To think friend should be doing better by now? It's been two years

[VividPeachFawn]

NC for this one. I've got a friend who's been pouring her heart out for a solid two years about her ex partner leaving her. It was genuinely heart-wrenching for her, and to make matters more complicated, he's now dating AP. From what I've gathered, he told AP he was in an open relationship before getting involved with AP, so I primarily hold him responsible, but AP also shares some part of the blame. The situation is far from ideal.

Dear friend has been keeping a close eye on her ex's new girlfriend online based on the information she's gathered and I believe she's been messaging her. It comes across as a bit obsessive, and I can't help but feel a touch sorry for both of the women. The whole situation is just disheartening.

Dear friend can't seem to stop talking about it. After a full 24 months of hearing the same narrative, we're all quite drained. She pops round now and then to lend a hand, but the conversations inevitably turn into extensive rants about exp and AP. Even over phone/text it often seems she's fishing for comments about how horrible exp is. It's very one-sided, and despite our own work, family, and life troubles, she appears somewhat insensitive to our experiences. She's a SAHM, and he pays her a decent sum, yet she insists there's no time in the day while we're all struggling too. She claims to be in counseling, but it's hard to see any progress. We've offered endless support, and she goes on and on about how hard things are for her but she has never had to work for anything aside from being a mum, which is not a paid job for the rest of us and she gets a full salary from him from what I understand. I believe her bills are paid by him as well.

I'm at a loss for how to help. She's adamant about portraying herself as the victim, but her approach seems to hinder any progress. Frankly, she was always a bit rude about him, even before the separation. I'm torn – should she be in a better state by now, or am I being overly critical? We as her friends can't be the only ones trying to help her forward but if we should be providing more support I would like to.

Your friend has become a bit of a drag and is draining you with her support needs. You are entitled to feel that. What you shouldn't be trying to do is assuage your guilty feelings about that by rewriting the narrative to make her less of a victim. Her husband betrayed her and left her. The fact she may have moaned about him and that the OW didn't know he was in an exclusive relationship is completely irrelevant to that. As is whether she's done a paid job or not. If she's outstayed her welcome at the sympathy hotel, you need to find a way to tell her that. What you shouldn't be doing is minimising what happened to justify it. That's not fair.

I agree with this, suggest she seeks a new therapist and be quite frank that she is risking alienating friends by still being so consumed by the past (am sure you can word it better than that!)

Maybe practice the grey rock technique a bit, so don’t actively engage when she’s fishing - for example “Hmmm, I’m not sure what else I can say that I haven’t said before” then divert the conversation.

But ultimately if your friendship has become focused around a single issue, I’d start to disengage.

This is such a horrible read. There's no time limit on grief and she's still processing everything that happened. If he'd died it actually would have been easier but instead the heartache goes on because he's very much living his new life.

She definitely needs therapy for support to move forward and heal but telling her to get a grip as has been suggested is cold and thoughtless.

Reverse ?

Tell her you're worried about her as she doesn't seem to be any further on than she was 2 years ago, and you think she needs to find a new counsellor.

One thing I always point out when "bitter" ex wives are brought up on here us that if you've been left with the day to day care of the kids, that's new every day. That didn't happen in the past and is over with. The other parent's absence is a reality every day, every issue where you need to be in two or three places at once, every time you have to bundle the kids in the car to get milk cos you can't leave them at home, every time one of them has a problem and you have to advocate for them or figure out the best approach. Whether it's two years, five or ten that won't change. It's not bitterness to be massively fucked off by that.
Having said that, I do agree that there can be boundaries about how long you vent for and to whom and there's nothing wrong with gently suggesting that she focus on aspects of the situation she does have control over.

I don't think you've mentioned whether there are any children involved in this OP? Assuming that there aren't, then perhaps it would be a good idea to suggest that she gets herself a job, or does some charity work. Explain that you think this would be good for her, as it would give her something else to think about, and talk about, and would be a step forward in her recovery.

I once worked with a woman who was utterly obsessed with hating her ex-partner. He'd cheated on her while she was pregnant and then married the woman he cheated with, and then of course my ex-colleague had to co-parent with the pair of them.
She was consumed with how terrible they were, and absolutely infuriated that her dc had a good relationship with their stepmother. She told me about it all in great detail, as though it had happened yesterday. It had been FOURTEEN YEARS. What a waste of her life.

Holy crap, I think I know who you're talking about.

Only kidding, this just resonates so much with me. I had a friend that wouldn't shut up about it for about six years, until we had a friendship break-up over something else. I was so relieved to never have to hear that man's name again, or listen to another bloody monologue about him.

I'd phase out tbh - she sounds really boring.

The OP says she is a SAHM.

I have a friend who constantly talks about her ex, who she divorced over twenty years ago.

Tbh, 2 years post separation is no time at all, and most women who’ve been left by their dh are not fully over it in this time frame. It’s hugely traumatic, and some never really heal. But, I would say that your friend should read the audience, and pick who she wants to lean on for support with care. When my dh left me, I got an idea as time went on who I could sometimes rant to when feeling down. Maybe you should just tell her that you’re not really interested in listening to it now. If you vocalise that you’re fed up of hearing about it all now she’s two years down the line, she will then learn not to mention it around you.

Really would you honestly say this to a friend?

My friend was cheated on by her husband repeatedly and it split their marriage up over 25 years ago. At the time she had 2 young kids and was devastated. The devastation became anger and it consumed her. Hating her ex DH and ensuring her kids hated him too was her main focus.

Her diatribes about what he said/did never lessened and it tough to listen to, there was no reasoning with her.

She was a lovely woman, aside of this, funny, loving and kind but as the kids grew up, she found solace in the bottle and then total oblivion, finally passing away 6 years ago.

On reflection I wish I had been tougher and more honest with her instead of hoping a listening ear would allow her to vent it all away. She needed to be told as your friend does to not let him determine her future and to focus on the new life she can create.

How can you possibly say it would have been easier if he'd died? That is a dreadful thing to say and incredibly belittling to widows.

I am supporting a friend who is divorcing and it’s coming up to two years, also as her DH had an affair. We do talk about it but not all the time but she has other things jn her life, being a FT secondary school teacher being one of them. She needs somethung else in her life and you need to tell her. I do not mean dating either.

My dad, widowed reasonably young, said the same thing (that a marriage breakdown can be harder).

Is it a “full salary and all her bills” or is it child maintenance and him paying the mortgage (on a house that he still owns half of and needs to pay towards anyway) and the bills to keep a roof over his DC’s head, while his ex brings them up?

After he had an affair and left her, after she’d made herself financially vulnerable by being a SAHM (which I presume benefited both of them) and she is still providing full-time childcare (that makes his life easier).

Your wording is a hit strange, that’s all.

I doubt it will work if you try to have some kind of big chat about this. I’d focus on the one person you can control: you. Tighten up your boundaries. Stop being a willing and satisfying audience. Change the subject every time she brings it up.

Your poor friend having a MN thread about her continuing sadness. If you find it boring you don’t have to engage but she can’t just switch off her feelings of grief - it sounds like she can’t cut the guy out of her life either so it’s always there. If only there were grief support sessions for break ups.

I agree with @scribblyscribbles work out what you can change about you rather than trying to change her.

Well I was still crying at least once a week over my ex after two years. So I don't think it's too long. I grieved for ten years.

On the other hand I wasn't stalking him on Facebook and had no knowledge of his life.

I think I'd tell her bluntly she's really just continuing to harm herself this way. Maybe she doesn't really want to heal at the moment - maybe she feels like this is all she has left to cling to.

I'd encourage her in new hobbies too.

I agree with everyone advising that you should gently (but firmly) tell her that it is time to move on, and time to change the dynamic of your friendship back to a more equal and jointly supportive footing! And - I wonder if she could do with some CBT therapy/training if she hasn’t had some already - so good for finding coping mechanisms and positive ways of moving forward. Sounds like she could really do with other things to focus on - maybe a challenge of some sort… a sporting event or some charity work if she doesn’t want an actual job. Sounds like she needs to be busier and have more positive things in her life that she can be excited about…

She's obsessed, I couldn't keep up being friends there is only so much understanding people can take