Aibu to feel alone during egg freezing process?

[MyLittleKite]

I’ve been with my DP for a good few years, I’m mid 30s and he’s late 30s

We are currently living with his family as he left a great job to start his own biz, so he won’t have money coming in for a while. I support him wholeheartedly. I have what you’d consider an “impressive” job and although it doesn’t pay amazingly, it’s my dream job. We are both happy.

We both really want kids but he won’t have them until his business is off the ground. Fair enough, I also want to bring kids into a stable household (I had a v unstable upbringing.)

I have therefore decided to freeze my eggs, but I recently discovered that my count is slightly on the low-ish side which reduces the chance of a pricey procedure actually working. I’m still going to try a cycle next month, though.

This week, I told dp that a doctor told me Id have a much better chance of having a healthy pregnancy if I were to try for kids now. This prompted dp to announce he feels very guilty that I’m having to go through the freezing process because of him. He feels he’s holding me back. He says he’d “be able to sleep better” at night if he let me go to find someone who is ready for kids immediately, and thinks he’s being very unfair on me.

I have never ever told him I’m angry at him for wanting to delay kids and the conversation was a very loving one, just to give you an idea of tone.

We decided to pause that convo until we know the outcome of my first egg freezing cycle, next month.

But now, I feel like I can’t discuss my nervousness surrounding my latest pending egg count results because he might use it as an excuse to leave me. I feel sick with worry but I feel so alone.

The thing is, I wouldn’t want to have kids with someone I’d just met. I’ve been duped by crappy men before, and I’d like to have known someone for a couple of years before having a kid with them. And what if I don’t find someone? Time is not on my side.

Secondly, i have a very difficult family situation with zero support from them. I don’t think I can bear the shame of a failed relationship in my 30s. I can’t bear having to start over again - finding a house share, going back onto dating apps. I can’t bear the idea of any of it.

I’m also really close to my dp’s parents, they are basically the parents I never had. Losing my dp would see me lose pretty much everything.

I don’t really know what I’m asking here, other than I suppose, what would you do in my shoes?

You've just had warning shots across the bow regarding your fertility, you need to get serious about conceiving your children now.

This man sounds like he's going to push kids with you further and further down the road, until they're not really an option at all. Frozen eggs have a poor success rate, but even so, I'd bet he finds some other excuse when it seems the time is right to thaw a couple out and give them a shot.

He's letting you go through the side effects and expense of unnecessary fertility treatments to keep up this little "one day, when everything is perfect" ruse. That's cruel.

I think it’s awful you’re expected to go through this procedure, that probably won’t work, so he can follow his business dreams.

No wonder you feel alone.

Don't freeze your eggs. Fertilise them, with someone else.

I imagine this thread has been a tough read so I hope you are ok.

I was diagnosed with a low egg reserve for my age. The consultant offered to fast track me to IVF immediately, in the end I had a laparoscopy first, but from my low egg reserve test result to starting IVF was only 7 months. I’m just cautioning you that depending on your levels, it could be an urgent situation.

If he wants to mess around getting his business sorted you could miss the boat with your fertility. It’s better to freeze embryos than eggs and even an embryo isn’t a guaranteed baby. Only around 1/3 IVF cycles have a successful outcome and that’s with embryos, not eggs.

Depending on your AMH level I’d seriously consider going it alone.

Leave him. He knowingly quit his job, years into a long-term relationship with a woman that he knows has limited time to conceive. He was happy to watch you sacrifice your housing to enable him and only now is suggesting you break up because if you are willing to freeze your eggs, then you will push the issue at some point. You are not his priority. A baby will not be his priority.

I’m sorry, I know this is harsh but I have known women who have made this sacrifice for men who then turned around and left them for younger women who they then had children with. If you want a child, no man is worth this.

Sorry op at best he not on the same page as you re timing and children. At worse he doesn't want children with you. Sadly you a choice here either stay with him and understand you may never have children or leave him and find someone who wants children with you.

I think it’s clear that his new business venture is his ‘baby’ and he is following his dreams. No-one is owed or entitled to a child but he owes it to his long term partner to let her go and pursue her own dreams. I believe he has already conceded this?

So, go ahead and leave. Start afresh and take control of your own life.

As someone who started the fertility journey late and was very, very lucky to get a pregnancy on my 4th full round of IVF, I really agree with all of the above. We always hope for the best, but I've seen too many people freeze their eggs in their mid-30s or start IVFs in their 40s and just never manage to get pregnant.

Realistically the options right now are for you to try to get pregnant NOW with DP, freeze embryos with him, or go it alone. I wouldn't rely on waiting for a new partner to show up.

Regarding getting pregnant now: remember that if you start now, it will probably take you several tries even with fertility treatment. That means (at least) a good year to get organised until you have kids. I know everyone wants things to be perfect for when the baby comes, but everyone manages. Just saying - if you wait till the circumstances are right, you'll probably be waiting forever. But from what you outlined above, he might just be overwhelmed by what he thinks the dad role should be and is nervous about building his business. It sounds like you have a decent, loving partner and a happy home. I think the thing to work on is lowering the expectations - what a baby needs is love, not two parents with perfect careers. You don't need tons of money, you can get everything second hand. No time is ever perfect to have a baby but you'll make it work.

It sounded like he was trying to end things. Seems like an odd way for him to handle his ‘guilt’.

Hi OP, I met my husband at 35. Married at 36, had DD at 37. Conceived naturally. It can happen.

This man is not the father of your children - frankly, he sounds like manchild. Starting a business and moving back with his parents in his late thirties when you two have been discussing having kids? Just no. He's only saying he feels guilty so later on, when you blame him, he'll say he told you you should leave.

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult position in terms of egg reserves and age. If he was committed to your relationship and to having dc with you, he would recognise that you need to ttc now, no time to waste.

Like everyone else, I think he's not that into you or having children with you. I'm sorry, I know how shit it is when you are in your mid 30's. I left a crappy long-term relationship few weeks before I turned 35. Before meeting him I had been single or in short-term relationships for so many years, so I had no reason to trust that I would finally meet the man of my dream soon and have children naturally. But I did. 6 months after leaving my ex partner I met a new guy, and 20 months later I got pregnant, now we have a baby and will get married next month. I know I've been lucky, both in meeting my partner and fertility-wise, but I'm still so glad I ditched my ex-partner, and only wish I'd left him earlier.
By the way he's much younger than me, and when I was pregnant he agreed to stay one year longer at his dead-end job where he was bored out of his mind, so we could have a bit of stability. Even if that meant he let some opportunities go by. What I mean is that if a guy is really in love with you and really wants to have children with you, he will work around his job situation to fit your timeline, not the other way around.
Hope things work for you

I'd be very upset at how flippantly he tasks of 'letting you go'.

Either he's not serious about you/the relationship OR he thinks he can bend you over to his wants because you won't leave.

Something I overlooked OP which a friend reminded me was to also account for any potential delays for referrals and things with IVF. There’s a lot of waiting around too once you even start treatment. He needs to understand all this and hear it from a medical professional although I must say it doesn’t seem to have had much impact hearing about your egg reserves.

And also for those reading who would need to go down the NHS route first - which is the vast majority of us, let’s be fair - remember you need to be trying for a year first or six months if over 35 I think but please correct me if I’m wrong.

He doesn't actually want kids with you. I years to come, when you're balling your eyes out because you've missed your chance he will be able to say "I told you to go find someone else".

Dump him, freeze the eggs anyway, and find someone else. The stuff about money, dating etc is catastrophizing. You will be fine.

My DH wasn't ready for kids, and was hoping we would wait a few more years. He is in the middle of getting something off the ground too but because my fertility is also an issue, he read about it, read about IVF and said let's do it, he doesn't want IVF if he can help it. He even went on a health kick to make sure we were both healthy and had the best chances to conceive naturally (which we did). Life is so much easier when your partner is on board!