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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband going out when grandson is unwell

74 replies

Shushbabe · 03/03/2024 19:08

Our daughter has two children aged 6 and 3.

Over the last week, the two year old has had to be admitted to hospital due to severe asthma and is in the high dependency unit. Our daughter was so distressed as it was touch and go for a while. She's been with him night and day in hospital.

On Thursday, he was allowed out for the day but had to return to the ward at night as his oxygen levels plummet at night and he needs a mask. Our daughter asked if we could take care of her older son and have him over night then drop him to school as her husband had late meetings. Whilst they were on "day release" they came to visit us and our son was also over his his daughter. Our son asked what meetings he had and said how awful it was that the husbands work wasn't being so understanding. It was then that our daughter sheepishly said it wasn't really work meetings but a night out with pals.

I didn't say anything but I could tell my husband (grandfather) was slightly angry and I feel upset that my daughters husband has gone off on a night out leaving us to care for their older son and travel 20 miles for the school run rather than prioritising his family.

Should he be allowed a night out or AIBR?

OP posts:
Whoknows101 · 03/03/2024 19:32

I don't personally know anyone who would think it's reasonable to go on a night out whilst their young child is hospitalised with an acute illness, particularly with another young child at home who needs looking after too.

Regardless of that, it's quite clearly very unreasonable to ask for help with childcare in that situation without being upfront with the reason why - people will be keen to help out a family in that situation and it's unfair to take advantage of that for something unrelated.

I'd say your daughter needs your support in this situation as the way it's been written implies she is probably fairly mortified to be covering for a man who thinks this is ok.

5128gap · 03/03/2024 19:32

If my DD resorted to lying to me to enable her H to have a night out then warning bells would be ringing for me. You know your DD best, do you think she's colluded willingly or is there a chance she is being coerced? Honestly, your SiL doesn't sound the best based on the outing alone, never mind allowing his wife to lie for him, but I'd be worried there was more going on.

Vaz66 · 03/03/2024 19:33

I’d be fuming but then my Son in law would never pull such a stunt with his child in hospital. What a dickhead and your DD shouldn’t have covered for him.

Nothingbuttheglory · 03/03/2024 19:33

My dh has friends who live in places like the Middle and Far East - they come back once a year, if they're lucky. A night out with them would count as a big deal, so if its something like that I could understand it. They shouldn't be lying to you though.

Bumble84 · 03/03/2024 19:35

My DH drives me nuts at times but I know for a fact wild horses wouldn’t make him go for a night out over being with our children if they’d just been hospitalised!

quietnightmare · 03/03/2024 19:36

Night out when your own child is in hospital IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. I'm shocked anyone thinks it's ok. To put it lightly your daughters husband is a pig and thick as they come

hsar200 · 03/03/2024 19:38

Could also perhaps be that your daughter was coerced by her husband to lie to you

GrumpyPanda · 03/03/2024 19:41

Sounds like she's in a shit marriage. Do what yiu deem best but make sure she's not put off coming to you if she needs help getting out.

TheSnowyOwl · 03/03/2024 19:42

I didn't say anything but I could tell my husband (grandfather) was slightly angry and I feel upset that my daughters husband has gone off on a night out leaving us to care for their older son and travel 20 miles for the school run rather than prioritising his family.

Should he be allowed a night out or AIBR?

There is nothing wrong with asking you to look after the older child and do the school run, even whilst their other child is ill. The issue is lying to you about it.

FluffMagnet · 03/03/2024 19:46

Look, I know your DD deceived you, but she was in an incredibly stressful situation at the time she asked. No decent man I know would even dream of going on a night out when their child was touch and go in hospital. As such, I can only assume he was harassing your DD to sort childcare for your eldest or threatening to leave him alone on the assumption she would leave the youngest in hospital and come home. In such a scenario, I'm guessing every parent would be calling round friends and family with whatever white lie made the situation more palatable in order to get help. I think once this passes you need to check quietly with your DD what happened and if she needs help leaving this pitiful excuse for a father.

Fraaahnces · 03/03/2024 19:51

While I would be furious too, I think you should talk to your son and see if he knows more than he has told you. Maybe he has more insight which is why he asked in front of you? (Your SIL sounds like an absolute dick, but remember you might need to protect DD from worse behaviour, so check before losing your temper.)

rwalker · 03/03/2024 19:56

she shouldn’t of lied or felt the need to lie but at stressful times
isn’t that the point of stepping in so they can have a break

solarised · 03/03/2024 20:00

When things settle down I'd ask why she lied.

pilates · 03/03/2024 20:07

Although I would be pissed off with SIL, I would do it for DD. Your DD knows he is being an arsehole and that is why she lied to you. I wouldn’t cause any more grief for your DD and keep quiet. I hope your GS gets better soon 💐

MintyCedric · 03/03/2024 20:57

5128gap · 03/03/2024 19:32

If my DD resorted to lying to me to enable her H to have a night out then warning bells would be ringing for me. You know your DD best, do you think she's colluded willingly or is there a chance she is being coerced? Honestly, your SiL doesn't sound the best based on the outing alone, never mind allowing his wife to lie for him, but I'd be worried there was more going on.

Absolutely this…the number of times I lied and withheld info from my parents when I was in an abusive marriage because I couldn’t face the anger of my H and the judgement and pressure from my mum to deal with him was unreal.

Now obviously isn’t the time to address this with your DD but once your grandson is in the mend I’d suggest instigating a gentle chat.

Iloveshihtzus · 03/03/2024 21:03

Nothingbuttheglory · 03/03/2024 19:33

My dh has friends who live in places like the Middle and Far East - they come back once a year, if they're lucky. A night out with them would count as a big deal, so if its something like that I could understand it. They shouldn't be lying to you though.

Wow, the gymnastics people go through on here to make excuses fit shit dads.

Of course YANBU OP. And as fit people saying, well yes he’s bad but just keep quiet about it to support your DD? Why must grandparents step up for shit dads?

Emptyheadlock · 03/03/2024 21:04

He is an absolute fucking disgrace.

JanetareyouokareyouokJanet · 03/03/2024 21:06

Emptyheadlock · 03/03/2024 21:04

He is an absolute fucking disgrace.

This! He can have a night out any other time.

Lovingitallnow · 03/03/2024 21:08

I am in two minds about the lying. On one hand I think I'd be so embarrassed that I don't know if I could say it to my mom that dh was such a dickhead. But when I think about it actually I'd be so angry that I think I'd be cursing him and calling him every name under the sun and crying to my mom about what an asshole I'd married. So the fact she's not doing that (if she's like me) means that he's such an incredible arsehole that she's been covering him for years and is in too deep now. So I'd be concerned.

commonground · 03/03/2024 21:11

It's obviously not OK. But then, you already know that.

Giveupnow · 03/03/2024 21:16

This is outrageous! I can’t believe the amount of replies saying he is entitled to a night out! Not in these circumstances he isn’t!!

Child is ill, plans get cancelled, that’s just being a parent. Absolutely unbelievable they lied to get you to do the childcare. In no way whatsoever is this acceptable.

mindutopia · 03/03/2024 21:22

There is no way in hell my Dh would be choosing to go on a night out if one of our dc was in hospital, never mind whether there was another child to look after.

He’s in the HDU. What if he became critically ill over night? And his dad couldn’t get there because he’d been on a night out drinking.

He should be home caring for his other child, yes. But he should also be sober and clear headed to make important decisions about his son’s care and getting a good nights sleep so he can trade off with your dd, so she’s able to sleep the next day. I’ve been in hospital with both of mine and barely slept both times. I needed Dh to relieve me the next day so I could eat and sleep for a few hours.

A night out can happen any other time, but now isn’t is.

BritneyBookClubPresident · 03/03/2024 21:24

Whoknows101 · 03/03/2024 19:32

I don't personally know anyone who would think it's reasonable to go on a night out whilst their young child is hospitalised with an acute illness, particularly with another young child at home who needs looking after too.

Regardless of that, it's quite clearly very unreasonable to ask for help with childcare in that situation without being upfront with the reason why - people will be keen to help out a family in that situation and it's unfair to take advantage of that for something unrelated.

I'd say your daughter needs your support in this situation as the way it's been written implies she is probably fairly mortified to be covering for a man who thinks this is ok.

This

puzzledout · 03/03/2024 21:24

ProudDada · 03/03/2024 19:13

He should be allowed a night out. But they should be open with you for the reason for asking you to help out.

No he should not! Or should both parents go out for the night whilst their child is in hospital and treat it as a babysitting service?

Giveupnow · 03/03/2024 21:25

Also MN is such a ridiculous place sometimes. I commented once on a thread that I was upset that my parents didn’t help me with any childcare when I was literally almost dying in hospital, and was told that I should never ever expect any help with childcare as it was my choice to have them and don’t be entitled.

and then here people are like “oh they can ask you for childcare for a night out” 🤔

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