Aibu to feel alone during egg freezing process?

[MyLittleKite]

I’ve been with my DP for a good few years, I’m mid 30s and he’s late 30s

We are currently living with his family as he left a great job to start his own biz, so he won’t have money coming in for a while. I support him wholeheartedly. I have what you’d consider an “impressive” job and although it doesn’t pay amazingly, it’s my dream job. We are both happy.

We both really want kids but he won’t have them until his business is off the ground. Fair enough, I also want to bring kids into a stable household (I had a v unstable upbringing.)

I have therefore decided to freeze my eggs, but I recently discovered that my count is slightly on the low-ish side which reduces the chance of a pricey procedure actually working. I’m still going to try a cycle next month, though.

This week, I told dp that a doctor told me Id have a much better chance of having a healthy pregnancy if I were to try for kids now. This prompted dp to announce he feels very guilty that I’m having to go through the freezing process because of him. He feels he’s holding me back. He says he’d “be able to sleep better” at night if he let me go to find someone who is ready for kids immediately, and thinks he’s being very unfair on me.

I have never ever told him I’m angry at him for wanting to delay kids and the conversation was a very loving one, just to give you an idea of tone.

We decided to pause that convo until we know the outcome of my first egg freezing cycle, next month.

But now, I feel like I can’t discuss my nervousness surrounding my latest pending egg count results because he might use it as an excuse to leave me. I feel sick with worry but I feel so alone.

The thing is, I wouldn’t want to have kids with someone I’d just met. I’ve been duped by crappy men before, and I’d like to have known someone for a couple of years before having a kid with them. And what if I don’t find someone? Time is not on my side.

Secondly, i have a very difficult family situation with zero support from them. I don’t think I can bear the shame of a failed relationship in my 30s. I can’t bear having to start over again - finding a house share, going back onto dating apps. I can’t bear the idea of any of it.

I’m also really close to my dp’s parents, they are basically the parents I never had. Losing my dp would see me lose pretty much everything.

I don’t really know what I’m asking here, other than I suppose, what would you do in my shoes?

He’s saying he’d rather lose you than try for a baby now. He’s saying you can’t afford a child but he’s willing to let you spend thousands on egg freezing. Honestly I think he is stringing you along on the kids front hoping you’ll either give up or get too old.

FWIW I split from my ex at 34, met my partner 9 months later and was pregnant at 37. The right man won’t mess about.

Yup. Doesn't make sense that he would freeze his sperm separately. If he was serious about having kids he'd create embryos since they have a higher success rate compared to eggs.

And then he'll turn round and say "I did tell you you should have gone and had them with someone else".

I'm really sorry, but I also don't think he wants children with you enough. He surely knows that by mid thirties you will want to start ttc soon and can't really wait around forever. Also not sure about giving up his home to start a new business. Agree that people normally build up their business on the side while working. He seems a bit immature maybe?

Be careful about freezing just embryos as you need both your permissions to use them. I remember a sad story of a woman who no longer had viable eggs and only had frozen embryos with her ex who no longer wanted a child with her.

Either use his sperm and your egg to create an embryo or start ttc together now
Or get a sperm donor and create your own embryo
Or leave him,

Time isn't on your side. Egg freezing isn't the magic wand some people have been lead to believe,

And like pp said he now has the "well I told you to go find someone to have a baby with you" line thrown out there!!

Is this what you want op?

And be wary of sunk cost fallacy

As others have said freezing eggs is not a guarantee of a pregnancy.
if my first IVF cycle ( infertility) we only had 6 viable eggs and only one could be Implanted and none to freeze.

have you worked out the cost of one cycle of freezing eggs and sperm?
and the cost of 2 cycles of ivf.

that total is probably enough for maternity leave.

Oh OP, I feel for you. I have been in a very similar situation - wasted my best fertile years with someone who swayed between being unsure if he wanted children, to being willing to try, to then, after an early miscarriage, being petrified again. I also froze eggs on my own, thankfully, during this on/off time where I could not find the courage to leave as I loved him so, so much. I honestly can tell you, it is so scary and hard but you WILL find someone else and you WILL get over him. Do you really want to miss out on the chances of having children by staying with him? I'm sorry, but I agree with other posters - he is trying to make you break up with him and/or make it not his fault that he does not want to have a baby with you now. When now is probably the best chance you're going to ever have to get pregnant. Has he been with you to the Drs? Surely hearing it from them should make him think "this is my chance to have children with her and I might not get it again". I think he is unsure about children or unsure about you. If he genuinely is sure he wants to have children with you, then there is no good reason to wait. And out of interest, do you want marriage? Dragging his feet on that too?

I left my ex at 36, after an on/off relationship from 28. It was so terrifying but I'm now in a (fairly new) relationship at 37 where he is so clear about what he wants and I know we're on the same page. I only wish I had left sooner when I was younger, as I know there's no guarantee that it'll happen for us when we're ready to have kids.

Re freezing eggs in general. It is certainly true that the stats are shocking and you should not go into this thinking it'll def work, but I think often people on here scaremonger a bit. It is not "freezing eggs" itself that causes problems - donor eggs nowadays are usually frozen eggs (as opposed to fresh eggs) and they have good stats for producing babies, it's more to do with your age etc when you freeze them and what the quality of your eggs are likely to be anyway. Also, the vast majority of women who freeze eggs do not go back to use them and there's not huge amounts of data as so few women do it for social reasons until more recently. I also think the average age of a woman freezing eggs was 38 which is already a bit too late... ideally you should be under 35..

Anyway, I just viewed it as something that I would never regret doing (assuming I could afford it) and something I might regret NOT doing, so it was worth the money for me. Feel free to PM me.

If you feel like you will stay with him, I'd consider freezing embryos instead of eggs. If your egg reserve is not great, you want the best chance of the procudures working in the future. Thawing eggs is a lot less successful than thawing embryos. Do you think he would opt for this, or would you? You could store both eggs and embryos to be sure.

These replies must be very painful for you to read, I'm sorry. But I think the fact that you feel sick with worry means that deep down you know that if he really wanted to have a baby with you, he wouldn't talk like that. He is trying to get you to leave him so that he isn't the bad guy for shattering your dreams.
I've been where you are. I know the dread at the thought of starting over. It's awful. But if you stay with him and he turns around and tells you he doesn't want children after all, or keeps putting it off until it's too late, your relationship likely won't survive anyway.
No one can say whether things will work out for you with someone else. I eventually had a child at 39 with my now husband. He was a somewhat reluctant father but didn't want to lose me and he has really embraced fatherhood now that our child is here. A close friend left a similar situation and didn't find someone new. She's ok, though there are times when she feels down. Another friend had a child with SEN. She loves him but her life is hard and not what she expected. There are never any guarantees either way.
I wish you the best.

I was in an unhappy marriage at 34, and although we both wanted children we didn't want sex with each other, so I divorced him. Taking that risk was scary but I didn't want to waste time - I'm now happily remarried and baby is due in 9 weeks. I'm 37.

This guy is wasting your time - he doesn't want to be with you, but he's shifted the responsibility of ending a relationship with a woman in her twilight fertile years onto you by saying you can leave.

You need to take the hint and go

@Coolstorybroh It really is tricky isn't it? So many of us having to jump ship with so little time left. I've also seen women run out of time and it's disgusting how little regard some men give to women's fertility window

He doesn't seem that bothered about having kids/committing to you.

When you talked about this upsetting procedure he made it all about him.

You're worried he might use your declining fertility as an excuse to dump you. He doesn't sound like a great catch tbh.

I wouldn’t freeze embryos with him
what if he waits until you are of a certain age and says no then you will not be able to use the embryos and will not be able to have any chance of having a baby
I honestly don’t know the law regarding this so if I’m wrong please ignore.

I think you need to play it forward 5 years. There are a few possibilities, you have already established you need 2 incomes to support yourselves and a child. Unless the business is something in which he has already an established reputation which he may well do approaching 40 (eg. marketing, It/engineering/HR consulting) the chances of it hitting a good income stream within that time frame are pretty small, although of course it depends on the business he might get lucky. Alternatively the business is unsuccessful and he loses all the capital invested you are still living with the in-laws and are no further forward with your plans to have a family.

Second possibility is that you leave, find someone who is serious about starting a family and you still have 5 years before you turn 40 and things get much more difficult for you.

Third is that he decides against having children after a couple of years and has already said to you you should have left five years ago! An easy guilt free situation for him to be in.

Egg harvesting carries physical risks to you, and is only part of the process. Eggs aren't always healthy enough to become embryos and the risk of miscarriage increases as you age from rising to 50% at 45.

Honestly if he really wanted a family with you, he would go back to his "great job," moved back to his parents and stop taking risks. He hasn't considered what you want at all. This is a major red flag.

He is happy to piss your fertility away. You need to look out for your interests.

Op I think the freezing eggs is a bit of a red herring- it's not guaranteed to work.
You need answers. Give it a time frame if necessary ie. Ask your partner if he is prepared to TTC in 6 months?
If he says probably not or give wishy washy answers then you need to weigh up if having kids is important to you.
Unfortunately from reading your posts I think he is stringing you along and will continue to do so. I think you'd get the same answer if you asked him today, or in 6 months, or in 3 years.

You don't say exactly how old you are but you could wake up in 10 years, your fertile years are past and he's still coming out with all these excuses.

You can meet someone new and have children, you don't know what's around the corner.
On of my ex colleagues knew his girlfriend really wanted kids, she had done since late 20s. He kept saying , maybe one day. They were together for somewhere between 10 and 15 years before she finally finished with him, a few months later she met someone, got married and had a baby within 2 years, she was 37. It's not too late. You have options, but not all of them will be around forever.
It must be very difficult for you. I these replies have brought you some clarity. Sending strength and love X

I'm sorry you're going through this, what an awful situation.
I had low AMH and did IVF at 35 and they only retrieved 5 eggs, of which 2 were good enough to be frozen. The 2nd one implanted.
At your age (no offence) I wouldn't waste any time with egg freezing, you need to go straight to IVF, or try to find a way to make finances work and try naturally right away.

I'd be very worried about his comments about finding someone else 😕

I'd be giving serious thought to whose sperm to use in this situation- his or a donor.

I'm afraid I don't think he ever intends to have children with you. If that were true, which is more important to you? The relationship, or the chance of having children?

Hi OP. Really sorry you’re going through this.

He’s totally entitled to say this of course but if I was on the receiving end and it was potentially at the cost of never having a child I really want, it’d make me reevaluate the relationship and how much he does want a child - and a child with you, crucially. He’s probably very aware there’s no time constraint on his fertility, relatively speaking anyway.

I’m 35 with a 9mo as I only met my husband a few years ago. We are trying again soon as I’m conscious of my age. Of course many women go on to have babies much later but I really want a second and I know too many who have struggled. We don’t really have the money for expensive IVF. So I wouldn’t delay if it’s something you really want to do. I’d have a candid conversation with him. If he’s not on board, I’m not sure I’d wait around for him to be ready - when he’s not the one where age is a factor to consider as much.

Frezing eggs at 35 is still a very good idea and better to do it than not. Egg quality is still very good at 35.

You do know how low your chances of conceiving with a frozen egg are, right?

Are you paying privately for this? I think you are being conned. Egg freezing is for women going through cancer treatment, etc, who will have no chance of conceiving naturally afterwoods, so freeze eggs so their chances of becoming a mother are not zero. Not quite zero.

Its not appropriate to use this to delay child rearing, because it normally just does not work

At your ages and stage of life, freezing is not the way to go. If you both want kids, you need to TTC now. Life doesn't neatly fall into place - what if his business doesn't take off? He needs to get real - you can't postpone kids if you want to have them together. Are your PILs able to help you financially?

At 39, I was in premature menopause. With no warning.

Bollocks. I’m sorry but you’ve wasted your time here. This man is categorically not in love with you. You really need to be brave and leave. You’re just going to end up even more screwed over than you are now

What everyone else said really. Particularly bizarre the idea your fertility (highly time sensitive) should wait on him starting his business (which he could do in 5, 10, 15 years, presumably). Fair enough to not be able to have a baby on one salary- I wouldn't have been able to either. The solution- he gets a job. Any reasonably paying job.

If he wanted to, he would. Sorry.