Random mum said she thinks my ds has SEN

[Loudippity]

At soft play today my ds 4 got playing with another boy. I got chatting to their mum who went on to tell me her ds had ASD. My ds always pulls up his sleeves and trousers and is very friendly/forward she said her DS does and is like this too. My ds has great vocab which she commented on. She said things like her DS loves his sleep and is specific about his cutlery etc and I said oh my ds too. She then basically said she thinks my son probably has ASD.

My first question is AIBU that this not appropriate to say especially if you don't know someone.

My second question is should I be taking notice? My ds was observed at nursery for SEN when he was younger as he used to play alone but this sorted itself out and he has lots of friends now and nursery said no concerns or referrals needed.

Just feel a little confused.

@Livelovebehappy absolutely! It's child abuse. It's like Munchausen by proxy but not for made up physical illnesses - I'm sure there must be a name for it by now It's so common. I really feel for her kids - they don't want to go to a special school etc, they want to be with their mates. It's also becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy the more she insists they have every label under the sun. A mutual friend is this close to reporting her to SS as this woman is ruining her kids' lives.
Just brush ot off, OP, I'm sure if there was something wrong you'd know yourself.

I know someone like this , all the children have got labels , had it drilled into them since tiny that they have autism , one is a wreck now

Please don't let some random person label your child. Leave that to the experts.

@choccytime that is really sad. Those poor kids. So unnecessary. What is wrong with parents?! Surely we all just want our kids to be healthy and happy??

I'd go with this. It often runs in families. She wouldn't have meant it as an insult at all.

She was probably trying to be helpful. I wish someone had spotted things sooner in my children/me and that we'd gotten support sooner

I was at a soft play last week and was chatting to another mum as our kids were playing together. Last week at the soft play I was talking to another mum and asked her if she had ADHD 😅 she did! And was not insulated that I asked. I was diagnosed last year and I think if you have somthing like ASD/ADHD ect you can spot it a little easier in other people

@shrunkenhead it breaks my heart , I have thought about reporting it , but surely the doctors and the schools can see what s going on . I honestly think some parents love the attention , probably like Munchausens that someone mentioned upthread

@choccytime I'm sure the doctors and teachers must know and wonder, like we do, why some parents are hellbent on getting a diagnosis. As you say, if it's an attention-seeking thing then the parents would be better off addressing their own issues in therapy .

Autistic people and/or parents typically don't see asd as an insult. She likely thought she was helping.

However we can also be asd experts at times and see things others don't (which may mean something or absolutely nothing.)

If you are not concerned ignore it

It's not an insult because ASD doesn't make a child less. I wish someone had said something to me about a medical condition my child has years earlier rather than keep silent. It would have saved a lot of heartache.

Or maybe she feels isolated and was looking for kinship? When one of mine was in speech therapy due to hearing issues, I felt really isolated and asked someone I knew casually about their son's speech. The mother hadn't picked up on the issue yet but it was obvious. I shouldn't have said anything and it was rude, but I was feeling like I just wanted to connect with someone who understood the struggle. Maybe this mother's judgement was a bit clouded too?

God I wish someone would have said this to me 7/8 years ago at soft play. I didn't really know about autism but I was concerned over my child's eating etc, was back and forth the docs & health visitor to be told its normal.
Took my child up until age 10 and a change of school to be diagnosed with asd & adhd.
I was dismissed by nursery's, doctors & even family with my concerns.

It seems like everyone has some sort of SEN in to days world.
Mostly every post starts with it.

Could it be a cultural difference too? I come from a culture where people are much more direct. it has its pros and cons like any other culture.

I dont think shes wrong to say it.
She is likely around a lot of asd children.
As you say hes already been looked at for sen

I can sometimes identify an asd child eg if a kid is sitting alone at the park. Or some stims etc.

Asd kids do seem to find each other.

Bear in mind that autism often has genetic links. She may well have been autistic too. I have said things like this (diagnosed autistic) and I didn't actually realise it was offensive until someone told me. It was an observation on my part. I actually knew the child though, I hadn't just randomly met them. It would take time for me to say something even if i suspected it immediately.
My son is also autistic and most of his friends are or have adhd. Like attracts like.

I have a child with Asd and other sen and I have seen many children at soft plays etc that I think are very probably Asd, even my older child notices (he can see his little brother in them) but it’s not something you say to a person you don’t know. If I got chatting and it came up naturally fair enough, but you can’t just go round saying I think your child is neurodiverse! Don’t take it as an insult OP but maybe just have a read up in Asd and see if you can see some traits that fit your child possibly?

@lambhotpot I know what you mean. There seems a unusually high incidence of it on MN but then it is a parenting site so I'm guessing those with issues are more likely to be seeking advice.

I was told that my dd was fine, she didn't have autism, she's just mature for her age. She just likes reading, she didn't she just walked around with a book so she could pretend to read it and people would leave her alone. Just because her siblings are diagnosed doesn't mean she has autism!

Well she does and late diagnosis has been catastrophic for her. But at least I wasn't 'abusive' and didn't push for a diagnosis!

Just one? Good for her, she must have done a great job bringing them up. Autistic children have such high levels of mental health problems and suicide, the fact that she only has one with them is a real testament to her parenting.

I was told by numerous health visitors and GPs that my son was “fine”.
He was behind with his milestones, couldn’t talk by 3 years old - apparently didn’t need SALT either as he was “only a little behind” and was having meltdowns numerous times a day and harming himself during them.
He wakes multiple times a night and is very hard to settle to sleep.
My husband and I were struggling so much to cope.
I felt a complete failure as a mother as according to all the professionals, he was fine.
His nursery were saying they couldn’t manage his aggressive behaviour and he may have to leave.
It wasn’t until a health visitor finally took me seriously, after me ringing them at breaking point in floods of tears, that he has now been assessed and diagnosed with autism.

It can be both. Autism isn't a checklist.

I had a teacher tell me I can't be Autistic. It's funny that I'd already been diagnosed and everyone who actually knows me would disagree with her.

I often wonder why some doctors, teachers and random uninformed and ignorant people are hellbent on claiming that a parent concerned their child has disabilities is just neurotic and requiring therapy?
I also wonder why people are so keen to label a disabled child as “naughty” or “weak” and to blame their behaviour on parenting?
Is it perhaps because neurodivergence is an invisible disability so far easier to dismiss and ignore?
It strikes me as quite a disablist attitude to have.

My son is happy and fine and met his milestones. He also has asd and adhd. Just saying.

Confirmation bias, I notice this happening a lot, if someone does something similar to themselves or someone they know with a diagnosis, they immediately diagnose that person with the same. It happens on here a lot.

just let it go.