Random mum said she thinks my ds has SEN

[Loudippity]

At soft play today my ds 4 got playing with another boy. I got chatting to their mum who went on to tell me her ds had ASD. My ds always pulls up his sleeves and trousers and is very friendly/forward she said her DS does and is like this too. My ds has great vocab which she commented on. She said things like her DS loves his sleep and is specific about his cutlery etc and I said oh my ds too. She then basically said she thinks my son probably has ASD.

My first question is AIBU that this not appropriate to say especially if you don't know someone.

My second question is should I be taking notice? My ds was observed at nursery for SEN when he was younger as he used to play alone but this sorted itself out and he has lots of friends now and nursery said no concerns or referrals needed.

Just feel a little confused.

You’re interpreting it as an insult. She was probably just making an innocent observation and probably thought you would find it a relief to know why your kid didn’t things he does 🤷‍♀️

@Sunflower8848 not insulted just taken a back as she was commenting on things she was observing such as the trousers and his friendliness/vocab. I wasn't asking for advice about these things. It's also something that takes years to diagnose so to say this to another parent you don't know was a little over familiar I thought

Sounds like she had good intentions. I think people can be too reserved sometimes, she might have thought she was helping.

If her son has ASD it's likely she may have it too and made a bit of a social mistake because of it.

I think autism just gets thrown around to much these days, much like mental health. It really shouldn't be diagnosed by random people.

I say that as autistic person & parent of a autistic child.

Tell her to join MN. She'll fit right in.

Why is it a social mistake? Her ds has ASD. She obviously wasn’t saying this as an insult! More her observation.

It can be helpful,

I agree, literally anything and people jump to autism. It used to be that a narrow profile of behaviours indicated autism, now it feels like you have to fit a narrow profile of behaviours to be NT. And anything outside of that is either autism, ADHD or both. It’s really getting out of hand and I wonder how it will blow back on us in future years. If your son is happy and reaching milestones then he’s absolutely fine.

Friendliness? It was playing alone 2 minutes ago. Honestly, just nod and ignore.

Why is it a social mistake? Her ds has ASD. She obviously wasn’t saying this as an insult! More her observation

It doesn't have to be an insult for it to be a mistake. It's not usual for a person to suggest diagnosis to a stranger they've just met.

It's only an insult if you think there's something wrong with neurodiversity.

She obviously can't know from a brief meeting, but she's observed some similarities. I'd file away the thought and see if it links up with any other behaviours.

The phrase used by pp was social mistake, not diagnostic mistake.

A social mistake means someone has not understood social norms and thereby caused offence.

Agreed, completely

And actually its not that unusual. I know someone who has had several 'random women' say her son exhibits ADHD behaviours (they have ADHD children themselves). And frankly, he does.

People are trying to be helpful based on their own experience so that a child who may need support gets it.

A big part of my actual employed job when my kids were small was to identify unmet need, ie to make sure that kids with SEND were being sent for the correct assessments. I wasn't qualified to diagnose autism so I didn't, I would ask if anyone had ever suggested they might benefit from an assessment, and had that been followed up, and explain why I thought an assessment might be useful. Mostly I was right, but often the same behaviours can have different causes. So let's retain curiosity but not go round diagnosing children we barely know based on them conforming to a few stereotypes and tropes.
OP speak to your child's school. They know him, and they know children. If you're convinced they've got him wrong, go to the GP. But based on your own knowledge of his needs, not a comment from a random soft play Mum.

I think she’s come from a place of thinking her experience or knowledge might help you/ your son. She’s seen something in your son that rreminds her of her own son- and whether it is ASD or not nobody on here can advise.
you can decide now whether anything said rings true and warrants further investigation or whether to just file it away and forget about it.

A social mistake means someone has not understood social norms and thereby caused offence

Do you think it's a social norm to suggest a diagnosis of a strangers child when you've only just met them?
Of course it isn't. Therefore the woman made a social mistake.

Thankfully diagnosing ASD is a lot more complex than the brief observations from an unqualified mum at soft play. Some people really like to broadcast their ignorance.

Absolutely and it results in people, old and young, who do have autism being taken less seriously.

I wouldn't take it personally. People love to diagnose anyone with any random idiosyncrasy these days. Maybe she thought she was being helpful or said it to make herself feel better that your son had the same issues as hers.

I was out last night and a bloke randomly dropped his pants! It's happens, but my point is, we all agreed he was a "child" and act his age and the reason we went with child instead of autism is because kids drop their pants for no bloody reason other than they're kids and don't care! My DD was a nightmare to keep clothes on - just wanted to be naked - all day every day. Hated clothes. She is now 15 and thankfully much more modest and clothed in public
She does not have any learning difficulties and grew out of it at nursery/reception. Shoes were the one thing she hated, but that too went away. I agree the lady wasn't being rude, but personally I wouldn't have liked anyone to suggesting I test mine (at least not to my face!). Why or what had prompted her to have her kid tested them I guess that could open the window....it just feels like everything has to be a syndrome. Kid is quiet: antisocial, kid is boisterous: ADHD, a kid is emotional etc half the kids I know are in therapy because it would seem having poor mental health is a is something to strive for and all behaviours are excused because "x' has behavioural syndrome and that's down to parents! No matter what a child does now , from birth we're diagnosing it instead of rearing out kids to be accountable, have manners (or put some clothes on) and I swear we've turned them into weak, blame shifting, anxious people
This generation are a bunch of quivering wrecks! Anyone say I'm not Woke, go look up what that actually means! I have never seen a more insecure, uneducated and uninspired bunch of kids in my life. They came to Mummy and Me full of joy, energy, silliness, openness and yes, tiredness, hungry or just in a bad mood but by the time they are in reception they have: low self esteem, AdbGh... something, "empath like qualities" and should be allowed to not participate in class as "trauma" will certainly leave them scared! There's no fight in them because everything "triggers" them and they live in perpetual ennui. Parents did this. Before anyone goes off about seriousness of mental health issues, may I refer you to our generation who were not all topping themselves because Take That broke up and our "mental health was greatly affected" I mean, we had it tough : firstbit was NKOTB, but in a year, Nsync had just broken up and All saints were looking at solo projects, BH90210 was cancelled - the PTSD!!!!!

Mental health is serious, but if from the moment they start Baby Yoga we're telling them that perfectly normal child tantrums and behaviours are anything more than parents not parenting or kids being little shits we're doing them a great disservice. Christ, they're so sanitised they have no immune system. Everyone has this idea of the perfect child, great news: you already have them and unless they're killing the neighbours cat, leave them be they'll work it out once you teach them.

Obviously, kids who are depressed (because they really are now, we gave them depression by not making sure there wasn't a more serious reason for being a teenager to actually creating a space, where some kids are making shit up because you are nobody if you do see the school counsellor

Absolutely nothing to do with what you asked, but...! 😁

She shouldn't have said it, but it doesn't sound like it was said out of malice. Before I read the post, I imagined a story about your child upsetting her child and her retorting that he must be SEN.

Unless you have your own concerns, I'd forget about it. She was possibly lookinfor r reassurance that her child was just like yours OP. As a teacher, I've often had parents of SEN children say they do x or y, just like all the other children, because they don't want their child to be different, which is understandable. But of course NT and ND children have lots of common characteristics as well as differences. In her case, it's the other way round.

Also, the advanced vocabulary is not a feature of all ASD children, only a small subsection, so it is not of itself an indicator of autism. She was just seeing similarities and making an assumption.

What @Ijustneedaanswer said. People do love a label these days or an "explanation" as to why people do things. A friend of mine is jumping through hoops trying to get all her kids "diagnosed" with something - in spite of teachers etc saying her kids are totally fine!

I think when parents do this when told their dcs are fine, they’re actually being abusive towards their children. I can’t imagine what they’re young children will feel like having their mum pointing out they’re different to the norm, and determined to get the label.

I am head of a school for children who mask their autism. All of them have a history of struggling terribly in school but only being able to express their distress at home. They are usually the children whose parents are told that their child is absolutely fine in school and, in fact, the teachers wish they had a whole class of them because they are such a delight to teach.

The children and parents are usually horribly traumatised by the process of fighting to have these needs recognised and met and, far too often, the parents have been accused of FII, i.e. abusing their child.

I didn't know that my DD was autistic until she was 12. I wish someone had recognised what might be going on for her sooner and given me the heads-up. Obviously they wouldn't have diagnosed her at that point because, as we all know, most people do not have this power. However, a nudge in the right direction so I could seek assessment would have made a huge difference to us.

OP, someone has made a suggestion to you today that may help you if your child has additional needs that become more apparent as he gets older. Just tuck it away at the back of you mind alongside all the other tidbits of information you gather along the way and use it if it comes in handy in the future.