Did I ruin my grandparents retirement?

[Firsttimemummy23]

Hi all!

I don't really know where to start my lovely grandad before Xmas and I suddenly feeling extreme guilt about both of their retirement.

Growing up my mum wasn't the best and there was a lot of talks about social getting involved as my mum had got involved with a drunk. My grandparents from what I can remember (my memory is slightly patchy due to me being quite young roughly 11/12 I think) had started to become concerned about my safety and well being after I kept calling them and my uncle when I got scared when they started to fight (bottle smashing on the walls etc) so I asked if i could live with them.

Of course they was happy and never asked my mum for a single penny from her (she was even claiming child benefit when I wasn't living with her so as you can imagine all of this and plus other stuff caused a massive family divide with some of them actually blaming me and calling me vile.

My nan immediately went on the defensive and never spoke to them again, I can't help but feel like I ruined everyone life and if I didn't ask to live with them, everyone would be happy and I wouldn't have ruined their retirement.

I have my own child now and of course she has now has a new bf and she has asked for my daughter to call him "Bambi" I obviously don't feel comfortable doing this as I had many daddy growing up.

I was just wondering if anyone who raised their grandkids did you ever regret it? The guilt I'm feeling so unreal and I can't ask them as they passed away.

This is 100% not your fault. You were an innocent child growing up in a toxic environment. It was 100% better for to live with your lovely grandparents. Your mother should have put you first , not some random drunk. As for your grandparents they didn't have to accept but they did and I'm certain it did not ruin anything for them. You are thier grandchild they love you with their whole hearts. You did not cause any division in the family, that was your mother's fault. Sorry to sound harsh against your mother.

Thank you and sorry for making you cry!

Forgot to add-it caused a lot of jealousy as my aunts and uncles hated the fact I was the 'favourite'

He hadn't had their children to live with them so why did it make me so special?

Not one of them stepped up to help the way I was doing (weekly shop,washing,housework etc)

Only when people started asking questions did they outsource a tiny bit (the bits on show)

I can count on one hand seeing them in my whole childhood-i didn't have a clue who they where the first time I met them and they where downright nasty to me (he didn't see this)

I mean a child-i was left with him from being months old-going to school,housework-the lot from 4/5 years old

No regrets at all-i will carry his love with me for the rest of my life

He died knowing I loved him so much-I have two photos of him-both are my screens average (I'm waiting to find the perfect frames to I can display him in my home-its taken over 30 years to get copies as my mother refused to let me have them)

he waited to see me,he had dementia and was on his deathbed.my parents knew but 'forgot' to tell me,he clung on for days,waiting for me and he knew i was there-I know he did

He made me the person I am today-im not perfect but he gave me the foundations to live my life and know my worth and I hope I make him proud every single day

Your grandparents sound so lovely, you must have really good memories of them. I bet they did exactly what they wanted and would make the same choice again.

I am so moved by the responses and reassurances. I hope you can allow yourself to believe them.

With regard to your mother and her partner I would be very limited contact. If you want to keep the peace, refer to him as grandad John or whatever.
You can explain it to her when she is old enough to understand.
I hope you have family who love and support you and focus on those relationships.

You did not ruin your grandparents' retirement. You needed them and they were there for you. That's a great thing.

No you didnt ruin their life. They wanted to protect you from your mum.

You owe that protection to your kids.

Looks at it this way...does your mum make your life better or worse? How do you feel after seeing her?

If it's not positive, dont inflict her and her boyfriends on your kids. They deserve a innocence and a life where they dont realise how crap she is.

And I wouldnt be surprised if your mum wants you to call him Bambi as a last ditch effort to manipulate him into staying with her because "they're family" and "the upset it will cause"

ETA the question should always be "will this decision make my kids lives better?"

If the answer is no, it's not happening.

Absolutely this. Think about your own grandchild when / if the time comes - wouldn’t you do anything for them in a heartbeat?

Not at all. You’re looking at this all wrong. Imagine your child has a child and needs your help. I would be thankful to have the opportunity to look after my grandchild if she needs it.

I imagine the joy you gave them and the pride they must have felt in you were their principal comfort in the face of the pain and shame your mother caused them.

So it's your mother's boyfriend?

If it's your mum asking this I don't think you should have any qualms telling her to bog off tbh

This. Your parents were to blame not you. You didn't go around smashing bottles on walls.

Please don't carry any guilt about this OP. I would raise my DGC in a heartbeat if they needed me, as I'm sure all decent grandparents would.

Many years ago my DD (7 yrs old at the time) made a new friend at school who had just joined the class. We invited her to DD's birthday party and her grandparents brought her along. Turned out they had taken on both of their DGC as the parents were drug addicts. We became very good friends and were in awe of the sacrifices they made to ensure their DGC had a loving and stable upbringing. It was tough for them at times but they never complained - they loved those DGC so much. We had some great times with them all and our 2 DC over the years, and I treasure the memories. Sadly they are no longer with us but their DGC have grown into amazing individuals who appreciate the love and security their grandparents gave them for all of those years. Your grandparents sound equally awesome and you shouldn't feel a moments guilt.

"no, that actually doesn't sit right with me, DD can just call him John"

Repeat as necessary.

That would make me uncomfortable, like for ING familiarity