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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I ruin my grandparents retirement?

64 replies

Firsttimemummy23 · 05/03/2024 09:12

Hi all!

I don't really know where to start my lovely grandad before Xmas and I suddenly feeling extreme guilt about both of their retirement.

Growing up my mum wasn't the best and there was a lot of talks about social getting involved as my mum had got involved with a drunk. My grandparents from what I can remember (my memory is slightly patchy due to me being quite young roughly 11/12 I think) had started to become concerned about my safety and well being after I kept calling them and my uncle when I got scared when they started to fight (bottle smashing on the walls etc) so I asked if i could live with them.

Of course they was happy and never asked my mum for a single penny from her (she was even claiming child benefit when I wasn't living with her so as you can imagine all of this and plus other stuff caused a massive family divide with some of them actually blaming me and calling me vile.

My nan immediately went on the defensive and never spoke to them again, I can't help but feel like I ruined everyone life and if I didn't ask to live with them, everyone would be happy and I wouldn't have ruined their retirement.

I have my own child now and of course she has now has a new bf and she has asked for my daughter to call him "Bambi" I obviously don't feel comfortable doing this as I had many daddy growing up.

I was just wondering if anyone who raised their grandkids did you ever regret it? The guilt I'm feeling so unreal and I can't ask them as they passed away.

OP posts:
Goldx2 · 05/03/2024 09:14

Please don’t feel guilty. None of this is your fault at all and I’m sure your grandparents felt blessed to have you

Appleass · 05/03/2024 09:18

I would have any of my grandkids in a heartbeat, you have nothing to feel quilty for.

Circumferences · 05/03/2024 09:21

No you are not in the wrong here, you didn't ruin anything. They wouldn't have taken you in if they didn't think it was the right thing to do. You were a vulnerable child and they helped you. I'm sure they were very happy to.

Tel12 · 05/03/2024 09:22

I'm sure that you enriched their lives. My grandchildren would always be welcome and your grandparents actions proved that they felt the same. They did their best for you, think of them with love, not everyone has that.

ErrolTheDragon · 05/03/2024 09:24

Children aren't responsible for bad adults. You ruined nothing.

I'm pretty sure your grandparents would have had their retirement spoilt if they'd had to continue to see you suffering in a violent, abusive household. I'm sure you brought them joy. Of course 'everyone' wouldn't have been happy if you'd not asked to live with them. You weren't happy for a start! You GPs can't have been happy to know what was going on. Doesn't sound like your mother was happy either way, unfortunately.

It's a good thing you had them to care for you and defend you.

dottiedodah · 05/03/2024 09:25

They would not have minded.most of us would have our decision in a heartbeat,especially in difficult circumstances like yours .don't worry it's fine

TroysMammy · 05/03/2024 09:28

If it wasn't for your grandparents the other a adults would have ruined your life. Don't feel guilty you were a child and your grandparents did their best for you when your own mother wouldn't.

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 05/03/2024 09:30

Your Nan's actions make it sound like she was quite fiercely protective of you.

She also sounds like she held similar values to you. What would you have done in her situation?

Maybe you were more of a plot twist than they were expecting, but your grandparents actions don't sound like they begrudged or resented you at all.

If 11 year old you could tell they were concerned, I wonder if more was going on behind the scenes? They could have been looking for a way to get you out of that environment even before you asked?

You're not responsible for other people's actions. Not now, and definitely not the actions of adults when you were a child.

It sounds like your Nan had a good sense of healthy boundaries.

TempleOfBloom · 05/03/2024 09:33

If they had negative feelings it would have been towards your Mum, and they may have felt guilt to have had a Dd who behaved as your Mum did.

But it sounds as if they truly loved you and were in your side. And that would have been as happy for them as it was for you.

You are feeling the damage that your Mum caused, feeling that it is your fault and you are not valued.

Try and take what your grandparents gave you: love, and that you were and are precious and you now have that love to pass on to your own kids. And protect and defend them just as your grandmother did you,

I don’t quite understand the Bambi situation but it sounds as if your instincts are to protect your kids: follow your instincts, not others’ manipulation.

DoYouWantMeToBeTheCat · 05/03/2024 09:35

Well I can’t pick “YABU” because I want to give you a big hug, not call you unreasonable! But no, I don’t think that you ruined your grandparents retirement.

i think they loved you, I imagine they cherished the years they had with you and were so proud to watch you mature into a lovely, kind and respectful young woman.

I feel this quite strongly Flowers

no, I don’t think your child should call the new bf Bambi if you don’t want her to! Your child, your boundaries. You’re not responsible for your mum any more - you and your daughter are everything you need.

NamechangedtotellyouImfreeasabird · 05/03/2024 09:35

It sounds like your grandparents loved and cared for you. I hope you can stop blaming yourself. Have you considered getting some therapy to process your feelings around this? It could really help you.

pontipinemum · 05/03/2024 09:36

You have absolutely nothing at all to feel guilty about. Anyone that blamed you is a complete and utter arse!!!

My grandparents had a huge hand in raising me. AFAIK they were happy to do that, and treated me like I was their own. I have had crap from other family over the years that 'I didn't really belong' etc but that is their issue

But no, do not feel guilty. Your GPs were thankfully able to give you a safe environment to live in.

Your child does not need to call whoever this new man is 'bambi' either! I probably wouldn't have dealing with the new man at all. The relationship you choose to have with your mum is up to you and it can be as distant as you like.

If you continue to feel guilt please do seek help. I didn't for a long time and let things eat me up. I wish I had sooner, also if you do. It takes a long time of going to actually start to see results and feel better so stick with it

fruity81 · 05/03/2024 09:43

I have my own child now and of course she has now has a new bf and she has asked for my daughter to call him "Bambi" I

come again?

your nan has a new boyfriend and she wants your daughter to call him…. Bambi?😐

Collywobblewobbles · 05/03/2024 09:48

I'm a bit confused as to who stopped talking to who, and who has a new boyfriend (your nan or mum?) but I echo what everyone else has said here 100%.

You didnt ruin their retirement and you are not to blame for anything. Your grandparents sound wonderful.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 05/03/2024 09:53

None of what happened was your fault and I'm sure your grandparents would tell you that their retirement was all the better for having you safely with them.

Your mother on the other hand should have done better and definitely does not get to decide that your child should call her grandmother's latest boyfriend grandfather, or any variant thereof. He is not her grandfather, and she can call him Dave or whatever his name is, if she has to call him anything.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 05/03/2024 09:55

Btw I'm guessing Bambi is an autocorrect for Bampi (grandad)

PictureFrameWindow · 05/03/2024 09:57

How could anyone chill out when they knew their grandkid was terrified due to abusive behaviour of their parent/step-parent? I don't have grandkids but I can't imagine letting a niece or a nephew go into the care system, I'd find a way to make it work.

Original poster
Firsttimemummy23 · 05/03/2024 09:59

Hi all, sorry it seems Bambi was auto correct but basically wants my LG to call her bf grandad etc.

My grandparents has both sadly passed away and I miss them every day.

As a daughter I can forgive her to a certain degree as a mother especially after having my LG I couldn't even imagine ever leaving her.

Thank you for all your kind words, been getting myself into a state wondering about it.

OP posts:
DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 05/03/2024 10:00

Tel12 · 05/03/2024 09:22

I'm sure that you enriched their lives. My grandchildren would always be welcome and your grandparents actions proved that they felt the same. They did their best for you, think of them with love, not everyone has that.

I could not have put it better! Thank you.

fruity81 · 05/03/2024 10:02

Firsttimemummy23 · 05/03/2024 09:59

Hi all, sorry it seems Bambi was auto correct but basically wants my LG to call her bf grandad etc.

My grandparents has both sadly passed away and I miss them every day.

As a daughter I can forgive her to a certain degree as a mother especially after having my LG I couldn't even imagine ever leaving her.

Thank you for all your kind words, been getting myself into a state wondering about it.

when you say new boyfriend… how new?

Changed18 · 05/03/2024 10:06

I’m sure they loved having you around. Plus from age 11 is a great age. If I was going to look after a grandchild I’d start there. It’s not like they had to do the baby/toddler years all over again.

StrawberryJellyBelly · 05/03/2024 10:08

Op, I’m in a situation where 2 of my grandchildren need me in their life an awful lot due to their very selfish divorced parents and if I could get custody of them I would take it in a heartbeat.

Your grandparents love you and they will only ever be glad they could look after you and give you the love and the life you deserved.

Original poster
Firsttimemummy23 · 05/03/2024 10:09

fruity81 · 05/03/2024 10:02

when you say new boyfriend… how new?

Show quote history

Hmm about 6 years although it's very rocky.

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 05/03/2024 10:11

I don't have gc yet, but what would ruin my retirement is my dc failing their children (when they have them) and I would do anything in my power to right those wrongs.

The only person who ruined anything here is your mother (and her various partners). And it sounds like your gp fixed it in as much as they could.

The way you can honour their memory is in being the mother to your dc that she was not to you.

bushtailadventures · 05/03/2024 10:12

My dgd lives with us (albeit with her mum too) and without a doubt having her here is a blessing. I was also brought up largely by my grandparents and the love I got from them makes me believe that they liked me being there. For a time I lived there with my dd too, and my grandparents adored her.

Your grandparents sound amazing and obviously wanted the best for you, please remember the love they gave you and forget anything else.