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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband going out when grandson is unwell

74 replies

Shushbabe · 03/03/2024 19:08

Our daughter has two children aged 6 and 3.

Over the last week, the two year old has had to be admitted to hospital due to severe asthma and is in the high dependency unit. Our daughter was so distressed as it was touch and go for a while. She's been with him night and day in hospital.

On Thursday, he was allowed out for the day but had to return to the ward at night as his oxygen levels plummet at night and he needs a mask. Our daughter asked if we could take care of her older son and have him over night then drop him to school as her husband had late meetings. Whilst they were on "day release" they came to visit us and our son was also over his his daughter. Our son asked what meetings he had and said how awful it was that the husbands work wasn't being so understanding. It was then that our daughter sheepishly said it wasn't really work meetings but a night out with pals.

I didn't say anything but I could tell my husband (grandfather) was slightly angry and I feel upset that my daughters husband has gone off on a night out leaving us to care for their older son and travel 20 miles for the school run rather than prioritising his family.

Should he be allowed a night out or AIBR?

OP posts:
ProudDada · 03/03/2024 19:13

He should be allowed a night out. But they should be open with you for the reason for asking you to help out.

Pigeonqueen · 03/03/2024 19:15

Well he’s an arse isn’t he. But for now I wouldn’t say anything. Your daughter is likely to be stressed to the hilt, she won’t need you creating more drama by interfering and saying what you think. Just be supportive for now. She will pull him on it in time or come to realise where his priorities lie.

Moonlaserbearwolf · 03/03/2024 19:15

Your daughter shouldn’t be telling lies. She needs to tell the truth next time and then you can make an informed decision about whether you’d like to help out.
Nothing wrong in principle with the husband wanting a night out. But silly to lie about it.

Zebrasinpyjamas · 03/03/2024 19:15

I think it's is unreasonable to have a night out when your DC has such a severe illness (it would be different if it was a very prolonged thing as long term carers need respite too ).

Newbutoldfather · 03/03/2024 19:16

I don’t know which way the AIBU is meant to work as it isn’t clear but if I am correct in thinking that your daughter has lied to you in order that you can look after her son overnight, to facilitate her husband’s night out, then it is beyond cheeky.,

I would tell her to look after her son, or make her husband stay home to do it and you won’t tolerate that kind of getting favours by deception.

Redglitter · 03/03/2024 19:16

I'd be more pissed off that my daughter had lied to me about why he was out that evening. She should have been honest with you

pavillion1 · 03/03/2024 19:16

No this is not ok are you're right to feel angry . He clearly needs to sort out his priorities. Id be so worried for my daughter if she ever married a man like that .

Mumoftwo2022 · 03/03/2024 19:16

He is unreasonable. Child is in hospital so should be caring for the other other child for getting his in laws to do it for him whilst he goes out. What a joke my mum would be fuming if my husband did that and would refuse to look after child so that he has to do it

MrsWPooh · 03/03/2024 19:17

They should have been upfront so you could have had the choice to babysit or not. Personally I think it’s a bloody cheek that he went out socialising when his son was unwell and your DD needed him to look after his own son.

Spirallingdownwards · 03/03/2024 19:17

If your daughter was okay with it then so should you be. If you don't want to have the grandchildren tell them. I suspect she knew you or your husband would not be happy which is why she lied to you. Does he have a history of being difficult or critical of her/him? What a shame she wasn't comfortable enough to be able to tell the truth especially with what they are going through.

Pigeonqueen · 03/03/2024 19:17

I suspect the daughter didn’t want an argument on top of everything else - and judgement from her Mum and Dad- so that’s why she’s lied. If the husband has form for this, and I would suspect he does, then she’s probably fed up with it all.

pavillion1 · 03/03/2024 19:18

Im guessing your daughter felt so embarrassed that she tried to save face a lie about it .

DaughterNo2 · 03/03/2024 19:18

Ur title is very misleading

Moonlaserbearwolf · 03/03/2024 19:18

I would also be worried about whether your daughter had lied at other times to enable her husband to shirk responsibility. Hopefully this is a one off, but what if it’s symptomatic of a deeper issue in their relationship?

HeddaGarbled · 03/03/2024 19:18

That’s bad. Rubbish parenting, rubbish husbanding.

OrangeLemonLime24 · 03/03/2024 19:18

I wouldn’t like being lied to. It feels deceptive as your grandchild is so ill and they must know that tugs on your heart strings.

It’s not quite the same but I regularly had a friend’s daughter over in the school holidays as mum and dad worked and I’m a teacher. It was all fine until one day dad mentioned that he wasn’t off to work but off to the gym: he was on the afternoon shift that week but had dropped his DD off at mine at 9am! If they’d been honest, I wouldn’t have minded but I felt very taken advantaged of and it left a sour taste. I’m less forthcoming on the ‘don’t suppose you can have xx in the hols again can you?” messages these days.

Createausername1970 · 03/03/2024 19:23

It's the lying about it that would annoy me.

If the night out had been arranged for a while, and child was not critical, then it's not unreasonable for the husband to still go. But they should have said so, and given you the opportunity to say yes or no.

2907fe9166a247bb9f7 · 03/03/2024 19:23

I’d be pissed off he wasn’t looking after his family but I’d be even more pissed off she lied to you and I’d refuse to watch him for his night out.

She knew you would look down on his night out (as you should) when their child is in the hospital. Hence the lie

Newbutoldfather · 03/03/2024 19:26

It is the worst kind of ‘crying wolf’.

Next time they are ask for a favour as they are stuck for childcare, I would ask for proof that they aren’t just going on a jolly.

beAsensible1 · 03/03/2024 19:26

This expectation of grandparents to pick up the slack of lazy fathers has got to stop.

it is constant on here and ridiculous. Of course she was embarrassed and rather than covering for him she should be pulling him up on. He needs to pull his weight, his other child is in hospital ffs.

Original poster
Shushbabe · 03/03/2024 19:27

Thanks for your responses. I'm angry because it was made out to be something he couldn't get out of but actually it was a night out with friends which he could have refused and somehow childcare responsibilities are (again) shifted from the father to a female relative. Our daughter was sleeping on the floor of a hospital with our grandchild. It's not inconceivable he should cancel a night out to take care of his other child. In other times we of course wouldn't have minded, but if this won't make him re-evaluate his plans, what does?!

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 03/03/2024 19:28

@Pigeonqueen makes good points.

Shit of your DD’s H, not good that she lied, but now’s not the time to say so.

cansu · 03/03/2024 19:29

Sounds like she was embarrassed. In any event if you want to help then you should. If you don't then say so. I wouldn't be giving your dd a hard time about it. It sounds very stressful as it is.

2907fe9166a247bb9f7 · 03/03/2024 19:30

Shushbabe · 03/03/2024 19:27

Thanks for your responses. I'm angry because it was made out to be something he couldn't get out of but actually it was a night out with friends which he could have refused and somehow childcare responsibilities are (again) shifted from the father to a female relative. Our daughter was sleeping on the floor of a hospital with our grandchild. It's not inconceivable he should cancel a night out to take care of his other child. In other times we of course wouldn't have minded, but if this won't make him re-evaluate his plans, what does?!

Nothing. He sounds like a Twat.

why is your daughter staying with someone like this?

Noicant · 03/03/2024 19:30

I don’t understand how any farther could go out when his child is in and out of hospital. Thats just awful.