Husband going out when grandson is unwell

[Shushbabe]

Our daughter has two children aged 6 and 3.

Over the last week, the two year old has had to be admitted to hospital due to severe asthma and is in the high dependency unit. Our daughter was so distressed as it was touch and go for a while. She's been with him night and day in hospital.

On Thursday, he was allowed out for the day but had to return to the ward at night as his oxygen levels plummet at night and he needs a mask. Our daughter asked if we could take care of her older son and have him over night then drop him to school as her husband had late meetings. Whilst they were on "day release" they came to visit us and our son was also over his his daughter. Our son asked what meetings he had and said how awful it was that the husbands work wasn't being so understanding. It was then that our daughter sheepishly said it wasn't really work meetings but a night out with pals.

I didn't say anything but I could tell my husband (grandfather) was slightly angry and I feel upset that my daughters husband has gone off on a night out leaving us to care for their older son and travel 20 miles for the school run rather than prioritising his family.

Should he be allowed a night out or AIBR?

It's risk madness isn't it!

@MintyCedric and @5128gap probably have the measure of this - your daughter may not even realise quite how horrible her H is being, she may know full well but have decided she doesn’t have the energy to change things with a preschooler who gets seriously ill and an older child to deal with…

I would deal with your feelings about her H on your own - do not judge her for his behaviour. At the very most, when things are back on a more even keel, you might want to express that you’re sorry she felt she had to lie to you about why she needed the childcare help while her littlest was in hospital, because you’re there for her if she needs support for any reason.

Be there for her as much as possible going forward. Offer a listening ear, ask how she is feeling, most importantly LISTEN to what she is telling you and leave space for her to talk if she wants to. No-one wants to confide if they fear being judged or told what to do - it’s not always simple.

Does your daughter work outside the home? If not I’d use the next year or two, before the youngest starts school, to encourage her to go back to work when the youngest is settled in reception. If you are in a position to help make that easier with school pick ups etc then do what you can on that front.

Her H sounds entirely selfish at the very least, and the more independence she has, financial and otherwise, the fewer barriers she will have in future to leaving him.

I really recommend you read the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft (you can download on kindle app/Apple Books or get a hard copy second hand). It provides an incredible insight into the impact of being with an abuser of any kind. It also makes the very valid point that telling someone in that situation what to do isn’t necessarily the best way to support them - they are already being told what to do and having their own empowerment eroded enough within their relationship.

I hope your grandson is better soon. 💐

(Might be nice to invite her over with the children for an afternoon when they get out of hospital - or offer to go over and mind the children so she can have a nap. Doesn’t sound like the kind of thing her H would do for her…)

Be better than him and provide her with support you’re able to. NO JUDGEMENT. She’s your priority - don’t waste energy on him.

If he chose them for a night out above a sick child he's a waste of fucking space and I don't care if they come from mars once a fucking millennium!

Would you do it? Go to a spa because your pal came over from Australia, leave your very sick child and have a dry fun day out and a right old knees up?

Would you?

The difference in standards expected between mothers and fathers is still huge for some posters.
Some people on here are arguing that not only does this father not need to be visiting his acutely sick child, he should be able to dump his other child on grandparents to go out on a jolly.
The poor OP yesterday whose only child was in hospital was criticised by some for abandoning her child to go home and gave a shower - when that child’s father had taken over at the hospital.

It's cheeky. I'd be annoyed too.

He’s likely a controlling prick. I would quietly try to gauge whether she’s on board with this night out and happily lied to you, or whether she’s actually gutted about it but is pretending it’s ok to keep peace with him.

is he always such a tosser? Is he abusive?

Honestly no good man goes out in this circumstance.

Felt so irritated by this dickhead’s behaviour I forgot to finish my point… if there’s any chance he is controlling behind closed doors, don’t make it hard for your daughter. Make it easy for her to rely on you and talk to you. People lie and cover up for their partner’s bad behaviour all the time. It’s something that feels shameful, so try to pretend you’re happy to help and slooowly dig a bit under the surface. Sorry to hear about your grandson, hope he gets better really quickly

I lied a few times to my family about my ex - I was just too embarrassed and ashamed to tell the truth about his awful decisions.

I’ve never had to lie about my DH now though, he would always put family first. I’d be worried for your daughter.

You son-in-law is a shit and your daughter a mug for enabling it.
Why isn't he taking his turn at the hospital? He should not even be at work, let alone getting rat arsed with his mates.

Well that's a shit show all round

Your dd shouldn't be lying, but probably did because she knows what a shitty father her husband is being, she was embarrassed and didn't want you to say no because her dh should be stepping up.

Everyone is 'allowed' a night out, but as a parent your kids should come first. I wouldn't dream of going out in those circumstances.

I agree with you totally OP.

It’s really shitty of the husband not to cancel his plans when one of his children is so ill, and the other is probably missing his Mum and sibling. Possibly even worried about him at age 6.

Also the passing on of responsibility to you.

Id cut your daughter some slack - she’s probably embarrassed to have such a shitty husband, and sleeping on a hospital floor is pretty rubbish for anyone. Have they done away with beds for parents?

This mad doesn’t sound like a good dad.

Also how could anyone enjoy a night out in these circumstances?

Agree with this! I’m a grandparent and there’s not a chance in hell I’d baby sit in these circumstances. His child is ill in hospital and he’s off probable getting pissed. He should be at home, sober and looking after his other child.

@Shushbabe

@ProudDada · Today 19:13

He should be allowed a night out. But they should be open with you for the reason for asking you to help out. are you for real??? dad's son is seriously ill in hospital and he is going out on the piss with his mates? no wonder daughter was sheepish!!! I would be mortified and ashamed if that was my hubby being a selfish shit! he should be looking after his own son in his own home and foregoing his night on the tiles! disgraceful example of a "dad"!

wow I’d be pissed off. No way would my husband go out if we had one child in hospital. Be honest with your daughter - you lied to us and I’m pissed off. I’m sorry your husband is a bit crap but next time you tell him that instead of lying to us, I’ll happily tell him good dads don’t go out partying when they have a child in hospital and another child that needs looking after.

No way could I let this slide! He should be putting his family first not his mates.

Who on earth want's a night out when there child is so ill he should be supporting his family, he can have his desperately needed night out when his child is well enough to come home from hospital!!!

Who the everloving fuck is defending this sorry manchild?!

I really feel for your daughter, what a horrible position for her to have been in.

Vile, vile behaviour. My marriage would be over

Your daughter lied because she knew her H behaviour was unacceptable. Now isn’t the time but I would let him know later that his priorities are wrong.

Yanbu.i don't think I have to explain why.What a pair of selfish twats

OP your poor daughter and grandchildren. She must be so worried, your grandson will probably be picking up on it and this man is leaving them and his hospitalised child to go on a night out? It’s not even like he’s asked you to look after your grandson, so he can force your daughter to take a break. YANBU at all, your daughter was probably too embarrassed to tell you about his behaviour so be gentle on her.

Why is she enabling this behaviour? Have you asked her how she feels about it
A marriage like that can't last, she will remember that he did this.

Oh you are shitting me with this? Who the fuck cares about friends who are in town for a visit when you have one child ill in hospital and another who needs care?

Exactly! What a low standard that poster has if they think it’s acceptable! Kids in hospital but fuck it have a night out.