AIBU to demand DH reduces workhours, too?

[Toffifee1]

I know that the word „demand“ is a bit strong, but suggestions didn‘t work so far.

AIBU to DEMAND that DH reduces his hours, too, even though he doesn‘t want to? Only for a few years while DC are very young. I‘m not his 1950 housewife and would like equality in housework/childcare/career, he says we could just leave DC in daycare 7:30am-4:30pm(we‘d have to find somewhere else but it‘s simply not an option for me, i didn‘t have kids to only spend weekends with them) and get a cleaner/doesn’t care if the house is covered in cat fur.

Additional info:

• 2 DC under 3, old house with a big garden that needs a lot of work/renovations/..
• i‘ll be back at work in summer when DC2 starts daycare and have to negotiate workhours soon, will have to change to fewer afternoon shifts or change jobs in order to pick the kids up from nursery at a time i deem reasonable (massive paycut but i WANT to spent some afternoons with my kids and would prefer DH to do the same)
• i earn more working 30 hours than DH does working 40 hours but we‘d be fine financially with me 20-25 and him 40 ( what he suggests) or 30 hours both with a cleaner(my suggestion)
• DH always complains about not enough kidfree time(i get none, basically) and too many things to do even though i‘m still at home
• DH won‘t get a raise at current job and has to look for a new job within the next 2-3 years anyways, but he says if he reduces hours he‘ll just have to spend more time with the kids(yes!!) and won‘t have more free time (there‘d be more time with both of us at home in the late afternoon and DC would be in daycare 8am-3pm)
• DH can by contract WFH 2 days per week and can by contract reduce workhours to 50-80% as a father, he does WFH 1 day per week atm because he likes going into work and claims that DCs/me vacuuming are too noisy but refuses to close his office door(located between living room and kitchen) or use my office(upstairs between 2 rarely used rooms)

I think you are being very unreasonable. If you want to work less, then it’s up to you, but you can’t force your opinions on others. If my partner demanded I work fewer hours I would think he was joking as my partner is respectful and never make those sort of demands of me.

Even when you put it in capitals, YAstillBU.

So is he saying he would reduce his hours if the extra time could be spent on his chores/free time, but not to look after your children?

As i am a SAHM atm i do all the cleaning/washing/.. but he‘s doing most of the renovations. It‘s not an unfair split, we simply both work a lot. I often hand the baby over to him when DC1 is asleep and do chores that i didn’t manage to do during the day with the baby, so that he has to spent time with DC2 in the evening instead of getting free time. He wants me to get those things done during the day. I then usually go to bed with DC2 at around 9pm because i‘m exhausted and that way he gets 1-2 hours kidfree time per day and my kidfree time is spend cleaning.

Yes. It‘s not a career thing.

How much parenting does he do?

7.30am start to nursery is quite early, what time do you have to get up in the morning?

It’s a bit sad that he doesn’t want to spend time with the kids. What happens on the weekend?

Yabu to dictate what he does with his career. He's allowed to have his own views and opinions, they don't need to coincide with yours. Perhaps he enjoys his job and wants to keep working. Imagine if you were a man TELLING his wife she HAD to cut her hours.

If you divorced and looked after the DCs 50:50, he would put them into daycare on his days while he worked. That's completely reasonable. You choose to do something else on your days.

YABU.

If you want to stay home with the children or do less hours then that's your choice, but you can't make him do the same.

There are always threads on here from women who struggle being home with their small children and in practically every case they're encouraged to go back to work and use childcare.

Staying home with little ones isn't for everyone and he shouldn't be berated for not wanting to do it.

Toddler and baby and jobs and house renovations is going to be exhausting for everyone. We didn’t have much house stuff and I was a sahm and DH didn’t get much free time to himself those first couple of years. That’s just parenting small children!

I don’t think you can force your DH to work fewer hours if he doesn’t want to, although I agree it does sound like a more equitable split for you both to reduce your hours. Is there much of a financial difference for the family when you factor in the different amounts you’d both be earning and the childcare required?

You should have discussed your expectations before having children. I don't think he's being unreasonable personally. You just have different opinions.

Why is your opinion more important than your husbands?

Is your husband able to make "demands" of you in your marriage.

I think your behaviour sounds unhealthy.

You can only make suggestions, and if he doesn't want to adhere to those, that's his choice.

You can work full time and still be an incredible parent. Both my parents worked full time. I absolutely loved my after-school clubs and met my lifelong best friend there. I had and still have amazing relationships with both parents and am very proud to have had full-time working parents.

Ultimately, demand implies you control your husband, and that's worrying.

He‘s great with DC1. They work together on renovation projects and DC1 is attached to his hip. But he‘d simply like a bit more time to himself(understandably). I just think that him cutting hours, too, would give everyone room to breath as we’re already stressed now and me going back to work even if we find a cleaner and with daycare replacing most of my current „jobs“, there‘d still be a lot of washing and shopping and cooking and renovations left to do.

YABU to make demands on what he does with his career. It doesn't matter if he's at the top of where he can get in his current profession or has to change jobs soon. That's not the only marker of a good job, if he's enjoying his career

It would be absolutely slammed if a man tried to demand a woman cut her hours to accommodate child care

He is OK with them being in paid childcare and hiring a cleaner (which, if you can afford, would help YOU out with some of the issues you have), you aren't. So you adjust your working times.

And then have a discussion about how you both get some childfree time to decompress

Agree with this. I wouldn’t either.

even if we find a cleaner and with daycare replacing most of my current „jobs“, there‘d still be a lot of washing and shopping and cooking and renovations left to do.

But how much of that would actually get done with two small children needing full-time care? Realistically, not very much.

Anyway it's a pointless argument because you can't force him to drop his hours.

You're complaining about him being inflexible but you're inflexible too. You've decided the hours you deem acceptable for nursery. You've decided you don't want him working full time.

You can't force your views on another adult. You can discuss, but you can't dictate. It sounds like you've decided what you feel is the 'correct' balance of work/nursery/chores and expect him to just fall in with it. There isn't a 'correct' balance btw - some families have both parents working full time, some have neither parent working and every possible part time permutation inbetween.

If your children are at nursery 7:30am-4:30pm you aren't only spending weekends with them.

That's at least 2.5h of the afternoon every day, assuming a 7pm bedtime.

Many children are at nursery longer hours than this, that's really one of the 'sacrifices' required if you want two careers IMO.

You are being unreasonable. In a healthy relationship no one can demand another to do something.

You can't put your own wishes for how you want to spend your time with your children on to your husband.

That said you are absolutely not unreasonable to expect your partner to do his share of the nursery pick ups and drop offs where reasonable.

Our set up is. I work 4 days for my health. I do all of the morning drop offs as my partner needs to be in work a 45 minute drive away before our nursery opens but he does 1-2 pick ups a week and all of the evening meals. He does half of the sick/snow days. My partner would love to do 4 days but it's not possible with his role. We are also renovating a house so he does that at weekends and we have to make a conscious effort for family time too.

For what it’s worth I agree with you, less time at work and more family time, but you can’t demand he agrees. If he won’t do it then the only way your DC spend less time in childcare is if you reduce your hours. You have to decide if that’s something you can accept in your relationship.

Your partner sounds awful! Why did he have kids if he doesn’t want to spend time with them? Does he not get that when you have toddlers they sort of need constant attention and that’s just the way it’ll be for a few years. Whether he drops hours or not to me is less of an issue than his attitude towards his role as a parent - it would also make sense that you split putting the kids to bed so that occasionally you’re the one to get an hour or two free in the evenings.

Personally I wouldn’t drop below 30 hours - you need to protect your own career and not end up financially depending on him - if he won’t drop any hours you should just put them in creche for now. You also do need to be realistic that if you are the higher earner and his career has peaked that you might need your extra salary in the future.

You aren't a SAHM.

I am till summer when i start work again.

Thanks everyone for your insight, i have now offered a compromise of me starting with 2,5 days/23 hours (2 8:30am-6pm days and one morning, i can‘t work mornings only as we have other mums at work already) and him continuing full time until the end of the year and he has agreed to „ask“ his employer to go parttime (both 30-32 hours and look for a cleaner) for a few months after that and then we‘ll reevaluate the situation.
That way i have enough time for housework and he can work as much as he likes on my free days.

Just something to bear in mind with this plan some workplace have a time limit on Flexi working requests. In my job we are only allowed to change our working hours once a year.

Well that was a drip feed. So plenty of time to see your children without asking him to reduce his hours.