AIBU to demand DH reduces workhours, too?

[Toffifee1]

I know that the word „demand“ is a bit strong, but suggestions didn‘t work so far.

AIBU to DEMAND that DH reduces his hours, too, even though he doesn‘t want to? Only for a few years while DC are very young. I‘m not his 1950 housewife and would like equality in housework/childcare/career, he says we could just leave DC in daycare 7:30am-4:30pm(we‘d have to find somewhere else but it‘s simply not an option for me, i didn‘t have kids to only spend weekends with them) and get a cleaner/doesn’t care if the house is covered in cat fur.

Additional info:

• 2 DC under 3, old house with a big garden that needs a lot of work/renovations/..
• i‘ll be back at work in summer when DC2 starts daycare and have to negotiate workhours soon, will have to change to fewer afternoon shifts or change jobs in order to pick the kids up from nursery at a time i deem reasonable (massive paycut but i WANT to spent some afternoons with my kids and would prefer DH to do the same)
• i earn more working 30 hours than DH does working 40 hours but we‘d be fine financially with me 20-25 and him 40 ( what he suggests) or 30 hours both with a cleaner(my suggestion)
• DH always complains about not enough kidfree time(i get none, basically) and too many things to do even though i‘m still at home
• DH won‘t get a raise at current job and has to look for a new job within the next 2-3 years anyways, but he says if he reduces hours he‘ll just have to spend more time with the kids(yes!!) and won‘t have more free time (there‘d be more time with both of us at home in the late afternoon and DC would be in daycare 8am-3pm)
• DH can by contract WFH 2 days per week and can by contract reduce workhours to 50-80% as a father, he does WFH 1 day per week atm because he likes going into work and claims that DCs/me vacuuming are too noisy but refuses to close his office door(located between living room and kitchen) or use my office(upstairs between 2 rarely used rooms)

i asked him to reduce them once DC2 is in nursery and i go back to work - in summer.
How is that so difficult to understand?

OP said in her original post
i‘ll be back at work in summer when DC2 starts daycare and have to negotiate workhours soon

This is all about what should she and her DH do when she returns to work.

This.

There are a lot of issues you are muddling together here:

1. You would prefer that the kids are with you or dad for more time and not in childcare quite as much. This is a preference and your wants don't override his wants in this regard. If this is something very important to you but not to him, then imo you should be the one working reduced hours.

1. The office door when WFH thing is utterly ridiculous. He needs to shut the door if he's being disturbed.

1. You should both have equal child free time outside of work and chores. Child free time is important. There should also be good quality family time or time spent individually with the children. If this is set out and discussed clearly and so it's fair, he may stop railing for more "me time". If it's set out discussed and agreed he knows what he getting and that's clear. No need for ongoing further discussions and debate. This may stop him seeming like he doesn't like spending time with his kids. Maybe he doesn't, which is sad, but you probably can't change him. He might enjoy it more as they grow into different stages. I much prefer kids over 7 tbh. Wasn't really into playing repetitive games with them when younger!!! But regardless of whether it's his favourite activity or not, they are his kids and he needs to pull his weight there.

There should also be a fair division of chores.

Sorry I didn't read properly. I still think you are YABU and I don't see why nursery after 3pm is a bad thing.

picking them up at 4:30 instead of 3 isn’t really that bad though.

You want to spend more time with them - great, you do just that

he doesn’t, so why push the issue?

I’d rather kill myself than pick DD up from nursery at 3

You're in the absolute thick of it with 2 under 3. It must be overwhelming and exhausting and it's normal to be arguing. You both must crave time to yourself.

I agree that any forced time he spends with the children will more likely be spent in front of a screen. You can't make him go PT just like he can't force you to change your work hours.

I'm with you on wanting to minimise nursery hours. Housework should be equal. If you have more contact time with the kids because you enjoy it then he can pick up extra chores.

The day a spouse demanded to control my working life would be the day demanded a divorce.

Most workplaces won't let you just chop and change your hours every few months.

Whatever he chooses in the summer may be something he is stuck with long-term.

I think it's a big ask to ask him to go part-time in order to do housework/childcare that can be outsourced. A man who demanded that of a woman would rightly be pillioried. It's not an unequal relationship if you are doing more housework/childcare because you have chosen to haves shorter working hours. You should be doing the same number of hours of work - but work includes paid work, housework and childcare.

He won‘t work there long term and he can say that he wants to do it for x months only (he can only do it for up to 3 years i think)

Also maybe I am missing something but why are the options:
-You/30 hrs + Him/30 hrs + cleaner; or
-You/23 hrs + Him/40 hrs + no cleaner?

If he prefers to work longer hours why don't you do:
-You/23 hrs + Him/40 hrs + cleaner?

Surely that will reduce the amount of housework, give the children about the same time with one or other parent, and also allow him to work his preferred hours? I get that you might have a bit less money in the bank at the end of the month (since you earn more) but if this is manageable for you maybe that is the way forward?

My point is that he is complaining about too little free time even now that i do most of the housework and not everything can be outsourced. He also agreed to put DC into the nursery that is only until 3pm and said he‘d make it work and now that it clearly doesn’t work for both of us he wants to change the nursery again (which he knows i wont do) or for me to work less and do more childcare, which is what we‘re going to do but it‘s a huge paycut compared to both of us doing parttime.

Well yes complaining about too little free time is annoying. Most working parents of young kids have too little free time (my and my DH have literally none most weeks). So I agree he should stop complaining.

But sorry, I do fundamentally think that he is not unreasonable to not want to drop to part time hours.

He won't get any extra free time if his days off are spent doing childcare, housework and renovations though

Tbh he’s in cloud cuckoo land if he thinks there’s going to be much child free time if you’ve got two under-3s, and are renovating a house. There’s never much at the best of times without house renovation.

Thats a bit extreme😅

When we enlisted our son in this particular daycare DH agreed and always knew i was going back to work at least 2 full days until 6pm and said he‘d make it work but he‘s already overwhelmed and complaining about too little free time now and his suggestion of changing nurseries again is not realistic. It has been previously agreed upon that he‘ll manage 3pm pick ups twice per week. I just don‘t see him working at night to compensate, he‘ll instead do less of the chores and show up even later on „my“ days.

We could still do the cleaner(its very hard to find one here though, so its just a theory) but i‘d be home alone 2 mornings so why would i need a cleaner? If i could work 5 mornings that would be fine(not an option i have) but the point is that i‘d like to work 30,5 hours. 5 mornings, 2 afternoons. And get a cleaner.

Why though? We don’t need the money, he can pay into a seperate retirement fond if he likes and he would get a little more free time out of it, i‘m just not down for his idea of getting a whole day of free time(reducing to 4 days would be fine for him) instead of getting home 2 hours earlier every day which would be beneficial for all of us.

I agree and i knew this(although i had hoped for some help from the grandparents) but working part time would be a relief for everyone. If both of us are at home one can do stuf while the other one looks after the children in the late afternoon instead of at 8/9pm and we could finally have the evenenings to ourselves without chores..

I think you’ll just have to talk through the likely impacts of different options. If he stays full time it will take the renovations twice as long cos he will have less time to do them. And less option of child free time.

FWIW I heartily agree that both parents part time, if affordable, is the best option (assuming they both pull their weight re childcare and household). It’s what we do here. Works great. But my DH had to decide for himself. As did I. And if we decided not to, we have to suck up the effects of that on our available time.

This reminds me of the half term DH was out of work. When he found out I hadn’t booked the week of work, he had a massive sulk because he couldn’t do what he wanted to do.

Surely it's the renovations eating into his free time?