Aibu to feel alone during egg freezing process?

[MyLittleKite]

I’ve been with my DP for a good few years, I’m mid 30s and he’s late 30s

We are currently living with his family as he left a great job to start his own biz, so he won’t have money coming in for a while. I support him wholeheartedly. I have what you’d consider an “impressive” job and although it doesn’t pay amazingly, it’s my dream job. We are both happy.

We both really want kids but he won’t have them until his business is off the ground. Fair enough, I also want to bring kids into a stable household (I had a v unstable upbringing.)

I have therefore decided to freeze my eggs, but I recently discovered that my count is slightly on the low-ish side which reduces the chance of a pricey procedure actually working. I’m still going to try a cycle next month, though.

This week, I told dp that a doctor told me Id have a much better chance of having a healthy pregnancy if I were to try for kids now. This prompted dp to announce he feels very guilty that I’m having to go through the freezing process because of him. He feels he’s holding me back. He says he’d “be able to sleep better” at night if he let me go to find someone who is ready for kids immediately, and thinks he’s being very unfair on me.

I have never ever told him I’m angry at him for wanting to delay kids and the conversation was a very loving one, just to give you an idea of tone.

We decided to pause that convo until we know the outcome of my first egg freezing cycle, next month.

But now, I feel like I can’t discuss my nervousness surrounding my latest pending egg count results because he might use it as an excuse to leave me. I feel sick with worry but I feel so alone.

The thing is, I wouldn’t want to have kids with someone I’d just met. I’ve been duped by crappy men before, and I’d like to have known someone for a couple of years before having a kid with them. And what if I don’t find someone? Time is not on my side.

Secondly, i have a very difficult family situation with zero support from them. I don’t think I can bear the shame of a failed relationship in my 30s. I can’t bear having to start over again - finding a house share, going back onto dating apps. I can’t bear the idea of any of it.

I’m also really close to my dp’s parents, they are basically the parents I never had. Losing my dp would see me lose pretty much everything.

I don’t really know what I’m asking here, other than I suppose, what would you do in my shoes?

OP your DH dumped his guilt on you. That was very unreasonable of him.

do you have a friend you can talk to irl?

how long will the business take to get off ground? What is your financial situation/career?

id think about try for kids straight away and muddling through but clearly needs to be a joint decision and he sounds like he’s being a bit selfish IMO

Thanks for replying ❤You’re right, he did dump that guilt on me. It’s made me feel so sad that I might never have kids over this.

i have a great job but we couldn’t afford a child on my salary alone, especially since my company doesn’t have an amazing maternity package.

I have a tonne of friends but they’re all married with kids or undergoing ivf themselves, so nobody I can really chat to. It all feels so messy.

I think he's into his business and really isn't that fussed for having DC, or not for a long time. I think his views have changed on really wanting kids or he's realised he can wait indefinitely and you can't. Even with frozen eggs, you'd still want to crack on sooner than he does. Sorry but it doesn't sound hopeful.

I know. But the way I see it in one scenario I’m single, living in a ridiculously expensive house share, going on dates that might come to nothing, with zero family support. In the second we stay together but I resent him.

he is def fussed about having kids - he’s freezing his sperm and we’re discussing embryos - but he does have time on his side.

Kindly, do you realise how low the chances of frozen eggs resulting in babies are? It doesn't sound like he's particularly interested in having kids with you to be honest. If you really want children, I would consider leaving him for someone who really wants them. I'm so sorry - it's a horrible position to be in. Speaking from experience, I met my husband at 31, starting trying for a baby at 32 as I felt time wasn't on my side. We had unexplained fertility and didn't manage to have our first baby until 36, and we were lucky that IVF worked second time. Best of luck to you x

It sounds like he's not that bothered about having kids or about the relationship to be honest. If he truly loved you there is no way he'd be thinking that you should go and have kids with someone else. There will never be the perfect time to have kids. I'm sure your much more financially stable than a lot of people who have kids. He will always find an excuse not to as I think deep down he doesn't really want them or he'd be finding a way to make it happen.

He’s not that into you.
You don’t have the time to muck around, spending a fortune on a procedure that has poor results.
I would say we try for a baby now, properly, or leave him. He could be stringing this out for years until you’re infertile.

If you still want to go ahead with egg freezing, I would look into using donor sperm and freezing embryos. I did 4 cycles of ivf and only got 16 eggs in total, none of which led to a pregnancy. You may never want or need to use them, but at least you would have the choice later down the line should your situation change. I think he’s really leading you on. I ended a relationship at 35 because he had lied about wanting kids and I was devastated x

Sorry OP, it’s a horrible situation to be in. He doesn’t sound that invested in you not just having children. Who would tell their partner they should let them go off with another person? There’s a thread about regrets and a popular regret people have is staying with a partner longer than they should have.

Freezing eggs in no way guarantees a pregnancy. I think some think it has a much higher chance than it does.

This.

He's not that into kids (with you).

You risk wasting your your fertile years on invasive procedures and false hope.

The medical opinion has to take precedence over business. Either you go for it or you don't. Business can happen anytime - right now he would prioritise a secure job if he really wanted to.

Having read it again he sounds like a dreamer. Quits a good job to move back to parents? Most people build up the business on the side / part time rather than doing that. He's barely acting like an adult never mind a father.

How old are you both?

He's rather dump you than being forward the baby plans a few years? That's pretty worrying. Or he's trying to guilt you onto shutting up until he's ready and tough if it's too late, and that's worse.

You need a proper conversation.

How much does the business bring in? How much do you earn? Would you need to move out? How many days does he work? Would the in laws help with childcare?

This is such a tough situation, I'm sorry you're going through this without much support.

You need to be absolutely clear on how long he wants to wait exactly. At what point would he be happy to start trying? There's rarely a perfect time to start a family, and plenty of people do so in a worse financial situation than you seem to be in right now. I would be worried about him stalling indefinitely.

He's told you want he wants, to let you go and for you to find someone else. You just need to listen to him. How long is he wanting to wait?

I know it's hard as you think you'll lose everything but how will you feel if, in 5 years time, you try for a baby and it fails. You'll have wasted your chances for children on a man who is more interested in his business being a success than having kids with you. As you know, time is on his side, it's not on yours.
If you leave and find someone else, you could have a child in a couple of years.

Honestly, he doesn't want kids with you. If he did he would have come up with an actual plan when you told him about having low eggs. He is trying to get you to dump him so no one will call him selfish for wasting years of your life with his lies when you break up. Sorry if you think I'm being harsh, but I was lied to as well, I know you want to stick it out and keep trying, but unless he takes the lead now you'll just be wasting even more time. You deserve better.

It seems like you are making all the compromises.

He can do his business in his spare time! I can't understand why he'd move back to his parents and have no income. That also means you can't go on nice holidays or nights out? Things that you deserve seeing as you're working full time on a decent wage yourself.

I think you should ttc right now. You'll make it work. He can pick up a job and start earning.

This is what I was going to say. It really does have a low success rate. Freezing embryos is better but no guarantee. He need to get a job, and start business on the side, or just wait. The business could be anytime but fertility won’t improve. But please be careful not to support him financially.

He doesn’t want kids with you and now feels guilty for stringing you along, so he’s giving you an ‘out’.

if he wanted kids with you, he would know time is not on your side and you should go for it.

Freezing eggs has such a low success rate, especially with mid-30s eggs. Your doctor is right to warn you against it.

if you want kids- you need to be prepared to go it alone, or have an ultimatum talk with him. He might just go through the motions and you’ll end up with kids with an ambivalent father though.

i am so sorry this is a miserable blunt post but he has put you in a horrible position.

He hasn’t even proposed to you and you are literally putting all eggs in one basket. What a risk he is asking you to take.

he feels very guilty that I’m having to go through the freezing process because of him. He feels he’s holding me back. He says he’d “be able to sleep better” at night if he let me go to find someone who is ready for kids immediately, and thinks he’s being very unfair on me.

This screams martyrdom to me... its language that's manipulative and quite frankly ridiculous.

I mean seriously; if you were to say "actually yes, I think I'm going to leave and find a man I can have children with now, Bob from the Bookshop is actually up for the task, I'm leaving this weekend, we will be married in Summer - farewell my darling, if only it turned out differently!" - he's saying he'd be OK with that? absolutely not I'd guess. So all this leave me, save yourself bs is just that.. BS.

That in itself screams that he is not well adjusted, he's manipulative, he's selfish (dropping everything for his business), childish (see above) and he isn't cemented in reality.

He needs to do the business as a side until its profitable enough to be a main hustle.

As an FYI you are much better off freezing EMBRYOS vs eggs…
ie his sperm and he himself are (slightly) involved.

…even if successfully harvested converting them into a live baby has a poor success rate.

But I imagine both of you know this.
i also think he is stringing you along.

fwiw i looked into freezing my eggs in my early 30s and the process sounded too much for me so you have my sympathy it’s a lot more invasive / hard / generally not nice than people realise.

EDIT just saw he is freezing his sperm … separately…. What a token easy way to palm you off…

i really think if you want children you need to either do it now with him or leave him and crack on yourself.
And if you stay and give up on kids you need to be prepared for him to swan off with a 20/30 something and have kids leaving you 40 something and childless in a few years.

You need to have a very serious conversation with him about if he definitely wants h
Kids with you and if he's sure he does, why is he leaving it? Can he commit in another way in the meantime like marriage? He's either far too sensible or he is unsure about the future with you but enjoying your companionship.

Better to break up and be starting again at 35 than 39 or 44 (fertility wise). The fact that he's encouraged you to explore your options though... to be honest I think you should, a man who was committed to you wouldn't say or even think that

This is more likely to work BUT if he says destroy them then she can't use them if they break up.

But IF he is committed to a future with you then he should be doing this and paying into it too. If he's not then I wouldn't see him as being part of team with you.

Sorry you're in this situation, OP.

To me it sounds like you have to choose between (1) the chance of having a baby with him (very slim, with egg freezing in mid-30s) or someone else (equally slim, as you'd have to find someone first and then either use these frozen eggs or try with fresh but older eggs with an already-low ovarian reserve), and (2) the chance of a happy relationship with this man who doesn't sound overly committed to you or to a baby.

This is a shitty choice all-round. So sorry :(

It doesn’t sound like his actually bothered about having children with you. Eggs don’t have a huge change an embryo is best but that obviously gives him a say in if and when it’s used too but it does rather seem like dragging it out till it too late