AIBU to demand DH reduces workhours, too?

[Toffifee1]

I know that the word „demand“ is a bit strong, but suggestions didn‘t work so far.

AIBU to DEMAND that DH reduces his hours, too, even though he doesn‘t want to? Only for a few years while DC are very young. I‘m not his 1950 housewife and would like equality in housework/childcare/career, he says we could just leave DC in daycare 7:30am-4:30pm(we‘d have to find somewhere else but it‘s simply not an option for me, i didn‘t have kids to only spend weekends with them) and get a cleaner/doesn’t care if the house is covered in cat fur.

Additional info:

• 2 DC under 3, old house with a big garden that needs a lot of work/renovations/..
• i‘ll be back at work in summer when DC2 starts daycare and have to negotiate workhours soon, will have to change to fewer afternoon shifts or change jobs in order to pick the kids up from nursery at a time i deem reasonable (massive paycut but i WANT to spent some afternoons with my kids and would prefer DH to do the same)
• i earn more working 30 hours than DH does working 40 hours but we‘d be fine financially with me 20-25 and him 40 ( what he suggests) or 30 hours both with a cleaner(my suggestion)
• DH always complains about not enough kidfree time(i get none, basically) and too many things to do even though i‘m still at home
• DH won‘t get a raise at current job and has to look for a new job within the next 2-3 years anyways, but he says if he reduces hours he‘ll just have to spend more time with the kids(yes!!) and won‘t have more free time (there‘d be more time with both of us at home in the late afternoon and DC would be in daycare 8am-3pm)
• DH can by contract WFH 2 days per week and can by contract reduce workhours to 50-80% as a father, he does WFH 1 day per week atm because he likes going into work and claims that DCs/me vacuuming are too noisy but refuses to close his office door(located between living room and kitchen) or use my office(upstairs between 2 rarely used rooms)

Not at all, there’s no point in you alone taking the hit on your career, having child free time with pre-school kids is a negotiated team effort - you both working a bit less gives you wiggle room.

He really doesn't like the kids does he! Why are you with him?

He basically has no interest in raising his children. He wants time to himself, not time with his children, He is a dick.

I dont think that's something you can demand. You keep saying you WANT to, he doesnt WANT to. So many people have children in childcare throughout the day because they are working. Him reducing to 30 hours could be detrimental to any future promotions maybe? I think its fair to discuss it, I dont think you can demand it. Those are conversations that were needed before children. Absolutely no one NEEDS to go part time after having children, just some people want to.

Didn't you both discuss how this would look before having dc? I work ft (mum) and if I was unilaterally told by dh "you will reduce your hours because I deem X to be the latest our children should be in childcare" then I'm not just going to say "ok boss".

Had we had the discussion before kids (both dropping to 4 day weeks/both dropping to 6 hour days or whatever) we could have come to a mutual agreement.

you want different things

YANBU that both parents working 30 hours is the ideal in many ways (and what I did).

But a DH who doesn't want to do that because "he would just need to spend more time with the kids" is never holding up his end of that bargain. I don't think you can change that - even if you coerce him into doing it, you will never come home from work to a clean house and happy family on those days.

It’s not unreasonable to want to work full time. Some people prefer the balance of work and evening and weekend time with their kids. As long as that time is quality then there’s nothing wrong with it, and you seem to be pushing your own moral take on being a working parent on him, which is unreasonable. It’s your choice what you want to do with your career, it’s his choice for his.

I find your attitude that childcare any later in the day than 3pm being totally unacceptable and that any later would be “only seeing them at weekends” to be a bit much. For many people a 4.30pm finish for childcare would be great, and really quite early for working parents. Clearly it’s not something you want but I don’t think it’s an unusual enough suggestion to declare that it’s not what your DH should want too.

he says we could just leave DC in daycare 7:30am-4:30pm(we‘d have to find somewhere else but it‘s simply not an option for me, i didn‘t have kids to only spend weekends with them

4.30 pick up leaves plenty of time - especially given they are only getting older so will go to bed later, summer is coming. Pick up 4.30, drive/walk to the park, swings, feed the ducks. Home for 5.30, dinner together, bathymetry and stories. Bed 7.30/8.

Lots of 1.2.1 time with them, and not "only spending weekends" with them.

Even better if one of you drops and one collects, and the other parent works earlier/later. Even less time in daycare.

You cant make peole do things, but i do think 2 sers of 30 hours sounds fab life balance.

The issue is he is perfectly happy with full time childcare and doesnt think its too many hours. He might not mind if you wants to spend more time with the children. but he doesnt think its for the childs benefit so doesnt feel the need to replicate it.

You both sound inflexible here. You have decided that your children shouldn’t be in childcare for more than a certain number of hours and it’s fair enough for him to disagree with that. Him refusing to work at home two days a week and his objections to it are also really inflexible.

Once you are back to work, the house will be empty so he could do his 2 wfh days with quiet. And do the pick up/drop off and you work longer hours those days to offset other days in the week.

I think YABU. Just as I would think any man who expected the mother of his children to sacrifice her career/stay home with them was unreasonable. There is nothing wrong with childcare and your tone is incidentally quite offensive to those who use it. If you have a problem with it it's within your gift to rearrange your own life and career to use it less often.

If you want to go p/t that's up to you. Demanding that your DH should do the same because you unilaterally decided the kids shouldn't be all day in childcare is not on.

I wouldn't respond kindly to DH deciding I should go part time just because he feels like it.

What did you both agree on before becoming parents? And after having your first DC, what did you agree on regarding the arrangements for second DC? It sounds like you’re still on mat leave so you’ve got a toddler and a baby, and a DH that works full time.
Just because DH doesn’t want to reduce his hours it doesn’t mean he doesn’t want his children - he may well find life overwhelming at the moment and the last thing he wants is to do more childcare.
You both need to sit down and have an honest discussion - I don’t mean looking at who could do what hours, but how each of you feel about working less.

Thanks for the replies so far, i would like to add that we have both together chosen to enlist the DC in the current daycare (only close by option) and the previous agreement was that i work late(6pm) 2 days per week and he‘d WFH and maybe pick up missing hours in the evening but now he‘s already constantly complaining/doesn’t get the renovations(his share of the housework, i do the cleaning and gardening) done even though i’m at home doing the chores and his idea seems way too stressful and

IT WILL NOT AFFECT HIS CAREER.

I think YABU. Everything seems to be about you, your feelings, equality with what you want.
People who work full time can still be active and involved parents and still see plenty of their kids. You won't win a mother of the year award for an extra couple of hours a couple of afternoons a week. But if that's something you want, then great, go for it. But it doesn't mean you should demand 'equality' in him doing it too. He's at work, not sitting at home or away doing a hobby.

I don’t think either of you have a right to demand the other drops their working hours if they don’t want to. Even just take things pensions into account.

It sounds like a conversation needs to be had about division of cleaning and household chores.

You comment about ‘didn’t have kids to just spend the weekend with them’ is silly.

he says we could just leave DC in daycare 7:30am-4:30pm(we‘d have to find somewhere else but it‘s simply not an option for me, i didn‘t have kids to only spend weekends with them

But it is an option for him. He’s happy to have the kids in childcare, if YOU want to spend more time with them, you can, but you can’t force him to have the same view as you and follow your lead.

I was fine with him working full time prior to DCs. We had that discussion. But he is constantly complaining about being overwhelmed and instead of expecting ME to do more and pick up the slack i have repeatedly suggested that he could work parttime, too, as he‘s at a point in his career where it wouldn’t make any difference now whereas i have better options if i work more. Things change. He worked on his career, got his promotion to the highest he can go at current job. I stayed at home and would have better options at 30 compared to 20/25 hours.

When you say he expects you to do more to pick up the slack, what sort of things do you mean? You shouldn’t be doing his share of housework etc, there’s no valid reason for him to expect that.

I'd much rather have the kids in nursery than with a parent who actively doesn't want the extra time with them. It's not going to be quality time, is it? Realistically he's probably going to shove them in front of a screen.

We both work part-time (four days a week each) and it works well, but that's because we both actually want it to. There are pros and cons (I, in particular, basically do a full-time job for part-time pay) and he doesn't really value the upside of the extra time with the kids then he won't end up sticking with it, which will just be more disruptive down the line for you.

Stick to your suggestion. Why do you have to do more of the cleaning and childcare? Before we had children my husband and l both agreed we would cut hours for caring for the children and the house. Just before l was due back at work he tried to convince me to go part time and him stay full. I refused as he doesn’t earn much more than me and l had done maternity leave so l had already done more than my share. My husbands behaviour hasn’t been great since so lm glad l didn’t go back part time to facilitate his career and pension

I think it's sad that his main reason for not dropping hours seems to be because he doesn't want to see his kids more. I don't think I could get past that really.

You can't really demand he drops hours, but i see your point that it won't affect his career and he is in a job that has a lot of flexibility built into it, if he chose to request it.

I understand why you don't want your young children in nursery for very long days. I have been both a full time working parent - out the house at 6.45am - 6pm and a part time working one. I now much prefer when I can pick my youngest up early, but back in the day with the elder two, I didn't mind them being in all day at nursery as I was focused on rebuilding my career.

I personally think that if its something your dh could do for the benefit of the whole family, he should. Including building in me time for both of you also.