To think friend should be doing better by now? It's been two years

[VividPeachFawn]

NC for this one. I've got a friend who's been pouring her heart out for a solid two years about her ex partner leaving her. It was genuinely heart-wrenching for her, and to make matters more complicated, he's now dating AP. From what I've gathered, he told AP he was in an open relationship before getting involved with AP, so I primarily hold him responsible, but AP also shares some part of the blame. The situation is far from ideal.

Dear friend has been keeping a close eye on her ex's new girlfriend online based on the information she's gathered and I believe she's been messaging her. It comes across as a bit obsessive, and I can't help but feel a touch sorry for both of the women. The whole situation is just disheartening.

Dear friend can't seem to stop talking about it. After a full 24 months of hearing the same narrative, we're all quite drained. She pops round now and then to lend a hand, but the conversations inevitably turn into extensive rants about exp and AP. Even over phone/text it often seems she's fishing for comments about how horrible exp is. It's very one-sided, and despite our own work, family, and life troubles, she appears somewhat insensitive to our experiences. She's a SAHM, and he pays her a decent sum, yet she insists there's no time in the day while we're all struggling too. She claims to be in counseling, but it's hard to see any progress. We've offered endless support, and she goes on and on about how hard things are for her but she has never had to work for anything aside from being a mum, which is not a paid job for the rest of us and she gets a full salary from him from what I understand. I believe her bills are paid by him as well.

I'm at a loss for how to help. She's adamant about portraying herself as the victim, but her approach seems to hinder any progress. Frankly, she was always a bit rude about him, even before the separation. I'm torn – should she be in a better state by now, or am I being overly critical? We as her friends can't be the only ones trying to help her forward but if we should be providing more support I would like to.

I agree with this, also, that it can be traumatic breaking up, especially when cheating was involved. It can take many years to adjust to a new reality.

So, although yes it's getting too much for you, I'd say whatever you decide to say with empathy, emphasise that you understand and care, but feel it would help her as well as you to have set times for venting, but more times for distraction and fun!

Going against the grain here but I think the info about him paying all her bills etc IS relevant... perhaps if she had to go out to work she'd have less time to sit and obsess about the ex and get herself so worked up!

It's a VERY different scenario, but your post reminded me of the end of this clip.

Sometimes you just have to say that enough is enough!

https://youtube.com/shorts/0GdG0nLC56I?si=kbLjJLnSBNSvR6_l

It's really hard when you have children and therefore a link to the person who treated you so badly. You can't just completely distance yourself from this person who caused so much pain. It's still horrible of course but when there are no children involved you can have a clean break and not need to know anything about the other person's life.

I think it's entirely understandable that only two years on, she still has a lot of anger and pain. And the jealousy on display over the money he is giving her- she is bringing up their child so she is entitled to something, surely? Although by not working in paid employment she is putting herself in a precarious position should he pull the plug on that arrangement.

I totally get as a friend that it's draining and you've a right to say enough and not want to deal with it to this extent. It's unusual for her to be venting to this degree at this stage. But she's not wrong to feel the way she feels. She would be better off trying to move on and build a better life for herself now though.

She sounds like a record on repeat and a complete drain on your emotional energy. I would be honest and say that the dialogue between you has to change or you will regretably be taking steps to protect your own mental health by seeing her less.
Think of the situation as a lifeguard who cannot rescue the drowning person who threatens to drown them both.

She may be depressed or neurodivergent and may need support with her mental health before she can move on?

It sounds like she’s stuck in a pattern of venting to you and it’s causing you to resent her. It’s become a very unbalanced relationship. Your role is to listen to her rants and agree. You’ve said it’s draining and it sounds it.

I'm at a loss for how to help

You can’t. You’re not her therapist. Providing an audience for her ‘extensive rants’ isn’t helping her either. It might have been useful 2 years ago, right after it happened. Now it’s become a really bad habit.

You could buy this book for her ;- https://www.amazon.co.uk/Win-Your-Breakup-That-Away-ebook/dp/B09NCDR3X3

She needs to get a job or volunteer to fill her time.
Her finances are taken care of and it sounds like she just has too much time on her hands to mope.
Thankfully she is not my friend as I wouldn't have put up with this level of communication about a break up for two years!

She sounds very stuck and would benefit from trying to propel her own life forward in some way with new experiences, challenges and opportunities. I’d find it all very draining and would distance myself.

Agree.

I understand this and sympathise - I've been going through something similar with a friend. The difference is she's the one who had the affair and it soon became apparent that her AP was and still is emotionally abusive towards her. She can't leave, her whole life is a mess and it's all I ever hear about from her. She never asks about me or my life. It's a very one sided relationship and I find it very draining. I did tell her a year ago that I couldn't listen to it any more as I felt I had nothing more to add and it was affecting my own mental health. It helped for a while and she stopped talking to me about it but inevitably the topic will still come up. I practice the grey rock method a lot!!
I think you need to be honest with her but in a kind and supportive way.

Read half, jumped to the end.

A friend of mine's DH left her 16 years ago.

That event still clouds everything about her life; even more traumatic than breast cancer.

She went on and on and on and on about it. We (me plus other friend) got heartily sick if it, especially as she ignored all our well meant advice about things like family finance. She dies at least now admit she'd listened to us a bit more.

He, of course, had OW, now married to her.

But it is exhausting listening to it month after month.