To feel a bit hurt DH didn’t check when Mothers’ Day was?

[KT8282]

Background: I have a 2yo and a young baby, currently doing pretty much everything with the baby as I’m on ML and he’s EBF so would be doing night feedings anyway. I sleep in a room with baby, who wakes 2-3x a night and I’m a crappy sleeper, often awake from the last feed so I’m constantly tired. DH works FT and has been doing most of the nursery pick up/drop off with 2yo but as child is a great sleeper DH gets 8-9h mostly uninterrupted sleep. I spend all day (and all night) with the baby, who is pretty laid back but it’s still knackering being constantly ‘on’. 2yo strongly favours DH at the minute, which DH knows leaves me feeling rather rejected at times.

I wanted to check with DH whether he had planned anything on Sunday as I wanted to also organise something with my own mother. I get a ‘not that I’m aware of’ and it transpires he knew MD was coming up but had not bothered to find out when it was. I told him I was a bit hurt he couldn’t be bothered to check the date, nevermind think about doing something, and was informed he’d have figured out it was MD by the weekend. He’s now asked me if there is anything I would like but it’s not something I particularly want to have to plan, it sort of defeats the object if I plan how to celebrate myself! Last year I organised a surprise picnic for fathers’ day despite having terrible pregnancy nausea.

I’m having a bit of a rough time atm mentally-I’m a bit up n down emotionally, not quite PND but definitely not myself, mostly due to tiredness and also my 2 best friends being utterly rubbish at communicating and being there for support (dreadful comms is a very long term problem for both of them). DH is aware of all of this.

AIBU to think DH could have given this more thought knowing how crap I feel atm?

Honestly, OP, I think you're focusing on the wrong thing. You two need to rejig things so that you get more sleep, however that is achieved. Mother's Day is a minor decorative issue you're placing too much emphasis on because you're making so many sacrifices for your children at this point, and it's left your marriage feeling lopsided.

I don't think he's done anything wrong, it's Tuesday, it's highly likely he would have known before Sunday, and he's asked what you would like and will likely arrange something.

I think your general mood is probably contributing to feeling pissed off about this.

Sorry you're feeling so crappy though op, it's not easy sometimes 💐

Plenty will say you are but no, YANBU in my opinion. It’s not a big ask to plan something nice for your wife and the mother of your two small children.

I don’t understand the people claiming she’s being unreasonable. She grew two children in her body for this man then preceded to push them out of her vagina. After that, she dedicated her entire life to raising, caring and advocating for them.

The least he could do is organise a bloody lunch to say thank you!

Mother's Day is early this year. I think a lot of people (not just the blokes) will suddenly realise on Saturday afternoon.
As you are tired would you really want to "do" something? (ie going out for a meal or whatever)
He asked what you would like? So tell him.

Depends.

We aren't big on these kind of things (daddy will take kids out to pick me a card and a little gift and we'll have a take away in the evening but that's the extent of it)

What is the usual thing for your family for Mother's day / occasions in general?

Yawn.

Focus on what matters - that's support and a good relationship all the time.

Not an bollocks date in a calendar when you are SUPPOSED to do something otherwise you are bad. It's princess behaviour.

Asking whether there's anything you would like is entirely reasonable. Every year we see people on here complaining that mother's day didn't meet their expectations, but men are not mind-readers. It doesn't mean you have to organise it - he just wants to know whether you want breakfast in bed, lunch out, a trip somewhere, a big bunch of flowers or chocolates. If you really want a surprise, say so (but mention any constraints eg not wanting to leave the house before 10am, being back for 2 year old's nap so they don't get out of kilter).

The Op and her DH should be negotiating a more equable share of parenting gruntwork at the moment, so that she gets more sleep, as she's clearly absolutely exhausted. That would be a better acknowledgement of her parenting work than a tokenistic 'thank you' lunch out before returning to business and usual where one spouse gets a good night's sleep and the other is sleepwalking through her days.

It's princess behaviour.

Seeing SO much of this on here atm. It's embarrassing

One day isn’t going to change anything. I agree with others, you need to sort out a fairer division of labour and how you can get more sleep.

I think asking what you would like to do is reasonable, he didn’t ask you plan it. So many times on here people complain as they didn’t like what their partner had chosen to do for birthdays etc. I always ask my husband if he has any special requests or really wants to do a specific thing.

It is only Tuesday today.

It's not princess behaviour the poor woman just wants a mental break and something nice to look forward to after months of having a person suck on her tits all hours of the day and night. This period, and 2 under 2, is horrific and exhausting. Why can't women just have each others backs ffs.

In your opinion (and relationship?).

It seems OP would be happy with a little bit of thought and a lunch.

I don’t think yabu.

I’ve receiving countless emails for weeks about Mother’s Day, several being about would I like to opt out of receiving emails about it. Most who have gone to a grocery store would have seen signage about Mother’s Day with the date. Mother’s Day is always in March and on a Sunday. Many people have phones with calendars.

Saying that, I have a tradition for Mother’s Day that would get me flamed by some which is to go out on my own for the day. I can’t do that this year with DC3 being 4 mo and her still learning to settle with DH for longer periods so I’ve told him what I plan on doing instead and will do a day out for the Mother’s Day that my home country celebrates in May. When I did mention what I wanted to do, he said he only realised Mother’s Day was this upcoming Sunday, on the Sunday that just passed.

He still has time to plan something though. Tell him what you would like and leave him to sort it.

I'm a mum, and a grandma, and until yesterday I don't realise Mother's Day was this weekend. I thought it was the weekend after, and only realised when someone mentioned it. It's very early this year and unless you look for the date it's easy to miss it. You'd undoubtedly feeling a little fragile right now and I can see why you're upset, but i think maybe you're overthinking this one a little.

She grew two children in her body for this man then preceded to push them out of her vagina. After that, she dedicated her entire life to raising, caring and advocating for them.

Ick. Was she coerced? Did she not want the children herself? Is he not also going to be dedicating his life to raising, caring and advocating for them? Making a fetish/martyrdom of motherhood is nauseating and completely unnecessary.

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OP, your 2 year old will probably flip between you and your husband in preference and it's normal. Mine did this too. I think this is what's heightening your sensitivity towards mothers' day. I think that men don't plan in the same way that women do, not right, not wrong, just different.

You don't have to plan this yourself but if you do have something in mind that you would like to do or receive then tell him. Ditto with letting him know what you need regarding care of you and the children if there's something that he's not already taking care of. Better that than disappointment.

Hope you have a great day.

Hard agree. Bottle feed the baby a bit? Do whatever you need to get more sleep? You don't say how old the little one is so it's hard to judge.

I also just found out it was Mother's Day this weekend - I thought it was next weekend! I think I've only seen one email about it so far, and I subscribe to a lot of crap.

Sorry you're feeling dejected, it would be nice to be treated and have something to look forward to. Luckily your DH has a few more days to sort something out! I hope he pulls it out the bag.

2yo strongly favours DH at the minute, which DH knows leaves me feeling rather rejected at times.
I had two under two, and this is very ordinary, if it helps. But now my DD has just turned 4 and only wants me! Which is a practical nightmare because I'm the preferred parent for both of them 😅

I’m not at all upset that nothing has been planned, rather just the lack of thought and awareness. A card from the kids and maybe having breakfast made for me would have been absolutely fine. I’m usually very low maintenance about this sort of thing and actually very easily pleased by small gestures, I had just expected a bit more thought considering DH knows I’m having a rough time.

I know! Only on mumsnet though ..

Well, I had no idea it was Mother's Day this Sunday until an ad came on tv last night. I only remember roughly when Father's Day is because it's around my father's birthday. I can honestly say I have never planned anything for Fathers Day more than a day or two before, if that.

It seems to me quite normal not to have thought about it by the Monday/Tuesday of that week.

Yabu. Only learnt myself last night when dd returned from brownies. It's just a day and your children are too young to make a fuss of you. It's only Tuesday and now he knows maybe he can let you sleep in Sunday. Some sleep would really help. I never understand anyone wanting breakfast in bed ..crumbs in bed .yuk.

@KT8282 did you actually say to him "breakfast in bed would be nice ....maybe pancakes, cream and fruit" (or whatever you like obviously).
You said you didn't want to organise something - well you don't have to. He asked what you would like. You didn't tell him. How is he meant to organise something if you don't tell him what you would like to do.
(and before anyone says he should know - people do like to do different things from time to time. My first mother's day was a picnic in the park - but it was April then - not just days into March. So I wouldn't want that this year)

I will get more recognition from twins preschool (in fact I got given 2x seeds in pots that they planted today so that’s sorted already) than I will from DH. I decided this year I’m not mentioning it to him and will see if he picks up on it - not just for me but for his own mum (who recently had a hysterectomy for cancer) and I’m fairly sure it will pass by with not a single thing being planned or executed for either of the mothers in his life!!