe you are good mates but maybe she really just wants someone to blabber everything of to to get it out with out being judged.
Or asked to get therapy.

Delphiniumandlupins · 05/03/2024 18:21

They're obviously still very involved if he is funding her, not suggesting he shouldn't be.

Are there things about her you do like/admire? Hobbies or activities you used to share? Maybe you could tell her how much you miss the fun you used to have and, although you sympathise, you don't feel she is happy or healthy being so invested in her ex. You want to help her move on and make the most of her life. You may have to be blunt and say you won't keep having the same conversations over and over.

Sharontheodopolodous · 05/03/2024 18:23

I have a mate who's similar

In her case,she made friends with a bloke who wanted to be a cocklodger but she didn't want him

He would come round to hers and help himself to stuff/get pissed/smoke a shit ton of weed on her dime

It all came to a head when he promised his dd her ds's desk

She blew up at him and told him to fuck off

If I get one more fucking message about that bloody desk,I'll lose it

I'm talking 40+ messages a day about it-ive never seen this bloody desk but I feel I know it inside out

It's been 5 years-she needs to let it ago but won't

Part of the problem is she has nothing else in her life so dwells on it and I get the messages

I'm starting to distance myself as I don't care about this desk,but I do care about her

Shinyandnew1 · 05/03/2024 18:23

she gets a full salary from him from what I understand. I believe her bills are paid by him as well.

Missing the point here rather, but he pays her a full salary and all her bills and they weren’t even married?! Wow!

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