To feel a bit hurt DH didn’t check when Mothers’ Day was?

[KT8282]

Background: I have a 2yo and a young baby, currently doing pretty much everything with the baby as I’m on ML and he’s EBF so would be doing night feedings anyway. I sleep in a room with baby, who wakes 2-3x a night and I’m a crappy sleeper, often awake from the last feed so I’m constantly tired. DH works FT and has been doing most of the nursery pick up/drop off with 2yo but as child is a great sleeper DH gets 8-9h mostly uninterrupted sleep. I spend all day (and all night) with the baby, who is pretty laid back but it’s still knackering being constantly ‘on’. 2yo strongly favours DH at the minute, which DH knows leaves me feeling rather rejected at times.

I wanted to check with DH whether he had planned anything on Sunday as I wanted to also organise something with my own mother. I get a ‘not that I’m aware of’ and it transpires he knew MD was coming up but had not bothered to find out when it was. I told him I was a bit hurt he couldn’t be bothered to check the date, nevermind think about doing something, and was informed he’d have figured out it was MD by the weekend. He’s now asked me if there is anything I would like but it’s not something I particularly want to have to plan, it sort of defeats the object if I plan how to celebrate myself! Last year I organised a surprise picnic for fathers’ day despite having terrible pregnancy nausea.

I’m having a bit of a rough time atm mentally-I’m a bit up n down emotionally, not quite PND but definitely not myself, mostly due to tiredness and also my 2 best friends being utterly rubbish at communicating and being there for support (dreadful comms is a very long term problem for both of them). DH is aware of all of this.

AIBU to think DH could have given this more thought knowing how crap I feel atm?

So when DH asked what you would like why didn't you just say you wanted a card and breakfast made for you? That's not doing the planning, that's just stating your preferences.

Then you'll get exactly what you want, rather than DH having to mind read what you might like and getting it wrong based on seventy zillion MN threads

I’m with you on BIB-I can’t stand the thought of crumbs in the bed either. By breakfast I just meant regular breakfast (at the dining table).

All the nice places for lunch are booked up well in advance around here

We're big on mother's days and fathers days in this house, any excuse to celebrate someone is lovely

YANBU you're taking the brunt of the child rearing. Yes this may need changing to be more balanced. But the least he could do is bloody well APPRECIATE that you're taking the brunt.

And asking what someone wants is shite. Why am I the person that has to plan everyone else's birthdays and events then also have to plan my own? Can he not use his own brain to come up with something the mother of children would like?

YANBU

Is it really too much to ask for him to think of something his wife might like to do? It's ridiculous to say 'men are not mind readers'. It's not some random stranger, he should be able to plan something without being told.

Op would baby take a bottle overnight from dh? Whether expressed or formula?
Let him do the feeds overnight Sat/Sun so you can benefit from a full night's sleep? Feeling rested on Sundays for the foreseeable would be a long lasting "present".

Ok @KT8282 you have 4 days to express enough milk for DH to look after your DC all day. I used to do everything for my DC and work full-time so I always asked for mother's day 'off' to do something without a child pestering me as the DC wouldn't understand the concept anyway and meant I could spend guilt free uninterrupted time with my mum or just go and have a peaceful coffee on my own. I'm now divorced so no longer an issue 😆 but that was for other reasons.

So why didn't you say that to him when he asked? I can't stand it when people don't use their words, then moan when people haven't read their minds.

I would still need to get up to pump in the night as I can’t go more than 4-5 hours without either feeding or expressing so decided I may as well just feed him. It’s me getting back to sleep after waking that’s the issue re sleep, which would unfortunately not change if I get up to pump. Overnights are mostly manageable, it’s the additional looking after him in the day that’s tiring as he’s often not a great napper, and then feeling a bit rejected by my son and best friends piled on top that’s making me feel crap atm.

And yet around 50% of MN is from posters who have had a present/holiday/outing/meal/event planned by a loved one who's got it horribly wrong.

And the other 50% if from MNetters who planned the gift/holiday/event/meal and found it wasn't what the recipient wanted.

(OK I may have exaggerated about proportions).

But seriously? If you want something specific then why not just ask, than expect the person to come up with something and potentially get it wrong?

A planned sleep in at weekends to get some more sleep in?

Sounds like you need more emotional support and your oh to take on his share of the parenting. When breastfeeding throughout the night my oh would still get up in the night with me to change nappies pass me baby or get them back off to sleep.
Can you get extra sleep of a weekend? Evening?

He absolutely should be aware of mother's day coming up. Yes we can all be human sometimes and forget or be unprepared. But thise incident should give him a kick up the bum to organise something you'd like for Sunday. I imagine you've been together years so he should know what you like by now. If not in a caring considerate way he could come up with thought out suggestions and ask which you'd prefer.

If you feel unsupported and like he won't deliver on Sunday then definitely sit down for a conversation about it all. It's your relationship set the expectations together about what you truly want. It's not unreasonable to expect the same effort that you put into your relationship reciprocated.

Celebrating the people we love in our lives isn't unimportant or princess behaviour. My oh supports me and shows his love daily whilst also celebrating all the occasions as well. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

It's a made-up holiday and this kind of relationship stress is why I hate these holidays. It's just another day. Tell him what you want to do, stop testing his psychic abilities and then whining when he fails.

EDIT: That sounded way angrier than I meant it to. OP - you are exhausted. Please try and see why that is the crux of the problem, not DH, who has innocently asked what you would like to do.

As your children to whom you are the mother are too young, why does it become the husband's duty ? to sort something for his wife ?

Mothering Sunday, not wives or partners day.

If, on behalf you choose to sort Fathers' Day then that is up to you

I don’t want anything specific though, other than for my DH to have considered the fact I’m feeling pretty low atm and use MD as a nice excuse to cheer me up. If he’d been completely oblivious to MD I’d have been far less miffed, it’s the fact he knew it was coming up imminently and didn’t think to check when it was, knowing I would have appreciated being made to feel special when I feel a bit crap.

I can see it’s pretty split whether I’m being unreasonable so am taking the YABU comments on board, thank you for your thoughts.

You said you wanted to do something with your mum so I wouldn't be too upset now you can

Flips sake.

A bit of thought towards the person you love isn't asking for much.

Fine if you have no mass in it yourself OGLID but the OP does.

Don't be so mean.

Edited: OP , Exhaustion is a killer and other people can seem a little thoughtless and a little oblivious when you are struggling sometimes, even though they (your beloved) don't really mean to be. Whatever happens on Mothers Day for you, I hope it is a good one.

Honestly can't understand how some men - my ex included - can see their supposed loved one crippled through lack of sleep and not do anything to help.

You’re setting him up to fail OP as regardless of what he does now, you’re going to think it wasn’t good enough as it wasn’t planned enough in advance.

If all you want is a card and some breakfast then he doesn’t need to have planned for that already, it’s still 5 days away!

You do sound knackered and that needs to change but I’m really struggling to see what your DH has done wrong so far.

I'm trying to be diplomatic here (unlike a lot of others!) as you've mentioned MH issues.

The day hasn't even happened yet. Most men are very last minute planners so he may well have got you the card and breakfast in bed. However, would you then have started a post about it not being enough?

I was in a similar position last Mother's Day. I explained I wanted to do something nice as I'm a damn great Mum and deserve a whole day to celebrate it.

Yes I am that extra. I do so much for my DS who I adore but I also think I deserve to be treated like a Queen on MD.

Your DH is aware of the day not so just let it go and see what he orgnaises.

@januaryjan

isn't that what Wedding Anniversaries are for / about ?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. He may not be a mind reader but him
asking you what you’d like to do he’s putting it on you to think of something. I don’t believe for one minute that men can’t form a plan themselves without any input. Surely he knows your favourite restaurant or flowers, he must know that you’d (most likely) love breakfast in bed and for him to say he’s taking the kids out to give you time alone. I think It’s the lack of thought I’d find most annoying. It doesn’t mean you’re a princess or hard work or whatever other mumsnetters accuse you of being. You’re tired. You’re a mum. You deserve a break and a treat and to not have to organise it yourself (that’s just more work!)
but also I will add that most people I know have been shocked at how early it is this year.

You aren't his mother!