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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I ruin my grandparents retirement?

64 replies

Firsttimemummy23 · 05/03/2024 09:12

Hi all!

I don't really know where to start my lovely grandad before Xmas and I suddenly feeling extreme guilt about both of their retirement.

Growing up my mum wasn't the best and there was a lot of talks about social getting involved as my mum had got involved with a drunk. My grandparents from what I can remember (my memory is slightly patchy due to me being quite young roughly 11/12 I think) had started to become concerned about my safety and well being after I kept calling them and my uncle when I got scared when they started to fight (bottle smashing on the walls etc) so I asked if i could live with them.

Of course they was happy and never asked my mum for a single penny from her (she was even claiming child benefit when I wasn't living with her so as you can imagine all of this and plus other stuff caused a massive family divide with some of them actually blaming me and calling me vile.

My nan immediately went on the defensive and never spoke to them again, I can't help but feel like I ruined everyone life and if I didn't ask to live with them, everyone would be happy and I wouldn't have ruined their retirement.

I have my own child now and of course she has now has a new bf and she has asked for my daughter to call him "Bambi" I obviously don't feel comfortable doing this as I had many daddy growing up.

I was just wondering if anyone who raised their grandkids did you ever regret it? The guilt I'm feeling so unreal and I can't ask them as they passed away.

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 05/03/2024 10:12

Your mum who makes insanely poor decisions has a new boyfriend she wants your DD to call to as grandad?

I would question why you have anything to do with your mum or her partners if her behaviour has not stabilised.

As for adults in your life being vile towards you as things that happened when you were a vulnerable child who had to move in with your grandparents - what relation are they to you? Are the normally sane and supportive people or are they generally unpleasant and toxic? I suspect the latter.

Km sure your grandparents lived having you, they wouldn't have offered if they didn't want you to live with them.

Original poster
Firsttimemummy23 · 05/03/2024 10:13

Changed18 · 05/03/2024 10:06

I’m sure they loved having you around. Plus from age 11 is a great age. If I was going to look after a grandchild I’d start there. It’s not like they had to do the baby/toddler years all over again.

In all fairness they kind off did, I basically lived with them as a baby and my mum moved out, they helped her move twice the last time she moved she got herself in debt as she wasn't paying her rent (she was spending all her money to her then boyfriend later husband) so they paid her rent and she gave up the house .. didn't tell me we was moving and saw all my stuff in the skip. Again my grandparents took me in then.

I didn't have the best childhood which is why I am so determined to do so well for my child.

OP posts:
Changed18 · 05/03/2024 10:19

I'm sure you will @Firsttimemummy23. That you're actively thinking about this and putting them first will make a massive difference.

But I still think your grandparents will have been happy to look after you. I think you do miss your kids when they grow up and it would be lovely to look after your grandchild for part of the time as well.

Soontobe60 · 05/03/2024 10:25

It seems like your grandparents did a super job raising you despite your mother being inadequate as a parent. They will have done it out of love for both you and your DM, who was their daughter.
You, and only you, gets to decide what your child will call other family members. If you want your child to call your DMs partner Fred (or whatever his name is) then thats your call. Your DM has no right to insist otherwise.
Take good care of your child - you sound like a lovely mum!

edit: Have you considered having some talking therapy? You’ve had a challenging upbringing, and when children arrive it can bring up all past issues that you may not have come to terms with. maybe speak to your Health visitor or GP

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 05/03/2024 10:37

I agree with the above poster about therapy - it sounds as if you need someone to make you realise that you were the innocent victim in all this and it was not your fault. Your GPs' retirement might not have panned out as they had imagined, but did they imagine anything else, do you think, if they'd always been involved with you? All our lives are different when dch come along, and they had already been parents, if course. The people who blamed you should be ashamed of themselves and you maybe need help to see the truth. Once you accept the truth (that you weren't to blame) the guilt will lift from your shoulders and you'll feel free!

As for the calling him GP - pfft. I'd call him by his name.

Yoyoban · 05/03/2024 10:37

There are plenty of people at fault here - your Mum, her boyfriend, the nasty people who blamed a child. But in NONE of it are you at fault. And the fault is for the way they treated you - not for 'ruining your gp's retirement'. Because there's absolutely nothing to suggest that is how your GPs felt. I'm sure it's not the retirement your GPs planned but that doesn't mean that raising you didn't bring them joy - and frankly it was probably an added blessing to have a good reason to cut off the kind of nasty people who would blame a child for the actions of her mother's drunken boyfriend.

I'm really sorry you had such a difficult childhood and have now lost the people who gave you refuge and stability. Please be kind to yourself in your grief and know that you did nothing wrong in seeking a safe home for yourself.

Oh and no, your mum doesn't get to insist on a name for her bf. You also shouldn't even feel obliged to see her if you don't want to.

Singleandproud · 05/03/2024 10:39

The more you post the more awful your childhood seems, I'm so sorry you went through that.

I think your grandparents would have been desperately disappointed in your mother and how she treated you and the choices she made. Although often those decisions and poor decision making don't come in isolation - something must have happened in her own childhood or getting involved with the 'wrong crowd' as a teen / young women. But it sounds like they loved you dearly. You were not responsible for the actions of your mother. You were not responsible for your grandparents taking you in. They loved you and saw the disaster you were living in and rescued you. That may not be the way they planned their retirement but it's not unusual for grandchildren to live with grandparents for lots of different reasons.

I suggest therapy to support you, alot of feelings are going to surface now you have your own child and removing anyone in your life who is causing you drama and not treating you right

Herdinggoats · 05/03/2024 10:55

No you didn’t. I’m sure they both enjoyed having you around and were relieved as well to know that you were safe and looked after.

Beautiful3 · 05/03/2024 10:58

No your daughter shouldn't be calling your mums boyfriend grandad! Just refer to him by name.

AdoraBell · 05/03/2024 10:59

Of course you didn’t do anything wrong and have no reason to feel guilty.

ChateauMargaux · 05/03/2024 11:08

I am sorry you had such a difficult childhood and I am sure your grandparents do not see their retirement as ruined. You are their family, they looked after you in a way that your mother could not / did not / choose not to.

As for your mother choosing the name your child should call her boyfriend.. maybe Bambi is not such a bad option afterall..

Mum.. Steve is not my Dad nor DD's granddad.. maybe we should find another name for him.. we can ask DD what she thinks...

SpeedyDrama · 05/03/2024 11:09

One of my siblings were raised by my grandparents. I suspect my mother had massive PND after having her and after leaving a DV relationship just left her with my grandparents (though saw more of her than me, whole other story). I don’t know if my grandparents ‘minded’ but they certainly never let on that they did. In fact I’d go as far as saying they probably saw my sister as more of a daughter than they ever did our mother (the very definition of a narcissist herself). I was certainly jealous of the obvious love and care my sister had in comparison to what I had to live with, if it was a chore then it would have been obvious.

Your daughter shouldn’t call anyone a title they do not deserve simply for being in your mother’s life. My grandchildren had a step-grandad but he was ‘grandad’ and absolutely earned that title from how caring about them he was. They have a biological grandad they’ve never met and if they did he wouldn’t be called that.

MorningSunshineSparkles · 05/03/2024 11:13

I really hope that (heaven forbid) my daughter ever got into a difficult life situation where she was no longer capable of caring for her children, she would trust me to do so until she’s back on her feet.

Your grandparents sound amazing, you should be feeling no guilt. Is this something you could talk to them about?

toomuchfaff · 05/03/2024 11:16

YABU - Its no use looking back - you're not going that way - you cant change what has happened, the only result is sadness in the present. Just stop with the guilt, it serves no purpose. Learn from it but don't drown in it.

MorningSunshineSparkles · 05/03/2024 11:17

@toomuchfaff what on earth do you expect her to learn from her grandparents having to care for her as a child because her mother was a useless twat?? She doesn’t need to take anything away from that except for the fact her mother doesn’t deserve her in her life. She has nothing to feel guilty for, you need to have a look at yourself for blaming a child though.

ReignOfError · 05/03/2024 11:18

I’m retired, and I’d take in any or all of my granddaughters (step and birth) if it was better for them. It would mean my retirement was different to the one I’ve planned, but definitely not worse.

My step-grandaughters call me by my name and that’s absolutely fine. Tell your mother to sod off with her demands.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 05/03/2024 11:27

Please don't think like that, its a different sort of retirement, but I'm sure they'd have rather that than see you mistreated.

My inlaws are raising 2 of their grandchildren, so my children's cousins, and it makes DH and I angry but towards the parents who are not allowed/can't be bothered to raise their own children. My inlaws are doing a great job of a difficult situation and I know the grandkids will be grateful to them forever for tgd love and care they are being raised with

LakeTiticaca · 05/03/2024 11:40

If I thought my grandchildren were in danger I would take them in a heartbeat. Don't feel any guilt. Your GPS loved you and wanted you to be safe

Sharontheodopolodous · 05/03/2024 11:41

I grew up with my grandad-he did all the donkey work of bringing me up

The context is-my father was a much adored and spoilt later baby-siblings in their 20's when he came along (in fact his nieces and nephews where only a year or two younger than him)

He lost his mother (my granny) when he was 19

Met and married my narcissistic mother a few years later and after losing 3 babies and falling out with his siblings,they had me then my brothers

As the girl,my parents figured I wouldn't amount to much (my mother thought the highest I'd go in life is a waitress) and I might as well get used to my status in life-girls are only fit for cleaning,waitresses and giving birth/childrearing,boys however-well they can go as high as they like

I was dropped off to live with my grandad (but had to see my parents semi regularly to keep up appearances-cant have people see them dumping me off!)

Grandad and I adored each other-i did a lot of caring for him but he gave me a foundation to my life and we loved each other unconditionally

Living with him made that time in my childhood the happiest time of my life-i know he felt the same-we didn't have much,but we had each other

He was (and still is) my everything-we enriched each others life-i know he kept going for me (he did until the end-i was the last family member to say goodbye)

He loved me as much as I loved him-i know that if he was alive and you asked him if I was a burden to him,he would look at you like you'd grown an extra head

We where each others everything-im sure that's how your grandparents saw you-their everything

toomuchfaff · 05/03/2024 11:44

MorningSunshineSparkles · 05/03/2024 11:17

@toomuchfaff what on earth do you expect her to learn from her grandparents having to care for her as a child because her mother was a useless twat?? She doesn’t need to take anything away from that except for the fact her mother doesn’t deserve her in her life. She has nothing to feel guilty for, you need to have a look at yourself for blaming a child though.

I was saying to not feel guilty, to not look back and be consumed with guilt - not blaming her - what the hell are you going on about?
If anything - learn from the situation - learn what horrible looks like - to endeavour to not be that person etc. Under no scenario was i blaming OP because her mother was a twat...

rowanrome · 05/03/2024 11:45

Something similar happened with us. Our grandchild was placed with us when he was a toddler when our daughter wasn't looking after him properly. I'm sure your grandparents felt similar to us in that they didn't want to lose their grandchild to the care system. It was hard for us at times as we both worked long hours at the time. He stayed with us for four years until our daughter got her act together. He's now a wonderful young man and just recently we moved and he asked if he could have the small second bedroom and live with us again, we said yes and we are delighted he's with us again. Im absolutely sure that your grandparents never regretted caring for you and that you never ruined anything for them. Im not saying they won't have found it hard at times, just like we did, but I'm sure if you could have asked them that they would have told you they never regretted it for a moment.

toomanyleggings · 05/03/2024 11:48

And what do you think their lives would be like if they’d have left you there and spent their retirement worrying about you? What if something had happened to you? They did what any loving gp would do. I’m sure you brought them a lot of joy

1dayatatime · 05/03/2024 11:57

Just to add to post by @toomanyleggings .

Your grandparents sound like amazing incredible people who no doubt you are very proud of.

Not only that but I am sure they got alot of well deserved satisfaction and sense of achievement from doing the right thing not the selfish thing. I know I would.

DrJoanAllenby · 05/03/2024 11:58

Why should you feel guilty when it's your mothers fault for creating a situation where your welfare was at risk?

The fault lies firmly on her shoulders.

1dayatatime · 05/03/2024 12:00

@Sharontheodopolodous

What a beautiful beautiful post.

Except I now can't stop crying and have a conference call in one minute!!🥲🥲🥲